VENICE – Our intrepid Studio Exec has braved the screening rooms of the Darsena, the Sala Grande and even the dreaded plastic cavern that is the Palabiennale and now is here to give you his critical opinion.

I’ve realised I’ve not been the best correspondent, but Jesus Christ it is difficult when you have to balance drinking with work responsibilities like finding cocaine. I realise that I have left many of you bewildered by my lack of film reviews, so I’ve decided to round up the films I’ve seen so far and give you the lessons I have learned.

Here goes:

Everest: Donnie Darko and John Connor go up a mountain. They do not come down.

Neon Bull: if someone ask you to help them steal horse semen, say no. Brazilian.

Beasts of No Nation: children are horrible. Idris Elba is brilliant and horrible. Africa is beautiful and horrible. It would be nice if we could stop having films set ‘in a fictional African nation’. Smacks of racist laziness.

Looking for Grace: always look before you cross the road. Set in a fictional country in Australia.

The Endless River: has nothing to do with the Pink Floyd album, but is just as dull.

Francofonia: apparently there’s some art in the Louvre.

Black Mass: Johnny Depp’s spin off from Alice in Wonderland sees the Madhatter get into some serious shit. Boston is full of gangsters.

Spotlight: Birdman and the Hulk bring down pedophiles. Boston is full of rapist priests.

Equals: Kristen Stewart and Nicholas Hoult live in a future uniquely suited to Kristen Stewart’s acting abilities. I wish I was in Boston.

Venice continues despite my best efforts.

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