CANNES – The Studio Exec gets invited to all the fancy soirées and unless you’re a Hollywood player or you’re prepared to blow the bouncer; chances are you’ll be one of those poor unfortunates left out in the rain nursing your overpriced cocktail wondering where it all went wrong.

Don’t despair though because these events are never as hot as you think they are. Sure the booze is free and you get the opportunity to rub shoulders with the rich and shameless but once you’ve seen William Defoe do Gangham style and Jessica Chastian vomit in her handbag, you yearn to be in your local bar drinking flat beer from rusty pipes.

For those who do crave the smug satisfaction of standing next to Shia Labeouf as he chats to Yoko Ono about the social economic situation in Liberia whilst denying your very existence. Here is a whistle stop guide to the best shindigs in town.

Le Hotel Jambon

Cock Fighting from 10 pm daily.
Cheeses of the world buffet
The ‘How much Foie Gras can you eat in a minute challenge’ (with your host Charlotte Gainsborough)
Porn Star Speed dating.

Le Exclusive

The Helen Mirren Burlesque show
The yard of Cristal competition (sponsored by Haliburton)
The Exotic Animals banquet (Killer Whale steaks, Deep fried Hippo ears, Tree Frog omelettes)
Monopoly with real money

Le Plage

Sandcastle competitions
Beach Volleyball
Make your own ice-cream
The Billy Bob Thornton band
Shark punching

Le ChâteauNoir

Virgin Sacrifice
Christians Vs Lions Live
Chariot Racing
All you can eat peasants
70’s Disco ( DJ Warren Beatty & MC Haneke)

Mon Dieu

The White Room (Cocaine)
The Blue Room (Crystal Meth)
The Green Room (Weed)
The Red Room (The blood of the innocent)
The Black Room (Classified)
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