COUNTDOWN TO OSCARS 2019 BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 91st Academy Awards (also known popularly as the Oscars) begins.

Sunday sees Jimmy Kimmel host the 90th Academy Awards but here at the Studio Exec we’re already looking forward to the next edition.

We spoke with resident Oscar expert Oscar Isaac:

The 91st edition of the Academy Awards look like being the most competitive ever. A real make or break year. Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks are joined in the acting categories by Sting and Kevin James in what has turned out to be a genuinely surprising year. The new Tarantino movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood might see the famed director get his hands on a Best Picture for the first time. Though some claim that his killing of Leonardo di Caprio might go against him.

He killed di Caprio?

To be fair, Quentin didn’t force him to fly that helicopter in Mexico.

Jesus.

Woody Allen’s collaboration with Roman Polanski – Thank God for Little Girls – was the surprise entrant in the Foreign Language category, his first French language film where it’ll compete with Michael Haneke’s Eine Kliene Nacht Musik – which translates as You Are All a Bunch of Shitting Bastards. As for Best Picture, Guillermo del Toro must certainly be in the running with his Splash reboot and George Lucas for Button Pants. There’s also bound to be the now traditional mix up at the end. Hashtag hilarious.

Thanks Oscar.

That’s fine Exec.

The Oscars are on Sunday.

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

WOODY ALLEN DONATES SALARY TO ME TOO AND SWEARS NEVER TO WORK WITH HIMSELF AGAIN

NEW YORK – Actor and film director Woody Allen has sworn he will never work with himself again and has pledged his salary to the MeToo movement.

Woody Allen joins Greta Gerwig, Rebecca Hall and Timothée Chalamet in publically distancing himself from the work of the legendary comedian and director. Woody explained to the Studio Exec:

It’s going to tricky for me going forward, but the way I see it the time has come to make a stand. This a historic sea change in which finally women are being heard and victims of sexual abuse are being given their day.

But Woody, you’re the man who has been accused of sexual abuse?

That’s what makes it so complicated. But I’m still willing to do my part.

The news that Allen is refusing to have anything to do with himself comes after a series of high profile collaborators issued similar statements. In the past, Allen has enjoyed the benefit of the doubt. But it looks as if the tide is turning for the 82 year old New Yorker.

A Rainy Day in New York will be released the week after I Love You, Daddy.

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

WOODY ALLEN TO PLAY JOKER IN JOKER ORIGIN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Woody Allen is to play the young Joker in an origin movie of Batman’s most famous villain.

The Studio Exec can confirm that Woody Allen is in talks to play the Clown Prince of Crime in a new Warner Bros. movie about the origins of the Joker. The Hangover director Todd Phillips will direct and co-write the script with Scott Silver (8 Mile). He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with Studio Exec about the casting of Allen.

We were looking at first at a lot of young actors but the fact of the matter is they’re all shit. Some of them were funny but couldn’t act; others could act but weren’t funny. But Woody Allen could do both. I mean he’s amazing.

But isn’t Woody too old?

He isn’t that old.

He’s 81.

Oh. Shit. Erm. We can digitally de-age him. I think. That won’t be a problem. Anyway, he’s very excited about the project. We’re asking him to help with the script as well. When you have a gag writer like Allen, it’d be stupid not to use him.

Why not just use Jared Leto?

Ha ha ha ha ha. That’s great Exec. Oh wait, you weren’t joking.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know about the Joker But Were Too Afraid to Ask will be released in 2020.

NEW SEASON OF THE COSBY SHOW LOOKS UNLIKELY

HOLLYWOOD – It looks like there will not be a new season of popular sit-com The Cosby Show.

Speaking from a hotel in New York, Bill Cosby admitted that it is unlikely there will be a new season of The Cosby Show:

It looks like we’ve come to the end of the road. I was hoping to revamp it. What with all the reboots around at the moment – Twin Peaks and Fuller House and what not, I figured the time had come to get the cast together once more. I think there’d be an audience for that but what with the changing demographic and the sexual assaulting I guess it looks like a tough deal.

Wait did you just say sexual assaulting?

I meant alleged. Alleged.

So what’s next?

Well, I’ve put out feelers. I’d like to appear in a film.

Who did you contact?

Woody Allen. And Roman Polanski.

Wait weren’t they both accused…?

And some of the younger talent. I’ve always wanted to work with Casey Affleck and Johnny Depp. I thought I might try my hand at punditry.

You mean on a News channel.

