THE STUDIO EXEC’S 2013 FILM PREVIEW
Films, Films, Films.
Some are long, some are short and some are in-between.
Lots of films were released last year and lots of films will be released this year.
Some will be good, some will be bad and some will be in-between.
Here’s a preview:
1. To The Wonder
Everyone who has seen it hates it and by all accounts Malick has finally disappeared up his own ass and can’t find the light switch. Every film critic will put it on their 2013 must see list rather than Iron Man 3 because they lay in bed at night clutching their teddy bears and having wet dreams about writing a column in Variety.
2. The Double
When I say The Double I really mean Thor 2: The Dark World but I’m frightened to come out to my parents in case they say they don’t love me any more.
3. Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill for.
Not content with making a trunk load of crappy movies over the past decade, Robert Rodriguez has decided the sequel to his greatest work will be in 3D. I don’t even care if it’s good I’m still going to throw used nappies at the screen in protest. During Machete I threw babies.
4. Star Trek into Darkness
I don’t like J.J. Abrams face. He looks like a pale Henry Kissinger and it unnerves me. Still you can’t beat a bit of Star Trek and hopefully this time Luke Skywalker manages to sleep with his sister and defeat the villainous Ming the Merciless.
5. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Films about magicians are always good and Jim Carey’s in it. I like Jim but he’s spent the last 5 years suckling on Jenny McCarthy’s breasts and pissing around with Penguins. Thankfully they split and Jim’s back on the lithium.
6. Mad Max: Fury Road
I had a drink with Mel the other day and he expressed regret that he never took up George Miller’s offer and reprised the role of Max. He was drunk though in fact I think that was the night he drove his car into the Wailing Wall with a boot full of dynamite.
7. After Earth
I always look forward to an M. Night Shyamalan movie and of course when I say look forward I actually mean I’d rather flour and crumb my genitals and dunk them in a deep fat fryer than sit through another one of his cinematic crimes. This one has Will Smith in it. You know that wacky Fresh Prince guy who used to have a personality until Tom Cruise ate his soul during a Scientology induction ceremony.
8. The Hobbit 2: Back in the Hobbit
Peter Jackson said he will double the frames per second to 96 allowing the audience to see through time and space and into a parallel universe where Steven Spielberg is black, people go to work on roller coasters and coffee tastes like tea.
9. Man of Steel
I always get Henry Cavill confused with Jim Caviezel. I know they don’t look the same but my mind is unable to comprehend that they exist as two separate entities. At least I assume they do as I’ve never seen them together and come to think of it. I haven’t seen Caviezel since he did that Jesus film so maybe there is truth in the rumour that Mel Gibson actually crucified him and he came back as Henry Cavill.
10. Some Art House film nobody has heard of.
Choosing something obscure in your top ten list will impress your peers and give everyone the impression that you’re classy and refined. On the other hand you can just cheat and say you’re looking forward to Denis Dugàn’s Les grandes personnes deux.
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