HOLLYWOOD – One of cinemas greatest mysteries was finally solved yesterday after the infamous figure at the window in 80s romantic comedy Three Men and a Baby contacted the Studio Exec during one of our bi-monthly seances.
“I died of a combination of thirst, malnutrition, black lung, jaundice, smallpox, exposure, gangrene and chronic scurvy on the ship over from Ireland in 1824,” said former inhabitant of this plane of existence Johnny O’Connell:
The last thing I remember I was biting down on a piece of wood as some quack sawed my left leg off with a rusty blade. The next thing I know, I’m stood at a window starring at the back of Ted Danson‘s head. Let me tell you, it was quite a shock.
Asked why he had taken so long to come forward, Johnny was frank:
I had a lot of offers from Hollywood but I always considered acting to be a shallow and worthless profession so I took a job haunting an independent book store in Manhattan. It’s not much but I only haunt three days a week and the rest of the time I get to pursue my passion for Middle Kingdom Egyptian pottery.
Unfortunately the gateway to the spirit world became unstable and the interview with Johnny was cut short but we did manage to grab 5 seconds or so with Charlton Heston:
“SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!” said a raging Heston.
We know Charlton.