ZANE, CAULFIELD, ROBERTS AND TUCKER CONFIRMED FOR STAR WARS VII
It was kind of embarrassing because I was in Burger King at the time but thanks to their superior bathroom facilities I was able to solve a potentially stressful problem with relative ease.
I was spraying my impeccable quiff with hairspray when I heard the news on the radio. I was so utterly gobsmacked that I accidentally sprayed the lacquer directly into my eyes which caused me to stumble backwards, trip, and hit my head on the bathroom sink rendering me unconscious. I’ve been completely blind for 24 hours and the doctors say the blow to my head has caused a blood clot in my brain that requires experimental surgery. Still, at least I can say I remember where I was when I heard the news. Well, at least until I have the surgery because apparently there is a 70% chance that my entire memory will be wiped.
Sh*t, Ese. You have any idea how big those guys are in El Salvador? They’re f*cking demi Gods. I’m talking shrines and s*hit. Hell, I named my own daughter Erica Roberts Jago so I appreciate this news has stirred the emotions of the people. Anyway, if you excuse me I’m going to find a man that looks like Billy Zane and have brief but passionate sex with him. Viva La Revolution!