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THE DEVIL RETURNS ABERCROMBIE & FITCH CEO’S SOUL

Lenny Delowitz May 15, 2013

The world nodded in agreement this afternoon when the Devil himself declared he was returning Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries’immortal soul.

“He sold it to me years ago but lately it’s started to stink,” said a relaxed looking Prince of Darkness.

I tried feeding it to Cerberus but even he turned his nose up at it. I mean if a three-headed dog who eats his own s*it on a daily basis won’t devour your soul you should seriously consider adjusting your attitude.

The Devil confirmed he has tried to book an appointment with Jefferies to return his soul but so far the CEO has proved elusive.

I’ve called, written a few e-mails. I even turned up at his office with coffee and doughnuts but his secretary claimed he’d gone kite surfing in outer Mongolia. I’m having to carry this rotten thing around in a sealed Tupperware container and it’s melting its way through the God damn plastic!

Asked why he hasn’t used his demonic powers to transport himself to Jefferies location, the Devil said he tried but for some reason it wasn’t working.

Usually, it’s just a case of clicking my ruby slippers together and I’m there but every time I do I end up in a room next to this weird looking creature with a wax head and bloated lips. It looks like something you’d find in a skip outside of Nazi experimentation laboratory.

When informed by a reporter that the creature in question was in fact Mike Jeffries, the Devil was taken aback.

Get the f*ck out of here! That’s Jeffries!? What in the name of Christ has he done to himself? Lord, he’s got some cheek running around bullying the bulky when he looks like the last chicken in Wallmart. Screw him he’s not having his soul back it’s going in the bin.

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