PATRICK STEWART AND IAN MCKELLEN TO PLAY WALDORF AND STATLER

LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 

NEW LOGAN FILM RIPS OFF WOLVERINE

HOLLYWOOD – New Hugh Jackman film Logan is a blatant Wolverine rip-off.

The trailer for Logan dropped this week, leading many fans to claim the film was way to derivative of X-Men character Wolverine. The film seems to star Hugh Jackman as Logan, a man who appears to have Wolverine like claws. At one point in the trailer – perhaps as some kind of joke – he even holds an X-Men comic book.

X-Men x-pert Mr. Titmus had this to say:

It’s an absolute travesty. Hugh Jackman wants to go on to do something else? Get away from the X-Men? Fine. But that something else looks exactly like Wolverine, but a bit older. It’s ridiculous. There’s even Patrick Stewart.

Hugh Jackman was unavailable for comment.

Logan will be released in 2017.

HUGH JACKMAN’S LOGAN RANT

HOLLYWOOD – Wolverine actor Hugh Jackman is furious about the new film Logan, claiming that it is a direct rip off of the X-Men character he has played for fifteen years.

Hugh Jackman is usually a mild-mannered sweet man, but when he stormed into the Studio Exec bungalow this morning he was furious.

‘Have you seen this?’ he said, shoving his tablet in my face and showing me a trailer for the new film Logan. ‘I can’t believe it.’

When I asked what was the problem, this is what he said:

I was really looking forward to this new film Logan. The original is amazing with Michael York and Jenny Agutter. I should have known something was wrong when they left the “‘s Run” off the title. But anyway… I watched it and it turns out they’ve totally ripped off Wolverine. I mean it’s the same character, the actor looks just like me and he has these claws. They’ve even managed to rope in poor Patrick Stewart to play someone called Charles, who is just obviously Professor Xavier.

But isn’t it…

And the thing that pisses me off is it actually looks better than the Wolverine movies. They even got Johnny Cash to do the soundtrack. I thought he was dead.

Logan will be released in 2017.

FREE HATS TO BE GIVEN AWAY WITH X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

HOLLYWOOD – Free hats are to be given away at cinemas showing X-Men: Apocalypse, Bryan Singer revealed today.

X-Men: Apocalypse director Bryan Singer revealed that everyone who goes to see his new film X-Men: Apocalypse will be given a free hat. Bryan Singer was speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec following the release of the trailer for the new installment which will star James McAvoy, Nicholas Hoult, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Sophie Turner and Michael Fassbender as Magneto!

It is really hard for us right now. The Avengers are really out there kicking our asses and then there’s Star Wars and all the spin offs from that to contend with.  There are all these gimmicks as well. IMAX, 3D, IMAX 3D, so I was thinking how can I make the X-Men relevant once more? How can I make it so people want to come and see our movie and not some other movie? And the answer came to me in a dream. Give away free hats.

With every ticket?

Yes, absolutely with every ticket. Once you get your ticket, you get the free hat. I’ve designed them personally. They’ll be top hats and they’ll have writing across them. One will say ‘I went to see the X-Men: Apocalypse and Loved It’ and the other will say ‘The X-Men Rock (Not As Much As The Avengers, But Still)’. The idea is that people will go and see our film and when they come out wearing their hats, it’ll be advertising for our movie. Isn’t that wonderful?

And these are top hats?

Yes.

Well, won’t they block the view? I mean if everyone gets a top hat and puts it on during the film, the people behind won’t be able to see.

The don’t have to… why would they…

You could have bowler hats.

We’ve already bought the top hats. We’ve already made them. Hundreds of thousands of top hats. Half of them saying ‘I went to see the X-Men: Apocalypse and Loved It’ and the other half saying ‘The X-Men Rock (Not As Much As The Avengers, But Still)’.

Didn’t that cost a lot of money?

Half our budget.

This is a really…

Shut up.

X-Men: Apocalypse will be released on May 26th, 2016.

CAREY MULLIGAN TO PLAY WOLVERINE

HOLLYWOOD – News from the X-Men universe has it that Carey Mulligan is to play the new Wolverine in X-Men: Apocalypse.

The 30 year old actress famed for her roles in An Education, Drive and The Great Gatsby will be taking over from Hugh Jackman, who has played James Howlett AKA Rogan AKA Wolverine for fifteen years, including 5 X-Men films and two stand alone Wolverine movies. A third Wolverine movie due out in 2017 and was rumored to be Jackman’s last appearance in the role but it looks now as if Carey Mulligan will be taking over.

A spokesperson for Fox told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It is a sad fact that Hugh Jackman following a whole bunch of films – seven in total – will finally be hanging up his titanium claws, but we’re really excited to have found a replacement who will bring Wolverine to a whole new audience. Carey has that fresh faced exuberance and that lovely shy vulnerability that is there in the comic books and that Hugh, despite all his best efforts, singularly failed to bring to the screen.

Fox is hoping to change several of the main characters in a bid to compete with Marvel’s Avengers series and casting rumors have been rife. Ariana Grande is currently in talks to play a new version of Professor Xavier and Miley Cyrus looks like a possible Nightcrawler.

Mulligan herself said that she was ‘excited by the opportunity but also a little nervous of having to go up against Hugh’s super portrayal.’ She has already begun smoking cigars to prepare for the role and is due to have the surgery which will see her adamantium skeleton implanted.

How does she feel about having six inch razor sharp claws protruding from her knuckles?

‘Well, I’ll never be lost for a pair of scissors again!’ says the delightful Mulligan.

X-Men Apocalypse will be released in 2016 and Wolverine: Donkey Heaven will be out the following year. 

