tom crusie

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise has gone full Scanners on Justin Bieber, blowing his face clean off.

Following Justin Bieber’s challenge of Tom Cruise to a fight all was eerily quiet from camp Cruise. But Cruise watchers warned that this was not the end of the matter. And this morning at three o’clock Cornish time, Cruise struck. Apparently confronting Justin Bieber, waking him up and calling him down into the garden, where Cruise stood with a ghetto blaster above his head in a random reference to Say Anything. Eye witness Jerode What told the Studio Exec:

Justin woke up to hear the music Cruise was playing and then Cruise started to goad him. Justin came down and explained he meant the whole thing as a lame joke and apologized. He said maybe if Tom wanted they could do something for charity. But keep it light and jokey. Cruise just stood there glaring and I swear to god his eyes began to glow. I stepped forward to see if I could mediate, but just then with the wet wrenching sound of someone viciously peeling a water melon with giant knife fingers, Cruise scannered Justin’s face clean off.


I know. Justin’s staggering around, his eye staring ghastly out of their sockets and he’s howling like an animal, but Thetan boy ain’t done and there are flowers of blood blooming across Justin’s jim-jams and Justin…

Wait, Justin wears pajamas?

Yeah. It’s all part of his thing.

tom cruiseOkay go on. 

Tom is now hovering above the ground a couple of feet, his hands in a kind of benediction / fuck you pose and he starts…

Like kids pajamas or those ones dads wear with like a little breast pocket? 

The latter. Then Tom brings his hands together and there’s this blast of energy and Bieber’s wiener blows up, his whole crotch just falls to piece.

That’s gross.

I know.

I mean why do you even need a pocket like that. Are you taking pens to bed with you or something? Are you keeping a dream diary?

You’re not concentrating Exec.

Okay. Yeah. Blew his cock off. Then?

Then his head exploded. His arms broke to bits and his legs dropped off.

Top Gun: Maverick is due out in 2020.

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