Saturday 5 December 2020
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val kilmer saint

ROME – In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the Vatican has canonized screen actor Val Kilmer.

The announcement was made as part of a day that will see Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII also elevated to Sainthood. Although the news was received with widespread celebration – especially in Puerto Rico where Val Kilmer has already gained a semi-divine status – one Vatican insider revealed EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec that the whole thing might have been a mistake:

One of the cardinals couldn’t read the handwriting and just put down the first name that came into his head. Apparently he had watched Oliver Stone’s The Doors the night before on RAI.

However, officially the Vatican is making no such admission and is insisting that St. Kilmer, as he must now be called, had proceeded through the entire process of canonization and had fulfilled all the criteria of a saint including the performing of miracles. ‘That he still got work after The Island of Doctor Moreau and The Ghost and the Darkness constitutes a miracle, we all agree on that,’ pontificated one cleric. ‘There’s no rational explanation other than divine intervention.’

However some church observers have greeted the move with dismay:

To be a saint, one must perform miracles, have a holy ministry of some nature and be dead. Mr. Kilmer doesn’t satisfy at least two of these criteria.

 Although Pope Francis has made no secret of his admiration for Mr. Kilmer in Heat, even the actor seemed surprised at his new status. He told Exec: 

I was The Saint now I’m a saint. So I guess I’m ready. Ha ha. Hmmm.

What do you think of Val Kilmer’s canonization? Does he deserve it simply for his comic turn in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

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