TOM HIDDLESTON KILLS A SWAN
LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.
Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.
‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’
Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off. ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.
As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.
‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’
Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.