Saturday 6 June 2020
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Bob Hope, George Burns, John Travolta, the greats never retire and neither will I. Frankly I can’t afford to. With so many ex-wives and children to support, as well as an ongoing civil dispute with Debbie Reynolds, my agent is under strict instructions never to say no to anything.

Don’t get me wrong, every time the phone rings I’m filled with excitement in case I get the chance to save money on my car insurance, but more often than not it’s someone from the studio telling me I should’ve been on set an hour ago. Critics have said that this attitude toward my craft has led me to appear in several pictures that have done nothing to improve my somewhat tarnished reputation, but I’ve got two words for them: John Cleese. 

With this in mind I’ve just signed on the line that’s dotted to appear in the new Star Wars movie. I’ll be providing the voice for C3PO’s cheeky but lovable nephew, and they’re hoping to get another Brit in to keep me company and play my comedy sidekick. I gave them Mike Gambon’s number, because he’s not proud either. 
I thought it would be money for old rope, but they’re spending so much on the special effects that there’s precious little left for yours truly. They even asked if they could have my garage door to patch up a hole on the Millennium Falcon. 
My only worry is that there are meant to be a couple of sequels and at my age there’s every chance I’ll be cadging a celestial cigarette off Bette Davis before they come out, but we’ll see how we get on. Death never stopped Gene Hackman, but that’s another story…
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