Hey!? My name is Tom Cruise.
You probably know me best from Tropic Thunder and Vanilla Sky.
Perhaps you’ve seen me on YouTube and you’ve certainly read a bunch of articles about my divorce and who I am and what I supposedly believe, making me out to be one great big nut bag.
Well, I’m here today to tell you what I actually matter of factually believe. So let’s go.
First of all I believe that everyone is equally capable of achieving perfection. I believe that only some people do actually make that choice. I believe that when I drive past a car accident, I am the most qualified person to intervene. Even if there is an ambulance crew and paramedics and doctors and things, I push them aside and say, ‘My name is Tom Cruise, how can I help?’
I believe that celery has more water content than actual water.
I believe Cameron Diaz is the finest comedienne of our and any other generation.
I believe John Travolta can and should fly air planes, though I’ve never been in one myself.
I believe ladies look good in dark charcoal suits. With their hair slicked back. And no make up.
I believe modern psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry are in cahoots trying to brain wash vulnerable people and drain them of their money with their hogwash and bullshit.
And yes. I believe in the Church of Scientology.
I believe it is a church and not a cult. We have bigger rooms than a cult would have.
I believe a forty year old jumping up and down on furniture on prime time television is an adorable sign of joie di vivre and puppy love and not a sign of crack smoking.
I believe people in Ireland actually talk like that.
I believe if a man concentrates hard enough he can make stuff move around with his brain flappers.
I believe confidently and totally that the next James Bond should and will be Tom Cruise.
I believe I would have made a great Han Solo.
And finally I believe strawberries are the only fruit to have seeds on the outside and if that doesn’t tell us a very important lesson, then you haven’t been listening to a goddamn word I’ve been saying.