HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller has revealed that Terrence Malick has signed up to write and direct the long awaited sequel to the fashion comedy Zoolander.
“We originally hired David Lynch but the script he turned in was just too bizarre,” said an uncomfortable looking Stiller.
“His idea was to set it in the future and have Hansel and Derek enter into a love triangle with the disembodied head of Laura Dern, which is being controlled by the reanimated corpse of Dennis Hopper. We thought that would work but a couple of scenes in, he completely lost the plot. Singing bananas, spider monkeys on helium and a sex scene between Kristen Stewart and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. I said ‘David. What about the fashion?’ and he turned around, cackled, then disappeared in a puff of green smoke.”
Stiller was left with no option but to track down Malick who – he discovered – was living in a secret bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert.
“Terry has quite the arsenal down there. Bazookas, M16s, a couple of suitcase nukes. He told me he had recently been dabbling in genetics with the aim of trying to create the perfect soldier and did I want to see the results. I declined but a while later I saw three creatures working on his tank that looked like a cross between Christian Bale and the Borg from Star Trek. “
Stiller also denied reports that Malick’s take on Zoolander will be more spiritual and philosophical than the original.
“Oh no, he told me he’s done with all that. His new mantra is sex and mindless violence. My favourite scene in the whole movie is when Derek meets God and makes his head explode by flashing him the new and improved Blue Steel.”
Zoolander 2 is due for release in 2015.
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