TIM BURTON’S ROALD DAHL-NIVERSE ANNOUNCED
Miles Cravat
Feb 1, 2021
HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros have announced the creation of Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse.
Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse will build a whole cinematic universe where all of the author’s beloved characters will live. The Exec caught up with Warner’s Creative Executive Vice President, Gillian Gekko who told us more.
Gillian, can you tell us more about Tim’s vision for this cinematic universe?
Sure, Miles. But let me just say what a lovely bungalow you have here.
Thanks.
You’re welcome. Look, sweety. I’m gonna level with you. I’m gonna need a line or two, before I can talk about this. Do you mind?
No, not at all. Be my guest.
You’re a treasure. Just one shake of a lambs tail and *SNORTS*. FUCKIN BOO YA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. OH MERCY. Right. Let’s do this. So we’ve given Tim Burton a fuck ton load of money to make this shit ship sail. First off, he’s making a prequel to Danny The Champion Of The World. It’s basically gonna be a 2 hour porno where Danny gets conceived. Michael Fassbender is playing his father, William. Because, you know, that boy got game. You know what I mean. He’s calling it Willy, Champion Of Rockin’ The World.
Oh my.
I shit you not. Then Tim’s exec producing The Fuck Wits. It’s a prequel to The Twits. Think Natural Born Killers meets Dumb and Dumber. It’s going to be directed by Lars Von Trier. A real exploitation kill-fest of a road movie. Then to end phase one, Asia Argento is directing The School Of Witches, the prequel to The Witches. It’ll take place in a European Witches’ finishing school, where someone keeps bumping off young witches.
They sounds quite… ambitious.
Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe the amount of acid Burton gets through when he’s writing. It’s insane. Puts me to shame, and I’ve outlasted all the big hitters, Led Zep, The Stones, Frank Bough and Betty White. But him? Sheesh. Where do you think the phrase ‘Gone for a Burton’ comes from? He can hoover up anything. Is that picture hung straight? I don’t think it is. Let me straighten it for you. Have you got a spirit level? Do you wanna do some meth?
Um, Gillian, thank you for your time.
