MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

ZACK SNYDER NEWS ABSENCE ANGERS ZACK SNYDER

With a recent Zack Snyder news absence, Zack Snyder has unleashed a scathing attack on the mainstream media for leaving him out of the headlines. The Zack Snyder news absence, according to Zack Snyder is an attempt by those in power to silence his ‘totally awesome artistic voice’, and prevent the public from seeing his, ‘totally bitching ass-kicking movies’. The Exec spoke with Zack Snyder earlier:

 



So you’re unhappy about the Zack Snyder news absence?

 


You’re damned straight I aint happy about the Zack Snyder news absence. Did you know I haven’t trended on Twitter for nearly two weeks? Da fuck is that about man?

 

 

Is there any Zack Snyder news? Any new announcements?

 


Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t come at me with all your questions trying to justify why Zack Snyder aint numero uno in the news. It’s the mainstream media man, they’re against old Zack. Because they can’t handle the darkness of my movies and ass-kicking, totally bitchin’ action scenes. Oh, and the rain, they can’t handle all the slo-mo rain.

 


Would you say your style has rubbed some people up the wrong way?

 


Look, the way I see it is that my style is too in their face. They all want Richard Donner’s Superman. Fuckin’ do good hippies. That’s all well and good for the 70s and 80s but this is 2021 man. Because Superman is hench, with friggin’ Vegas zombies, man. There’s undead Tigers running around chewing your face off, man.

 


So what projects do you have coming up?

 


Check this out… friggin’ Zombie Batman (Ben Affleck) is captured by the Zombie Joker (Jared Leto) who then makes him fight a Zombie Tiger. It’ll all be narrated by Gerrard Butler… who’s a zombie.

 


You’ve run out of ideas, haven’t you?

 


Just shut up and pass me the Adderall.

 


Zombie Batman Vs Zombie Tigers starts shooting later this year… perhaps.

ZACK SNYDER TO TAKE OVER MARVEL UNIVERSE

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League director Zack Snyder to take over Marvel Universe.

Following his success at releasing Zack Snyder‘s Justice League, the 300 director Zack Snyder is due to take over the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Kevin Feige today announced that he would step down from his position overseeing the MCU:

I know when I’m beat. I’ve watched what Zack has achieved over at DC and I know he’s the man to reverse our fortunes.

Although Zack won’t be the first director to move between the two universes – James Gunn went in the other direction – he will eb the most high profile director to have done so. In many ways, Snyder is as much the face of DC as Feige has represented for Marvel. However, the Snydster – as he insists on us calling him – seemed blithely dismissive of any objections.

Fans, you know, fuck ’em! The way I see it is that there aren’t any universes. There’s just one universe the Snyderverse. That’s what I’ll concentrate all my efforts to bring into existence. I mean let’s face it: there are so many things I can do. The DC Universe is kind of done. I don’t want to say I perfect it, but I kinda did. What else can I do? I mean, realistically?

With that Zack turned and walked away in slow motion as a thousand crows fell to his feet.

Batman Vs Superman Vs Spiderman starts filming in May.

SNYDER CUT AS HBO CANCELS JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – HBO cancels Justice League in a shock move.

The much anticipated 4 hour film will release on Tik-Tok as HBO cancels Justice League, The Snyder Cut. The surprise announcement came earlier today as rumours grew and grew about the release of the controversial Snyder Cut of the lackluster blockbuster where heroes muster.

Tik-Tok, Tik-Tok

The 4 hour film will now be released on the micro video sharing site, Tik-Tok in a series of over 1600 posts for comic book fans to watch. Zack Snyder released the following statement to confirm the rumours:

HBO Can Suck It

Subjects, worshippers and Snydians. I, Zack Snyder have parted ways with the evil corporate machine that is HBO. After initially promising me whatever I wanted to finally release the much anticipated Snyder Cut of The Justice League, HBO fucked me. Although calling it The Snyder Cut suggested it already existed, I basically had to shoot the whole fucking thing again. Some of the capitalist douche-bags at HBO lost faith when I showed them images of the brand new villain. They stupidly claim ‘it looks just like the old one, just a bit shinier’. Pricks.

Bullshit

That is of course bullshit, man. It’s totally a different villain-alien thing. His armour is spikier, the hills in the background look greener and, yes I’ll grant you, his armour is shinier. But let’s concentrate on the positive. Those fine, fine people at Tik-Tok have swooped in to save the day just like Iron Man or Spiderman.

