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Sunday 27 September 2020
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WHEN YOU SET A 3D PRINTER TO ‘RANDOM’ IT PRINTS STEVE GUTTENBERG

WHEN YOU SET A 3D PRINTER TO ‘RANDOM’ IT PRINTS STEVE GUTTENBERG
Steve Guttenberg

SWITZERLAND – Scientists from around the world have gathered at the CERN labs in Switzerland to discuss the latest discovery which has the boffins baffled. In the past year it has emerged that several manufacturers of 3D printers have included a ‘random’ button on the devices, which, when pressed always seem to produce a perfect replica of 80’s comedy heart-throb Steve Guttenberg.
Dr Zans Himmer explains further:

It seems the random function was included as a bit of throwaway fun by the manufacturers. When pressed, the mechanism is programmed to select random variables, shapes, angles and sizes to produce a wild and unpredictable object for the customer. It was envisioned this might lead to a new form of impressionistic sculpture, but what we have is literally thousands of f*cking Mahoneys [Guttenberg’s loveable rogue from Police Academy – ed.] cluttering up the place!

Could this be a practical joke by the printer makers?

Categorically no! we have the finest minds on the planet pulling these machines apart trying to figure this out…the machine really does go through an almost infinite series of possibilities, but it always arrives at the sexy boat Captain Jack Bonner from Cocoon. It’s prime Guttenberg every time!

Jesus! how many have been produced?

We have reports coming in every day from every corner of the globe where people are using these machines, I don’t know if it’s becoming fashionable to print a Gutty. That’s what they’re calling it, or whether people are genuinely hoping to get a random shape. In any case there could be as many as twenty thousand by now, maybe more! 

What are people doing with these Guttys?

We don’t know, God help us we don’t know…I can’t think about that legion of silent bronzed sentinels lurking in people’s homes without getting a cold sweat. It has to mean something.

Could it just be a ‘SHORT CIRCUIT’?

Is that a joke?

Before we could conclude the interview Dr Himmer received a message that someone had found ten Guttys standing in the cafeteria and that no-one could explain how they got there. 

If you have a Steve Guttenberg in your home please email admin@cern.org and put in your subject line ‘I’ve Gotta Gutty’.

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