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Saturday 24 October 2020
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THE MACHETE KILLS RETIREMENT HOME

THE MACHETE KILLS RETIREMENT HOME

Robert Rodriguez has announced plans to use all money from his umpteenth action movie pastiche Machete Kills to build a retirement home for otherwise unemployable ‘actors’. If the tired irony of the first film wasn’t enough in giving a late career boost to the likes of Danny Trejo, Don Johnson and Steven Seagal, the latest chapter dishes career hall passes to Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen, as well as ‘it doesn’t matter if they can act’ roles to Jessica Alba and Lady Gaga, and – most surprising of all – El Blocco of Woodo, Antonio Banderas.
The Predators director admitted that offering a service to actors he admired was all part of the rationale:

Look we have some tequila, boom boom, we black out and the next morning Kyle Ward comes round and gathers the napkins and types them up. So that’s the script.Then we pick up the National Enquirer and the casting process begins.

However, Lindsay Lohan revealed recently that Rodriguez’s motives aren’t as humanitarian as he makes out.

The fact of the matter is he preys on the carcasses of rotten fame. We get to do a role, we do the old wink-wink to our crimes and misdemeanours, we gain some credibility, but he pays us practically nothing. I did Machete for one choice of the Taco Bell lunch menu. I shit you not. I got cinnamon twists and a double decker taco. And I was billed for the twists.

The new Machete Kills Retirement Home for F*cked Up Actors will be built in Malibu entirely from recycled glossies. Rodriguez said, ‘It’s cheap and environmentally friendly’.

  

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