BILL STILLER SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN PRISON

NEW YORK – A judge sentenced Ben Stiller to three years in prison.

Ben Stiller – star of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Zoolander 2 – will start a three year prison sentence in March, 2019. This follows sentencing in New York on multiple charges. A court found Mr Stiller guilty of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. The sentence however was relatively light due to cooperation with the office of Special Prosecutor Robert De Niro. Although not named in court, ‘individual 1’ is a veiled reference to Alec Baldwin, president since 2016.

Mr. Stiller’s lawyer Owen Wilson told the Studio Exec:

My client has come out of a tunnel. We thought nothing could be darker than when he did Cable Guy, but this was an even harder time for Mr. Stiller. Now, however, we are ready once Mr. De Niro has finished his investigation to tell the truth about Baldwin and all his crimes.

Alec Baldwin has so far been uncharacteristically quiet on Twitter, but earlier had called out his former lawyer as a ‘weak man’ who was ‘only good in The Royal Tenenbaums and nothing else.’

Meanwhile the De Niro investigation continues and many close to the special prosecutor’s office say that he is now very interested in talking to anyone involved in what is being called the car parking conspiracy.

The case will continue in 2019.

ZOOLANDER 3 GETS NEW POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Zoolander 2 has only just come out but plans are already afoot for the closing film in Ben Stiller’s comedy trilogy: Zoolander 3: We Bought A Zoolander.

Ben Stiller leaked the new poster to the third entry of the Zoolander trilogy – Zoolander 8 – onto the internet today and the Studio Exec was there to mop up the new synopsis. The new film is to star Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander as well as Owen Wilson as Hansel and Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson.

We’re huge fans of the Cameron Crowe picture We Bought a Zoo and for years I’ve wanted to do something that would be a homage to a film that has really influenced my career. I don’t think I would ever have had the nerve to have made Dodgeball or Tropic Thunder without the inspiration that Crowe has given me over the years.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander is only the latest in what looks like a heavy year for We Bought a Zoo spin offs, with Matt Damon’s new Bourne film also taking the Cameron Crowe route of whimsy. Crowe himself is philosophical about the impact of his 2011 light family comedy.

I just make the film I want to make. If it is a huge success, I’m really pleased obviously and if filmmakers come back and say they’re influenced by it, then all the more. I know Terrence Malick is a huge fan and has for years been talking about a shot for shot remake. Although Stanley Kubrick died long before the film was released he also wrote in his diaries a synopsis for a film called ‘We Bought a Safari Park’ which sounds very similar to what I did. Tom Cruise (another fan) told me that Kubrick wanted to make it with him and Nicole after Eyes Wide Shut.

Other We Bought a Zoo spin offs in production include a Die Hard spin off and a Star Wars anthology film.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander will be released in 2017. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

ZOOLANDER 2 ACCUSED OF MODELPHOBIA

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller comedy sequel Zoolander 2 has come under fire for its portrayal of supermodels.

Follow up comedy hit Zoolander 2 is in hot water today following accusations thee its portrayal of supermodels is ‘offensive and inrealistic’. Cara Delevingne and Kate Moss are only two of literally six supermodels who are furious with the way they’re profession is portrayed.

Cara told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

People say that we are supposed to be stupid just because we’re ridiculously good looking. But that’s so unfair. I was in Paper Towns and Kate Moss married Liam Gallagher, or was it Johnny Depp?

Justin Bieber also stood up for the supermodels of the world:

I think this kind of model-phobia is disgraceful. It’s like racism but worse because racism doesn’t have to put up with having to watch your weight and deal with really bad after parties.

In the film Ben Stiller plays Derek Zoolander a supermodel famous for his inability to pronounce words properly and for his trademark looks ‘magnum’, ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘Le Tigre’. Owen Wilson, who plays his best friend Hansel, was furious with the accusations.

This is absolute BS if you don’t mind me saying their chief. I know for a fact that some of my best friends are supermodels and although they’re certainly incredibly good looking they are none too bright upstairs and not one of them would deny that or even want to. The only reason Cara, Kate and Justin are angry is because they wanted to be in the movie and we forgot to call them.

But Justin Bieber is in the movie.

Is he? Oh well point proven!

But what about the argument that the film is transphobic in regard to Benedict Cumberbatch’s character?

Transphobic? Jesus. If you’re worried about a Ben Stiller comedy then I don’t know … Jeez.

Zoolander 2 will be released 12 February, 2016.

ISIS WELCOME ZOOLANDER 2

MOSUL – Islamic terrorist group ISIS have welcomed the news that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are going to return for Zoolander 2.

The announcement of the Zoolander sequel came in the form of an appearance on the cat walk at Paris fashion week, when Stiller and Wilson in character as Hansel and Derek Zoolander had a walk off.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and emir of ISIS, issued a statement on the internet within minutes of the confirmation that Zoolander 2 would begin filming soon.

We of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are overjoyed – God be praised – at the return of Derek Zoolander and Hansel and the comedy that makes us all laugh. We hope – God willing – that there will also be celebrity cameos, featuring David Duchovny Billy Zane or Winona Ryder, who is still hot. We also demand that the Will Ferrell’s villainous fashion designer Mugatu also returns. His improv is priceless.

Exactly what the connection is between ISIS’ declared ambition of creating a universal caliphate and the 2001 comedy film is unclear, but we spoke to Middle East expert Merton Paul to find out:

ISIS has gone through some radical changes in the last few months. The leadership is surprised at the amount of success it has had with its reach now spreading all around the Mediterranean and into central Africa. There is always the danger when a group like this has such success that it will splinter. Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time. All Jihadis love the original Zoolander. 98% of the population of the Arab world rate it as ‘way better than Meet the Parents’ in a recent poll. This will be used as a way of uniting what threatened to become a fragmented movement. For the leadership, Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time.

Zoolander 2 will be released in 2016.

 

ZOOLANDER 2 CONFIRMED AS MALICK’S NEXT PROJECT



HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller has revealed that Terrence Malick has signed up to write and direct the long awaited sequel to the fashion comedy Zoolander.
We originally hired David Lynch but the script he turned in was just too bizarre,” said an uncomfortable looking Stiller.


“His idea was to set it in the future and have Hansel and Derek enter into a love triangle with the disembodied head of Laura Dern, which is being controlled by the reanimated corpse of Dennis Hopper. We thought that would work but a couple of scenes in, he completely lost the plot. Singing bananas, spider monkeys on helium and a sex scene between Kristen Stewart and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. I said ‘David. What about the fashion?’ and he turned around, cackled, then disappeared in a puff of green smoke.”

Stiller was left with no option but to track down Malick who – he discovered – was living in a secret bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert.

“Terry has quite the arsenal down there. Bazookas, M16s, a couple of suitcase nukes. He told me he had recently been dabbling in genetics with the aim of trying to create the perfect soldier and did I want to see the results. I declined but a while later I saw three creatures working on his tank that looked like a cross between Christian Bale and the Borg from Star Trek. “

Stiller also denied reports that Malick’s take on Zoolander will be more spiritual and philosophical than the original.

“Oh no, he told me he’s done with all that. His new mantra is sex and mindless violence. My favourite scene in the whole movie is when Derek meets God and makes his head explode by flashing him the new and improved Blue Steel.”

Zoolander 2 is due for release in 2015.