Yeah. I’ve got opinions. I’ve left I don’t know how many messages with Roger Ailes but he doesn’t seem to be returning my calls. How low can you go that even Roger Ailes doesn’t return your calls!?

Bill Cosby will be appearing in a new film with Bill O’Reilly. Click HERE to read more.

FIVE FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ALDEN EHRENREICH

HOLLYWOOD – Five Facts you never knew about the new Han Solo Alden Ehrenreich.

Everybody knows Alden Ehrenreich from… is going to be the new Han Solo, but what do we really know about him. We sent the Studio Exec FACT group to collect a bounty on his head from Jabba the FACT.

One. Alden Ehrenreich invented the typewriter.

Two. Although he brushes his teeth, Alden Ehrenreich refuses to floss, calling it ‘a con.’ The American Dental Association condemned the actor’s controversial flossing comments, saying he had gone ‘full-Carrey’.

Three. The young Ehrenreich has already impressed a series of hard-hitters in Hollywood, working for the Coen Brothers, as well as Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg and someone called Francis Ford Coppola.

Four. When Alden auditioned for the role of the young Han Solo  for directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller, he won their respect by turning up to the studio dressed in Lego.

Five. For his role in Hail Caesar, Alden learned Latin. Wrongly.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

MEL GIBSON AND WOODY ALLEN BRAWL IN PUBLIC

LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.

‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’

Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’

The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.

‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’

The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’

Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.

Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 1 AND 2

CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.

Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.

There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.

Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money.  By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.

Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.

TOM WAITS RULES HIMSELF OUT AS NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran singer/songwriter and actor Tom Waits has ruled himself out of the lead role in the new Batman to be directed by Woody Allen and to begin filming in early 2019.

The gravelly voiced graveyard crooner Tom Waits has been called in to take over from Ben Affleck after he removed himself from the role following dissappointing reviews of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Woody Allen is to take over writing and directing from Zack Snyder who apologized to fans for the mess he had made. ‘I screwed up,’ he told the Studio Exec.

Waits said that he was very flattered by Allen’s invitation but he felt he was ‘too old for the part’.

The bespectacled zany said that Waits had asked him ‘if he was high’ when Allen first approached him about the role. Waits has appeared in a number of films, including most recently Seven Psychopaths.

‘Batman is a very physical role, with lots of fighting and running and jumping and I don’t know if I have the energy for it any more,’ said Waits.

Woody Allen will now be calling on his next choice – Kenneth Brannagh – who is said to be ‘mad keen’ on the idea.

For more on the Woody Allen Batman read here.

5 CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE JEWISH

HOLLYWOOD – Film making and show business has had a long tradition of wonderful Jewish performers, but sometimes as a result of anti-Semitism or the short-sightedness of casting directors, some prefer to keep their ethnic identities under wraps.

Here are five celebrities who you might not have realized were actually Jewish.

Mel Gibson: Born in New York, Mel’s father was a man known to all as ‘the biggest Jew in New York’, but after founding a political party based on intense love of vegetables which led the notorious veggie-phobic New Yorkers to hunt him from his lower Manhattan brown stone and board a slow boat to Australia where Mel was brought up as an Aryan.

Gwyneth Paltrow: When she’s not bringing Robert Downey Jr coffee in Iron Man, Gwyneth Paltrow likes nothing more than to curl up with the Kabbala and a kosher vegan fruititarian power smoothie, unless it’s her cheat day in which case it’s fried dolphin sandwich sprinkled with chopped bacon and kittens’ noses.

John Wayne: The Duke was nothing if he wasn’t Jewish. In fact the reason he always made Westerns was that he liked to wear his kippah, (or yarmulke) under his cowboy hat.

Woody Allen: Talk about ‘hiding in plain sight’! Woody Allen has gone to great lengths to hide his Yiddish heritage by appearing in a series of films in which he plays a Jew but he has always publicly identified as a one of the Goyim. Not only did Allen change his name from Allan Stewart Konigsberg to Heywood “Woody” Allen after seeing Toy Story 2.

Jesus Christ: Possibly the most famous person in the world, Jesus began his life as a Jew and kind of ended it Jewish also. His lifework – to reform the Jewish religion – was rather misunderstood by his followers, who disregarded most of his teaching, preferring to invent an entirely new religion. Oops. Mel Gibson famously made a movie trying to fix the confusion, but succeeded only in making it worse.

For more FACTS click HERE.

SNEAK PEEK: MILEY CYRUS AND WOODY ALLEN COLLABORATION

NEW YORK – Miley Cyrus and Woody Allen’s new show has only just begun filming but we have managed to sneak a peek of a still from the show, tentatively titled When Woody Met Miley.

