WIMBLEDON, ENGLANDSHIRE – The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club – more popular known as the body that organises the Wimbledon Tennis Championship every June – has banned House of Cards and Usual Suspects star Kevin Spacey from attending any more competitions – “forthwith and from this point forward.”

The decision came after a series of incidents involving what is described as “Mr. Spacey’s lewd and inappropriate behaviour”. This began with shouting and swearing and led on inevitably to more serious charges. 

After an attack

Aged groundsman Albert Thitherwaite was one of the witnesses who were distressed by the Hollywood actor’s “rambunctious behaviour”:

Whenever a player would bend over as he or she received the service, this gentleman would hop out of his seat and stick a finger up them. Sometimes a thumb! He did it irregardless of sex or quality. He even started doing it during the doubles games. He has very long arms.

It has been argued that the early surprise defeats of Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were largely do to Mr. Spacey’s persistent shouting of “miss it!” at the wrong moment thereby breaking the players’ concentration. Spacey has also gone on YouTube to badger players and inflict what Serena Williams called “psychological warfare”:


He hates tennis. That’s the only way I can rationalise his behaviour. It’s just out there otherwise.

taunting losers

Kevin Spacey has decided to film a second season of House of Cards for Netflix in a fit of pique and has promised, “I’ll make it rubbish on purpose.”  

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