MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal took advantage of a new wave of liberalism sweeping the world to get married this morning at eleven o’clock in a small private ceremony in Moscow.
The move came as a surprise as everyone had assumed that either Vladimir Putin was a huge homophobe, or – that if he was to overcome his hatred for anyone non-heterosexual – he would marry Gerard Depardieu who had become Russian as a sign of his love (or for tax reasons).
Putin said, ‘At last I’ve found a man I can go mano a mano with and who gives as good as he gets. Ever since I saw Under Siege it was like I was bewitched. Who was this man? I mean, he’s the cook, I’m confused. But then it turned out he was a Navy Seal. I don’t remember the rest of the film because I swooned.’
Seagal himself was overcome by emotion.
‘Usually I hate gays, but Vladimir won me over,’ he said. ‘We both love martial arts, water colours and despotism.’
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