THE LIAM NEESON DIARIES I
Over the next few weeks The Studio Exec will be publishing exclusive extracts from the long-awaited Liam Neeson diaries due to be published by Faber & Faber in June 2015.
MARCH 1ST 2014
Shot a couple of guys and bought a burrito. They never had any chicken left so I went with the shredded pork.
MARCH 3rd 2014
I only shot one guy today but he deserved it. I asked him if he knew a place were I could get some dry cleaning done. He didn’t know. Now he’ll never know.
MARCH 7th 2014
I parachuted into Syria and single-handedly defeated a terrorist cell with a butter knife but as I was pulling it out of the ear of the leader, the knife broke. It was my favorite butter knife. The knife I used to butter my daughters toast when she was a little girl and those bastards will pay for breaking it.
MARCH 10TH 2014
I met with Martin Scorsese about a part in his next movie. I asked him if he wanted me to play a bent cop, a vicious gangster or a father out for revenge. He said the role was a pacifist Jesuit priest. I told him I’d have to pass and if he offered me a woman’s part again, I’d break his arm in twelve places.
MATCH 11th 2014
Tough day. I forgot about what happened to my butter knife and tried to make a sandwich. I had to go out and shoot five guys to take my mind off it but it didn’t work and I was still hungry so I used my credit card to smear the butter onto the bread. It was a dark moment. If I knew how to cry, I would have.
MARCH 25TH 2014
I went to see a psychiatrist. He suggested that playing violent characters is turning me into a violent person. I disagreed with extreme prejudice.
APRIL 1ST 2014
I haven’t killed anyone in six days.
Ha-Ha. April Fool!