HOLLYWOOD – It is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words but given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other: Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.
The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times has speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’. Others believe that anglophone Hanks is trying to ingratiate himself and possible join the British ex-pat exclusive murder club the Jolly Bastards, currently led by Tom Hiddleston.
In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood paneled den. In the second one, however, all pretense of humanity is abandoned as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.
The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.
Saving Mr. Banks is currently in theaters.