TOM HANKS PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST
HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’
The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.
A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.
The agent stated:
The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.
Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’
Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.