HOLLYWOOD – Following his heroic performance between the posts for Team USA at the World Cup, Tim Howard is to become a subject for a new film starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, entitled: Goalkeeper.
The new film – directed by Wolfgang Petersen – will chart the rise of the bearded ball stopper from the lowly North Jersey Imperials to the middling English football club Everton. ‘It’s kind of a rags to riches Cinderella story,’ said Johnson who admitted to being unfamiliar with the rules of ‘kick soccer’ before accepting the role.
It’s fascinating really. Here is a guy whose position in the team is to stop people scoring goals, even though the whole idea of the soccer football is to score goals. So paradoxically he’s doing the opposite of what he is supposed to do! I mean, talk about complex.
Petersen – famous in his native Germany for his World War 2 film about a famous striker Das Boot – expressed pleasure at returning to the genre which had brought him early success.
This is the film which will make soccer a number one sport for the Americans. I always do this. When I made The Perfect Storm everyone said, ‘No one will like it. Americans don’t get weather.’ After I made it, there were more storms and hurricanes than ever before in America. All because of my little film.
The Goalkeeper will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Now that the USA are through to the knock out stages of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, the FACT team at Studio Exec decided it was time to parachute into Brazil and score some FACTS about this most fascinating of ‘sports’.
1. The word ‘world’ in World Cup, actually means literally the world. And not just America as in World Series! Whatever will they think of next?
2. You can lose and still go through. Even though the USA lost to the Germans they still went through to the knock out stage because of something called ‘goal difference’. This refers to how well the ‘goalie’ – back woods mechanic Tim Howard in our case – decorates the goal with ethnic knick knacks, making it genuinely different.
3. The Rest of the World call soccer football but nobody knows why. The most likely theory is that an Englishman misheard a Portuguese sea captain while ordering oysters in an Amsterdam tavern, as immortalized in Jacques Brel’s ‘Amsterdam’, covered superbly by David Bowie.
4. When the ball misses going in the net, but hits the side netting or the post or the bar, this is worth half a goal. These half goals are only counted up in the case of a draw.
5. Biting Italian defenders is a popular sport in Uruguay in its own right. Luis Suarez was the under 21 champion, gnawing his way through the elderly 1976 Azzurri squad.
For more FACTS click here.
BRAZIL – Monty Python director Terry Gilliam is beginning principal photography on The World Cup today. The film will document the most important football tournament in the world while adding touches of Gilliam’s own surreal humor.
Although Gilliam has been toying with the idea for years, he has faced opposition both from the studios and FIFA. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Heath Ledger was going to play the captain of the Australian football team, but unfortunately he died again. I called Johnny Depp and Colin Farrell and someone else but their phones all seem to be broken. Tom Waits is playing the referee/the Grim Reaper. FIFA were really unhelpful.
Well, at the end of the football games I wanted a huge foot to drop on the pitch and squash the players like ants. They didn’t get it.
What made you choose to make this film?
It’s in Brazil. And I made Brazil. And … that’s it.
Do you like football?
The World Cup: The Unofficial Film will be released in 2015.