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ZANE, CAULFIELD, ROBERTS AND TUCKER CONFIRMED FOR STAR WARS VII

Soso Fantastico May 11, 2014

LONDON – The entire planet and it’s outlying moon almost exploded earlier today after news that legendary actors Billy Zane, Maxwell Caulfield , Eric Roberts and Chris Tucker have secured roles in the upcoming Star Wars VII.

“I actually sh*t myself when I heard,” said Ain’t it Cool svengali Harry Knowles.

It was kind of embarrassing because I was in Burger King at the time but thanks to their superior bathroom facilities I was able to solve a potentially stressful problem with relative ease.

English film critic Mark Kermode was also stunned by the awesome casting news:

I was spraying my impeccable quiff with hairspray when I heard the news on the radio. I was so utterly gobsmacked that I accidentally sprayed the lacquer directly into my eyes which caused me to stumble backwards, trip, and hit my head on the bathroom sink rendering me unconscious. I’ve been completely blind for 24 hours and the doctors say the blow to my head has caused a blood clot in my brain that requires experimental surgery. Still, at least I can say I remember where I was when I heard the news. Well, at least until I have the surgery because apparently there is a 70% chance that my entire memory will be wiped.

According to CNN, when the news broke in El Salvador, rioting began which escalated into a full blown revolt which led to the government being overthrown but Captain Eduardo Jago of the Salvadorian army said he sympathized with the people:

Sh*t, Ese. You have any idea how big those guys are in El Salvador? They’re f*cking demi Gods. I’m talking shrines and s*hit. Hell, I named my own daughter Erica Roberts Jago so I appreciate this news has stirred the emotions of the people. Anyway, if you excuse me I’m going to find a man that looks like Billy Zane and have brief but passionate sex with him. Viva La Revolution!

Star Wars VII is due for release in 2015.

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