When it comes to problems or moral quandaries some people ask themselves What would Jesus do? I tried that and to be honest I found his advice to be a little outdated. Sure it got me out of a tight spot at my daughter’s wedding when they messed up the wine order but other than that, I’ve had patchy results. Yet there is one man I know who has a 100% hit rate and by following his example, my bread always lands butter side up. So next time you’re trapped under something heavy, or your partner has left you for their chiropractor; don’t despair. Just sit back, cast your eyes to the heavens and think to yourself. What would Damon Wayans do?

1.You’re about to sign a five picture deal with Miramax but nobody has a pen. What would Damon Wayans do?

(a) Pop down to the local stationary shop and purchase a pen.
(b) Bang his head repeatedly on the desk until someone brought him a pen.
(c) Call Sidney Poitier for spiritual guidance.
(d) Punch Harvey Weinstein in the nose and sign the contract with his blood.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio bumps into you at a cocktail party and spills his Long Island Iced Tea all over your suit. What would Damon Wayans do?

(a) Coolly wipe himself down and tell DiCaprio it was no problem and he respects him as an actor.
(b) Stare at DiCaprio and attempt to telekinetically make his head explode.
(c) Call Sidney Poitier for spiritual guidance.
(d) Tell DiCaprio that his beard in Gangs of New York looked ridiculous.

3.Martin Scorsese calls and ask you to be in his new picture. What would Damon Wayans do?

(a) Say thanks Marty, I would love to be in your new picture. You have lovely eyebrows.
(b) Say thanks but no thanks. I’m working on a sequel to Major Payne and don’t have the time.
(c) Call Sidney Poitier for spiritual guidance.
(d) Tell Marty he’ll only do it if he gets top billing over Daniel Day-Lewis and a lifetime supply of berets.

4.You’re in an elevator with Corey Feldman and it breaks down. What would Damon Wayans do?

(a) Instigate a discussion with Feldman about how the Meisner technique is superior to the Stanislavski method.
(b) Pretend he’s a vampire and run around the elevator flapping his arms like a bat.
(c) Call Sidney Poitier for spiritual guidance.
(d) Repeatedly mash Feldman’s head into the emergency button until he is rescued.

5.Sidney Poitier calls you for spiritual guidance. What would Damon Wayans do?

(a) Offer Sidney some soothing words of encouragement and give him the number of Deepak Chopra.
(d) Perform an improvised comedy set in the hope that the healing power of laughter consoles Sidney in his hour of need.
(c) Call Sidney Poitier for spiritual guidance.
(d) Pretend Sidney has accidentally called Denzel Washington and tell him to go f*ck himself.
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