JAMES WOODS LOSES FORTUNE IN CERAMICS

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood actor James Woods admitted today he had lost his entire fortune in a misguided investment in ceramic action figures.

The Videodrome actor admitted he had been misled by his business associates:

They told me that the technology was very advanced and the action figures wouldn’t break. Donnie and Vincent Beacon told me the figures would be suitable for all ages as well as be worth a lot of money potentially as collectibles with time. We made Pacific Rim action figures, X-Men and the characters from all the Steven Soderbergh films, in particular Behind the Candelabra and Haywire. Unfortunately, the Beacon brothers had strung me along with a lot of false information and the figures broke extremely easily into very sharp pieces. In fact they crumbled. In some cases children were badly injured both when the figures broke like shrapnel and when subsequently some of the children ingested fragments, tempted by the fact we had perhaps unwisely flavoured them strawberry.

When asked about the extent of his financial losses, the Once Upon a Time in America star broke down in tears and moaned like an animal:

They wiped me out. Those bastards. I poured everything in. Even what I got from Salvador and I never got much from that. But still. Now I don’t have a pot to piss in. The house is gone, my cars, my collection of vintage hats. I asked them again and again, I told them Pacific Rim action figures in ceramics? Are you sure? They said yeah. Those little motherf*ckers blew up in my face. There was the money I lost and then on top of that there have been a series of law suits, all of which we have lost.

Anyone who wishes to help James Woods, if you have a room, a small job to do, gardening whatever, please contact us at studioexec1@gmail.com

JAMES MCAVOY CONFIRMS MR. TUMNUS SPIN OFF

NARNIA – Fans of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe were racked by multiple geekgasms today, when it was announced that James McAvoy would be returning to the pan pipes for Narnia spin off Mr. Tumnus Takes a Packet of Tea.

Many believed they had seen the last of the half naked, tea making and pipe playing fawn, but apparently world-wide demand could not be nay-sayed. On speaking to the Studio Exec earlier today, the Scottish actor who recently excelled in Filth seemed less than whole-heartedly enthusiastic.

Two words. Fer-uck. Have’ney seen enough of that irritating wee shite? 

So you’re not looking forward to …

Am i not looking forward to frezing me wee nipples off? Nay I’m not. And for what? A children’s film! I cannae do it, not again.

So why are you doing it?

They pay well and they’ve said I can rewrite the script.

Oh really? 

I’m gonna insist in my contract. Page one. Scene One. Mr. Tumnus knits a f*cking jumper. And he’s gonna be edgier too. He’s gonna snort cocaine and hang with some dirty beavers.

You mean the Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, voiced by the wonderful talent Dawn French and Ray Winstone?

No. I mean beavers. And I’m changing the title.

Mr. Tumnus Enters the Void will be released in 2016. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 23. BRYAN SINGER

MALIBU – Apt Pupil and X-Men director, Bryan Singer limps into the sun-drenched brunch bar with a weary expression and slumps down to a bowl of handcrafted Cheerios. He eyes me and then the wall behind me and then he says ‘Coffee!’

So Bryan, you recently came out with the news that you would be directing X-Men Apocalypse after X-Men: Days of Future Past. How do the films relate?

Back when I was picking beans in Guatamala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I’m in a brunch bar. 

You don’t like the coffee?

I’ll probably shit blood tonight.

Why don’t you drink some juice? Or water?

Maybe. I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, all thick and gooey.

Jesus Christ!

I know, I know.

So the X-Men…?

You’re tense, Chad. You know tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. There was this baritone whose name was Kip Diskin. Big fat guy. I mean, like orca fat. 

How do you feel about the success of Man of Steel after the failure of Superman Returns?

Zach Snyder… The man… He becomes a myth. A spook story directors tell their children at night. ‘Mess with my  lenses and Zach Snyder will get you.’ 

What about your work on House? Do you have plans for other TV shows? Do you see yourself more as Bryan Singer the film director, or Bryan Singer the show runner?

Who is Bryan Singer? He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say my father was German. Nobody believes I’m real. Nobody sees me or works directly for me. You never knew. That is my power.

Now you’re going to tell me the greatest trick…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…

Was convincing the world…

He never existed.

Right.

That your car  out front?

Yeah.

Hand me the motherfucking keys, cocksucker!

And with that (pffff!) he was gone.  

For more Breakfast With Assholes click HERE.

‘I AM NOT ANDY KAUFMAN’: IAN MCKELLEN DENIES RUMOR

LONDON – Gandalf, Magneto star and occasional actor, Sir Ian McKellen has angrily denied that he is Andy Kaufman (For the original story click here). ‘For a start I’m about ten years too old,’ yelled the Thespian.

He went on to remark:

I know what you arseholes are up to. You’re just spreading rumors and fake news to get cheap laughs. You’re a bunch of parasitical bum cracks. 

But Ian?

 SIR Ian! You jumped up little turd. I’m a respected f*cking theatre actor, I’ve played Lear, I’ve played Richard the Third, I was in Apt Pupil. I’m not the funny immigrant from Taxi, you twat! 

Keep your hair on, Gandalf.

Oh you want to dance, fart face? Is that what this is? You are in dangerous territory. Already Patrick Stewart was like, let’s just go and stomp their bullshit faces to hummus, let’s just tear them new effluent holes, but I was like we’re respected men of the theatre and the X-Men universe, Patrick, some decorum. He was in Dune, you shit stain! 

Okay, we’re sorry. If you want we’ll print a denial.

The mini-f*cking-mum.  

So you’re not Andy Kaufman?

No. Well… Not legally.

What do you mean ‘legally’?

What? No! The line is breaking up… sorry. I’ll call back. 

The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug will be amongst us Xmas-y.