HOLLYWOOD – In a swirl of smoke Tom Hiddleston was suddenly before us in the humble office of the Studio Exec. Unannounced and bearing exclusives, the star and erstwhile swan murderer had this to say.
Greetings. I bring glad tidings. You may sit.
Hi Tom, erm, how are you?
I am clearly magnificent. Stroke my cat.
What cat? WOW! (a cat appears suddenly in the interviewer’s lap) that’s amazing!
And yet you do not stroke it.
Sorry (strokes the pussy).
The feline is a clue, attending to her supple form in this sensual commune do you not feel the impulse to be nefarious? Do you not long for infamy?
I don’t really know what…
I’M PLAYING BLOFELD IN THE NEW BOND FILM YOU SKITTERING QUIM FLAP!
Now that IS cool! Is that official?
Would I stand here so alluringly before you, were it not so? The tale goes thusly: Bond must confront a secret from his past, a secret so dark that to uncover it will forever shape his destiny…
Tell me the secret TOM!
A brother! The long lost brother of Bond, none other than Blofeld; his twisted mirror image. I will be the international jester of terrorism, leading him on a merry chase towards his ultimate doom. Such drama, such spectacle. Are you prepared?
Yeah that sounds wild.
Your consent is heartening. Now I must go. Stroke the cat once more.
Ok sure…hey! it’s gone!
Before the interviewer could compose himself the room was engulfed in blue flashes of mysterious energy. When the plasmic discharge cleared there was no sign of Hiddleston or his soft little pussy.
James Bond: Goldbrother will be released in 2016.