HOLLYWOOD – Ever since Victor Helperin‘s 1932 film White Zombie, the undead have been limping and lurching, drooling and more recently raging across out cinema screens.
The cultish gore fest and satire of the George Romero films of the Seventies gave way to the mainstream shoot em ups of War World Z and The Walking Dead and so it is with some sadness – and relief – that studio executives announced today that they were definitively killing off the cult figure before there was a serious outbreak.
A spokesperson for AMC pivotal in the making of Walking Dead commented:
We had tried by getting rid of Frank Darabont, but that wasn’t the head shot we’d assumed it would be and the damn seasons just kept staggering on, blood and pus-oozing from what ought to have been a fatal wound. We tried killing off the interesting characters but here we are again. Like half a body dragging its entrails spilling torso across the floor towards us.
Danny Boyle – director of 28 Days Later – said he was not sorry to see the back of the horror sub-genre.
When we made 28 Days Later we were essentially trying to reinvent the zombie, speed it up and make the stories less contrived. However, the Rec films and World War Z have convinced me that even this injection of angry raging life has not been enough.
Sociologist and film critic U’buto Menege wrote recently in the Huffington Post:
Freud said that nightmares were fantasies that are too transgressive to admit. Our feelings of horror are actually just us acting out what we really want. The problem with the zombie scenario is that fantasy is actually all too obvious. The nightmare is no longer there. It’s pure fantasy. We dress up as zombies at the drop of a hat. Freud would shit himself laughing.
From 2014 no more Zombie films (or infection films) will go into production. The ones already in production will be taken out to the back lot by government agents in bright yellow chemical threat suits and buried by a bulldozer in a large communal pit.
The last Zombie film to be shown will be Martin Luther King Jr: Zombie Killer.
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NEW YORK – Although we are yet to see Brad Pitt’s new zombie war film World War Z, Paramount and Plan B are confident enough of its success to commission a prequel: World War Y.
Although the first film is based on a novel by Max Brooks, The World War Z Prequel already has an original treatment.
Quantum of Solace and World War Z director, Marc Foster explains:
As we were filming we already started the conversation about where we could go next with the story. Of course the easy option would have been to go for the sequel and say, okay there’s another outbreak but then we went World War Z 2? Nah. World War A? Nah. But World War Y? Perfect. Unfortunately this does present us with some narrative issues.
Why has no one in the first film heard about there having been another war – and not just a war, a world war – a few years earlier. James Cameron took a meeting and he suggested we call it World Wars Zs, but he’s been running with that shtick for years. Finally Brad got Damon Lindelof on board and he’s come up with a very original solution.
Parallel universes. It’s based on science.
World War Y will be released in 2015.
NEW YORK – Brad Pitt only gives interviews with great reluctance and is sure to control the environment.
The only way he would agree to give an interview to Studio Exec was for us to agree that he would be in a helicopter racing through the skyscraper canyons of New York City while our intrepid reporter Chad, clung to a rope ladder that swung vertiginously from the door of the helicopter.
How did you first get involved in World War Z?
HOW DID YOU FIRST GET INVOLVED IN WORLD WAR Z?
Oh, we were in a bidding war for the book, which you know was okay. I think Leo wanted it and we got it. And then we got the guy who ruined the last James Bond film and that was it. We were on our way.
There have been a lot of rumors..?
I can’t hear you.
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF RUMORS ABOUT DIFFICULTIES ON THE SET.
Oh right. Yeah. Well, I love the fragrance and I spoke to Joe Wright and we had some ideas, so yeah I was happy to do it.
NO, I MEANT WORLD WAR Z.
Out of my own head? No, I told you there was a book.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO NEXT?
Great question Chad, but I think you should hold on with both hands it’s getting hairy. There’s really quite a crosswind here. As for next, well, if this film does well, we have ideas for potentially 23 other films. Just go down from the alphabet. World War X, World War Y etc.
WORLD WAR ETC?
Very funny Chad. How do I unhook this thing.