TOM CRUISE BUYS EASTERN EUROPE

HOLLYWOOD – Following his purchase of Liechtenstein (CLICK HERE for more), Oblivion and Jack Reacher star Tom Cruise has bought the whole of Eastern Europe for the staggering price of $3 million dollars.

A deal was reached on Friday and Tom Cruise is expected to move in later this week, although a source close to the star says Tom would first like to do some renovations and perhaps paint.

Many have criticized the Rain Man – as he prefers to be called even though technically Dustin Hoffman… well it doesn’t matter – for an extravagant disregard for other people and the sovereignty of nations. Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – said that this was not the solution to Europe’s problems.

We’re doing very well at the moment and we don’t need another charismatic little man bossing everyone around. After all, well, you know.

Europe watcher and property expert Willem Dafoe complemented his fellow actor on his astute purchase:

Tom moved in at exactly the right time. The market is at an all time low, basically it’s a fire sale. And to pick up all these countries – Hungary, the Baltic states, Ukraine, Slovakia etc – for such a price is a canny steal. 

What will he do with it?

Oh, he’ll flip it. He’ll do some quick work. Spruce it up and then sell it on and make a big profit.

Others, however, argue that Cruise has his eye on world domination. Already Scientology has been made the state religion throughout Liechtenstein and eastern Europe and new regulations have muzzled the freedom of the press, forcing them to say that Jack Reacher was exciting and Oblivion profound.

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