The world was in shock this morning after Walt Disney‘s disembodied head attacked pedestrians and torched attractions at Disneyland Paris.
I was in costume having my picture taken with a couple of children when suddenly I saw this creature skuttling towards me. At first I thought it was just an ugly dog but as it came closer I saw it had eight legs and the head of an old man. I told the children to run but this thing pounced on the little girl trying to bite her. Fortunately my colleague Goofy appeared and managed to beat it off her with a broom.
‘It was a frightening and yet, bizarrely comical sight,’ said Hot Dog seller Gaston Doit:
If you’ve ever watched a multi-legged monster with a human head trying to light a match, you will know exactly what I am talking about.
Yes, Walt Disney’s head was on ice as per the instructions left in his will. Unfortunately, it was stolen 6 months ago and although we notified the authorities we decided not to go public. In light of recent events we regret that decision but rest assured we will not rest until Walt is captured or killed.
We have reason to believe he is being remotely controlled. We have an unconfirmed report that Justin Bieber asked a member of staff at FAO Schwarz Toy Store to (and I quote) “Bring me the head of Walt Disney” and when the staff member said that they didn’t stock such an item Justin went berserk and started shouting “Do you know who I am?“ and “If I say I want Walt Disney’s f*cking head then somebody better bring me Walt Disney’s f*cking head!”. As for the reasons why it attacked Disneyland Paris we have a variety of theories but the fact is that on a daily basis someone goes crazy in the theme park and starts beating people up and trying to burn sh*t down. It’s difficult but when you consider the amount of salt and sugar content in our food, it’s amazing the death count isn’t higher.