HETEROSEXUAL CALL ME BY YOUR NAME IN THE WORKS

HOLLYWOOD – Luca Guadagnino’s Call Me by Your Name is to be remade as a heterosexual love story.

Set in Italy in 1983, Call Me by Your Name chronicles the romantic relationship between a 17-year-old Italian-American boy, Elio Perlman, and his father’s American assistant, Oliver. Timothée Chalamet and Armi Hammer star and the film has received critical praise and even Oscar buzz. Now it looks like a remake is in the offing, but with a twist. A source close to the remake told the Studio Exec:

We love the piece and we want to see what it would look like as a heterosexual love story. After all, the themes themselves are universal and not specific to any particular sexual orientation.

Ellen Page and Zachary Quinto have signed on to play the two leads. Quinto spoke to Studio Exec about the role:

Normally it isn’t something that would attract me. But the novel is so strong and I like the challenge of playing a straight man who isn’t Vulcan.

Ellen Page countered criticism that the new film is swapping over the sexuality.

I think it is proof of how much progress we’ve made that it honestly doesn’t matter one bit if this story is gay or straight. It’s all love after all.

The remake is only the latest in a series of ‘re-straights’ – Heterosexual versions of gay movies – that have taken Hollywood by storm. The success of Healthy Back Mountain in 2016 began the trend, which was swiftly followed by Daryl – a remake of Todd Haynes’ Carol – and Blue is NOT the Warmest Color.

Call Me by My Name comes out in 2019.

STARSHIP ENTERPRISE DESTROYED AGAIN: ‘SAFETY ISSUES’

HOLLYWOOD – The USS Enterprise NCC-1701 has been destroyed again, Star Fleet revealed today.

The space ship the USS Enterprise has once more been destroyed. The deep space exploration vessel has been destroyed several times in the past, but has always been rebuilt and refitted. Usually commanded by Captain Kirk it was initially commanded by Captain Pike and Captain Spock had a short stint as a commander before then Admiral Kirk took over and destroyed the ship again. Captain Jean-Luc Picard had been the last captain to destroy the ship until the arrival of a new Captain Kirk who quickly got on with the job of destroying the Starship Enterprise.

A spokesperson for Star Fleet spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact that this space ship keeps getting destroyed is an area of concern for us. There have to be serious safety issues. We’ve had this before. We did a statistical analysis and we found a surprisingly high casualty rate among any crew member who wore a red shirt. We changed all the shirts to mauve and the numbers changed accordingly. Maybe we should think about renaming the Enterprise. After all, it’s not the f*cking Death Star.

The Starship Enterprise can be seen blowing up in Star Trek Beyond.

LEONARD NIMOY ‘MAY NOT BE DEAD’

HOLLYWOOD – Rumors are circulating today that Leonard Nimoy, the veteran Star Trek actor who passed away earlier this year, may in fact still be alive.

Star Trek enthusiast Artie Pupkin speculates that Leonard Nimoy may still be alive, arguing that Nimoy’s casket was shot onto the planet of Genesis, following the detonation of a new ‘terra-forming’ device:

Nimoy wished that his funeral exactly resemble the plot to “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock,” the first film of the franchise that Nimoy himself directed. Now it is becoming apparent that perhaps this was a bid for immortality, as he knew full well that the terra-forming device might have an effect on his own body.

Shocking evidence for the theory came with the publication of a photo that seems to show Leonard Nimoy’s coffin in some kind of extraterrestrial grove. Others have angrily denied this is the case. William Shatner told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is. Impossible. People. Need. To know the difference between fiction. And reality.

But Pupkin is adamant in his ambivalence:

I’m not saying this is true or untrue—what I’m saying is there are two things we need to be aware of. If Zachary Quinto starts to behave really weirdly then there’s a strong likelihood he possesses Nimoy’s katra, or memory spirit, and he should be taken to hospital and/or the planet Genesis, preferably by his own crew, Pegg, Pine, et cetera, gone renegade. The other thing is this: pay attention to the killer whales at SeaWorld. That’s a longer-term thing but we should keep our eyes on them.

“Star Trek: Into Tribbles” will be released in 2017.

 

STAR TREK 3: PLOT AND TITLE LEAKED

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner has J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek into Darkness warp speeded out of our memory banks than  Star Trek 3 teleports in with a leaked memo from Bad Robot Studios complete with film title and synopsis. 

Stark Trek: The Search for Kirk looks set to continue Roberto Orci’s trademark thievery:

Following their deadly battle with Khan, the crew of the enterprise come to terms with the [NEAR] death of Spock KIRK, but as they continue on their mission Kirk [SPOCK] becomes convinced that Spock [KIRK] is still alive on the planet where they launched the Genesis device  Earth. It turns out that McCoy has been implanted with Spock’s [KIRK’s] chaka-khan and a resurrected  Spock [KIRK] is alive as a small child on the planet surface. Klingons turn up intent on mischief played by someone from Taxi   Modern Family. Kirk’s [SPOCK’s] son is kidnapped and then murdered by the Klingon leading  Kirk [SPOCK] to say ‘Bastard Klingons, you killed my son’ 3 times.

 Stark Trek: The Search for Kirk will be released in 2015.