HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks kills young men.
First, it is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words. But given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other. Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.
The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’.
In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood-paneled den. In the second, however, Hanks abandons all pretense of humanity as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.
The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.