THE LIAM NEESON DIARIES I

Liam neeson diaries

Over the next few weeks The Studio Exec will be publishing exclusive extracts from the long-awaited Liam Neeson diaries due to be published by Faber & Faber in June 2015.

MARCH 1ST 2014

Shot a couple of guys and bought a burrito. They never had any chicken left so I went with the shredded pork.

 

MARCH 3rd 2014

I only shot one guy today but he deserved it. I asked him if he knew a place were I could get some dry cleaning done. He didn’t know. Now he’ll never know.

 

MARCH 7th 2014

I parachuted into Syria and single-handedly defeated a terrorist cell with a butter knife but as I was pulling it out of the ear of the leader, the knife broke. It was my favorite butter knife. The knife I used to butter my daughters toast when she was a little girl and those bastards will pay for breaking it.

 

MARCH 10TH 2014

I met with Martin Scorsese about a part in his next movie. I asked him if he wanted me to play a bent cop, a vicious gangster or a father out for revenge. He said the role was a pacifist Jesuit priest. I told him I’d have to pass and if he offered me a woman’s part again, I’d break his arm in twelve places.

 

MATCH 11th 2014

Tough day. I forgot about what happened to my butter knife and tried to make a sandwich. I had to go out and shoot five guys to take my mind off it but it didn’t work and I was still hungry so I used my credit card to smear the butter onto the bread. It was a dark moment. If I knew how to cry, I would have.

 

MARCH 25TH 2014

I went to see a psychiatrist. He suggested that playing violent characters is turning me into a violent person. I disagreed with extreme prejudice.

 

APRIL 1ST 2014

I haven’t killed anyone in six days.

Ha-Ha. April Fool!

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