Sunday 12 July 2020
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HOLLYWOOD – Ever wanted to be a mad Australian film star but just slightly mad without going the full Mel?

Ever wanted to have ladies think you the next best thing than a fifty shades of grey shaped dildo while still having a Mr Potato Head head and being able to eat lots of pies?

Of course you do! So here YOU are.

  1. BE A KIWI: Everyone who is a famous Australian film star was actually born elsewhere. Mel was born in New York. Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand. But basically same difference right. I don’t know where Nicole Kidman was born. Judging by recent appearances Planet Zorg. Anyway, be born in New Zealand and you’re off.
  1. PLAY A LOVEABLE NAZI: No, steady Mel, we didn’t say BE a loveable Nazi. Just play one. Romper Stomper gave Russell his first real shot at fame in which he plays a cuddly suede headed swastika lover, but his eyes look so sad. Being nastily violent and at the same time eminently huggable has proved one of Mr. Crowe’s most valuable assets.
  1. TELEPHONE DODGEBALL: Being a movie star is tiring and you need to unwind, but there aren’t always dodgeballs available in your hotel room. Or opponents. No problem. Call room service and lob the phone at them. Problem solved. 
  1. ACCENT ROULETTE: After dumping his Spanish accent for the Spaniard in Gladiator, Russell felt his thespian chops short changed so to prove Ridley Scott wrong he used every accent he could think of in Robin Hood to hilarious effect. How many accents can you fit in to one film? He almost toppled Christopher Lambert’s fantastic turn in Highlander.
  1. GOOD FILM, BAD FILM: Always keep your fans guessing, by lacing serious performances, with the ho hum and occasionally the truly bad. This way your public will never take you for granted and critics will be genuinely confused. Remember for every Insider, there’s a State of Play just dying to burst out. ROCK N’ ROLL: Finally, get your old drinking buddies in a band and rock out, just to prove that all that sissy pretending stuff is just the day job and really deep down you’re a deeply uninteresting MOR pub rock singer who dreamt you were a movie star but now the dream is over.   

LA Confidential 2 is due for release in 2016.

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