Cinema Is Dead

As we all know, cinema is dead. No-one likes going to movie theatres now, we just want to watch stuff on our phones or tablets. Just ask Marty Scorsese or Christopher Nolan, they’ll be the first to agree. Movies just don’t work on the big screen anymore. Movies, especially 4 fucking hour long movies, are best watched in 15 second segments.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Let’s face it, kids today are totally incapable for concentrating any longer than a few seconds at a time. That’s why no-one went to see any of my last few movies. That’s totally the reason. No other reason could possibly explain how I could take tried and tested cash cows like Batman and Superman and screw the pooch. It wasn’t down to me. It’s the audience’s fault. Fucking jerk offs. So here we are. We’re releasing a 4 hour plus movie on a platform that only allows 15 second videos. It’s great, totally great. It’s fine. Totally fine.

The Justice League Snyder Cut Will Be Rolled Out On Tik-Tok In March.

ZACK SNYDER CASTS GERARD BUTLER AS WILLY WONKA

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder casts Gerard Butler as Willy Wonka.

Warner Bros have announced Zack Snyder casts Gerard Butler as Willy Wonka in the lead role of the prequel to the Roald Dahl children’s classic. In a shock press release by the Hollywood studio, Warner’s have not only announced Snyder is to direct the Roald Dahl prequel, but also that Butler will play the candy tycoon. The press release reads as follows:

‘We are delighted to announce Zack Snyder will direct the upcoming Willy Wonka prequel, ‘Wonka: Death By Chocolate’. We are doubly delighted to also announce Gerard Butler will star as the ass-kicking candy king.’

15 Hour Snyder Cut

When Snyder eventually completes the edit on Justice League (hahahahaha, he ain’t editing Jack shit out of that thing) he will start work on Wonka. The plan is that he will initially release a ‘Theatrical Pre-Snyder Cut Edition’. He’ll wait for it to not make the shooting budget back at the box office. Once that happens, he’ll start a load of rumors through various Twitter accounts. When they gather momentum he’ll bitch and moan about not being able to release his vision for the film and then release his full 15 hour cut that he was always going to release from day one.’

The statement continues: ‘Honestly, which one of the Warner brothers did this guy blow? Why do we keep making his fucking movies? Do you know how many fucking hours of Justice League screenings I’ve had to endure? And now this shit. Seriously, somebody please shoot me in the face. I feel like Rorschach by the end of Watchmen. Where’s my Dr. Manhattan to turn me into a bloody pile of goo? Anyway, here’s the synopsis –

It is a time of war, a time of heroes, a time of darkness, lots of darkness. It’s very, very dark. We can’t stress enough how dark everything is. Believe us. It’s fucking dark. They took his home, ruined his life and killed his parents (obviously). But he fought back the only way he knew how. By shouting ‘SPARTA!’ at the top of his voice and with extreme, slow motion violence. Oh, yeah, we nearly forgot, he also made chocolate and candy and stuff.’

Willy Wonka: Death By Chocolate starts shooting in the summer.

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN – Diana Prince and Captain Kirk win the First World War.

I have to admit that over the years I’ve become heartily tired of Superhero Movies. And that hasn’t all been Zack Snyder’s fault. The DC Universe has stumbled out of the gate and Sony are all over the shop, but even the slick Marvel machine has ground me down with its monotonous mash ups. So 2017 surprised me well and truly. First there was the Unforgiven of X-Men movies: Logan from that weary franchise. And now Wonder Woman arrives with an thrilling lead performance by Gal Gadot, a thumping score and some slick storytelling by Patty Jenkins.

We start on the secret island home of the Amazonians where Joaquin’s sister from Gladiator rules and Claire Underwood trains the troops. Diane is a little girl, like many in the audience, aspiring to take part. Grown into a young warrior, her life gets a bit of trauma and a call to action when Captain Kirk arrives crashing into the sea in a stolen German bi-plane. After checking out his undercarriage, Diane gets the urge to join the war to end all wars and fulfil her role, killing the god of war whose machinations she sees behind the carnage.

