WASHINGTON -President Obama gave a press conference this morning, confirming reports that Sean Penn has seized Michael Bay, and the director no longer poses a threat to America or it’s allies.
“I got a call from Sean late last night,” said a sanguine Obama, “He only said four words to me – ‘We got him chief’ – and the line went dead. Later, I found out his I-Phone had run out of battery power.”
The president went on to reveal the details of Penn’s daring dawn raid on Bay’s position.
“A CIA operative received a tip off that Bay was located in a KFC in down town Hanoi, where he was posing as a deputy manager. Penn entered the premises unarmed and ordered a Zinger tower meal with a Sprite and gravy side. Bay immediately recognized Sean and tried to bolt for the door, but when he paused to punch out his shift card, Sean managed to subdue him and slap on the handcuffs.”
The news of Bay’s capture had an immediate knock-on-effect in the presidential polls and Obama is now odds-on to win a second term. Mitt Romney, who previously suggested the government should nuke Vietnam in order to end Bay’s reign of terror, admitted he was “Pleased the threat had been neutralized.”, but added, “I’m still convinced we should have dropped the bomb. I mean, what’s the point of having nuclear weapons if we don’t use them?”
Bay is currently on a plane bound for Guantanamo Bay were he will be interrogated by Steven Spielberg who is said to be “Pissed.” that Bay abandoned work on Transformers 4 to invade Vietnam and was overheard exclaiming “I can’t wait to get my hands on that prick. I want my f*cking Dinobots!”
Although Bay’s apprehension officially brings an end to the conflict, the US government is yet to declare what they intend to do about John Milius, who is rumored to be located up the Nung River in Cambodia where he has gathered a band of devoted acolytes and declared himself “Warrior King.”
“We know Milius is out there waiting.”, said an anonymous Pentagon insider, “And it’s only matter of time before we send one of our own to take him down.”
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