TOM HIDDLESTON ‘NOT GUILTY’ OF SWAN MURDER
LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.
The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).
The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.
|Court artist’s impression|
The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.
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