HOLLYWOOD – Tetris: The Movie has stalled again as yet another screenwriter – none other than Being John Malkovich scribe Charlie Kaufman – succumbs to’the existential mind fugue’ that is more commonly known as ‘writer’s block’.
The Studio Exec was given rare access to a secluded facility currently treating Kaufman and other frazzled scribes. We spoke to Dr. Felicity Irons (daughter of Jeremy), who showed us round the Tetris wing:
When he came to us, Kaufman was in, what we call, ‘block panic.’ This state manifests itself in violent fits, talking in tongues and trying to fit one’s self into small geometric spaces. Initial treatment involves complete seclusion in a sensory deprivation tank to ‘reset’ the mind’s spacial equilibrium.
I thought he was just a bit washed out.
Prolonged exposure to the rigors of trying to shape the concept of Tetris into a palatable narrative structure can cause complete disassociation from reality. Recent cases have seen Damon Lindelof attempting to re-shape his head into a diamond shape with a cheese grater. Both Jonathan Nolan and David Goyer were found at the bottom of an abandoned well in Louisiana, covered in occult tattoos and babbling about the coming of the ‘Mustard King’ and only last week we rescued Aaron Sorkin from an industrial cleaning plant where he was attempting to decipher the secret language of detergent by tying himself in a sack full of bats and diving into a chemical bath.
Wow! I had no idea this thing had spread. How are they being exposed to this?
It seems the project was in development since the 90s and the impossibility of cracking the script has seen people drawn to it, its morbid curiosity and one upmanship. Robert Downey Jr lost years of his career after doing one read through of an early draft and Nick Nolte and Gary Busey locked themselves in a room with an outline of the script in 1999. Just look at those men now! I hear Nolte still shits ‘L-Blocks.’
So what about Kaufman’s diagnosis?
Too early to say. Kaufman went deep, real deep. He thinks he’s Charlie Kaufman an actor playing Charlie Kaufman in a biopic about Charlie Kaufman, a man famed for appearing in a film about Charlie Kaufman, the writer. Last night he said, “we are all doomed monkeys who lack the constitution for mass suicide”. So that’s a positive. We’ll put him in a ball pit for a week to get him used to the idea of roundness once more and take it from there.
Tetris: the Movie will now be directed by Michael Bay for his production company Platinum Dunes.