She Crocodile Dundees it to London, but here her confusion and fish out of water-ness has a poignant political point. Diane’s innocence exposes the ludicrous and craven reality of Europe at the beginning of last century. It’s a point that bears repeating and which utterly justifies the period setting. The action sequences are genuinely stirring. But – like Logan – the true superpower is giving a shit about the characters on screen. Something Jenkins and her cast achieve brilliantly.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

ZACK SNYDER’S NEXT FILM: ‘ONE LONG SLOW MOTION FUNERAL IN THE RAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder announces his dream project.

Once Justice League is completed, Zack Snyder has revealed that his next film will be a departure from the comic book universe and will consist entirely of one long slow motion funeral in the rain.

The 300 and Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice director, Zack Snyder has spoken about his next project EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s just going to be a funeral in slow motion in the rain and we’re going to ahve lots and lots of flashbacks but all the flashbacks are also going to be to slow motion funerals in the rain. It’s what I was born to do.

You do like slow motion funerals.

I do. I slow motion funerals, I love destroying cities, I love montages and I love pineapples. But Spongebob ruined those for everyone else. I still got the funerals though. They belong to me.

Four Slow Motion Funerals and No Wedding will be released in 2018.

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

JESSE EISENBERG TO STAY IN JAIL UNTIL MAN OF STEEL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Jesse Eisenberg has been remanded in custody until the making of Man of Steel 2.

Lex Luthor star and short story writer Jesse Eisenberg will stay in jail until the shooting of Man of Steel 2, it was revealed today. Eisenberg has not actually been formally charged with a crime, but Zack Snyder and the executives at Warner Brothers decided that his portrayal of Lex Luthor was so irritating that he deserved to be incarcerated and kept away fromt he general public for their mutual protection. Snyder spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Jesse is a method actor as I’m sure you know. That annoying shtick he does in practically every movie, that takes tonnes of preparation. I mean he’s never out of character. He’s so committed. Once we were even shooting really late and he was still in character. It was unbelievable. Ben Affleck came up to me and said ‘Is there anyway we can shut him off?’ That got us all thinking. Of course there wasn’t but as we were shooting in chronological order – because of hair issues – and we were shooting in a real prison, once we got him in the cell, we just locked him in and ‘forgot’ to go back for him.

Won’t you be in trouble legally?

Who gives a shit?

Man of Steel 2 won’t even feature Lex Luthor.

TOM WAITS RULES HIMSELF OUT AS NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran singer/songwriter and actor Tom Waits has ruled himself out of the lead role in the new Batman to be directed by Woody Allen and to begin filming in early 2019.

The gravelly voiced graveyard crooner Tom Waits has been called in to take over from Ben Affleck after he removed himself from the role following dissappointing reviews of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Woody Allen is to take over writing and directing from Zack Snyder who apologized to fans for the mess he had made. ‘I screwed up,’ he told the Studio Exec.

Waits said that he was very flattered by Allen’s invitation but he felt he was ‘too old for the part’.

The bespectacled zany said that Waits had asked him ‘if he was high’ when Allen first approached him about the role. Waits has appeared in a number of films, including most recently Seven Psychopaths.

‘Batman is a very physical role, with lots of fighting and running and jumping and I don’t know if I have the energy for it any more,’ said Waits.

Woody Allen will now be calling on his next choice – Kenneth Brannagh – who is said to be ‘mad keen’ on the idea.

For more on the Woody Allen Batman read here.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HENRY CAVILL

HOLLYWOOD – He is Superman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice but what do we really know about British born actor Henry Cavill?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad into Metropolis to discover 5 FACTS about Henry Cavill, the man of steel. Here they are:

  1. Henry Cavill was born on a planet that was about to be destroyed by its own volcanoes. He was placed in a space ship by Maximus.
  2. As well as being The Man From Uncle in Guy Ritchie’s remake, Henry Cavill is actually an uncle, after his brother or sister had a child.
  3. Henry Cavill was originally in contention to play Edward in Twilight, 007 in Casino Royale and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games. He lost the roles for different reasons. He was too old for Twilight; too young for Casino Royale; and too male for The Hunger Games.
  4. Although Henry Cavill killed Michael Shannon at the end of Man of Steel (SPOILER ALERT), he was never arrested because it was all pretend.
  5. While filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder encouraged the two leads to have an adversarial relationship by telling them they were both shit.

For more FACTS click HERE.