Miley Cyrus and Woody Allen came in to the Studio Exec brown stone to talk about their new project.

How did you first get involved with the project?

Miley Cyrus: I’ve worked in television for years and it has always been a medium I’m very comfortable with. My recording career is going well and I think the time has come to maybe go back and see what I can do. The time has come I think.

Woody Allen: I’m very excited. I mean I’ve always been a fan of Ms. Cyrus’ work since back when she was Hannah Montana. I mean I never missed an episode. As a matter of fact I would tape them and watch them over and over again. I think some of the tapes got worn out and I thought ‘Oh my God if I ever get a chance of working with this angel, I’d just leap at it’ and so when Amazon offered me a choice in casting I told them Miley Cyrus and oh, Elaine May.

What will the show be about?

Miley Cyrus: This is what I was so psyched about. I mean it’s no secret that the Hannah Montana image has been something of an albatross, as grateful as I am for the boost it gave my career at the start. I talked to Woody and I know he’s an artist and we can do something really original and different from that.

Woody Allen: I’ve already written the whole series. There are six half hour episodes and Miley is going to play Hannah Montana, a pop star who has become really famous, but she maintains her private life by taking on a different persona, that of Miley Stewart.

Miley: Woody, that’s the plot of Hannah Montana!

Woody: Yes you see I started writing it as a kind of fan fiction I suppose. My God, I’ve written reams of the stuff. Most of it involves Miley falling into swimming pools with her clothes on, or having a paint fight with her friends. And I play her boyfriend…

Miley: Whoa! What?

Woody: … and everyone is saying he’s too old for her. And it’s actually very funny. Though we do make some serious points about the age gap and the differences between generations. You remember Manhattan? It’s kind of like that but instead of Mariel Hemingway there’s Miley and food fights, and I come in and say ‘You’re having a pajama party!? At this hour!?’ And there’s lots of confusion. Larry David begged me to play the role and I said ‘I’m too old’ and he said I wasn’t so here I am.

When Woody Met Miley will be out on Amazon in the Summer.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FIRST POSTER FOR DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster and synopsis for Die Hard 6 hit the internets today and caused a massive explosion which we walked away from without looking back.

Die Hard 6 is fast becoming a reality with the first poster, a synopsis and a photo from a key scene all becoming available EXCLUSIVELY via the Studio Exec. Bruce Willis came round to the Studio Exec bungalow personally ‘to shoot the sh*t’, but Woody Allen had just left and so we talked Die Hard 6 instead.

What will the new film be called?

We wanted to go original with this one. We’ve had the tall building, we’ve had the airport and New York. We even had cyber-space and Russia, but what we didn’t have was a winsome romantic comedy that will melt your heart and that was when we decided on Cameron Crowe as a director and Die Hard: We Bought a Zoo was born.

Amazing title. What’s the story?

It’s simple John McClane is sick of the same old shit happening to him time and time again. He really is ‘too old for this sh*t’. So he buys a farm and settles down with his first wife and new brood of kids.

That sounds like a real departure from the Die Hard formula. What…

But an international gang of East German Dentists want to shoot some trophies and the last surviving rhinoceros in the world, is in the McClane zoo. John McClane has to strap on the vest and the gun and go out and make sure those that want to destroy the zoo he bought, buy the farm! That’s one of the slogans we’re working on.die hard 6

What’s the other?

He was zoo keeping for a living. Now, he’s zoo keeping for his life!

They’re both winners.

I know, right. Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the chief dentist and Penelope Cruz is a South American orthodontist who has a change of heart.

Die Hard: We Bought A Zoo will be released in 2017.

Images courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

WHY BRUCE WILLIS WAS FIRED FROM WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

NEW YORK – Woody Allen today revealed for the first time why Bruce Willis left his new movie, even though shooting had already begun with the actor.

When Bruce Willis left the new Woody Allen as yet untitled movie, rumors immediately began to fly as to the reason. The official explanation was that it was due to scheduling problems as Willis was due to appear on Broadway in an adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. However, Woody Allen popped in to the Studio Exec New York penthouse to dish the dirt.

So Woody, how come Bruce left the new picture?

Oh he isn’t funny. The man is not funny. I remember him being wonderful in Moonlighting, a real light touch but something must have happened and he just hasn’t got it anymore. I thought he was good in Moonrise Kingdom as well. So when I was directing him, I said “how come you’re not funny? And you were funny in Moonrise Kingdom and Moonlighting, so what is it?” and he told me that he was only funny if there was a moon in the title. So I decided right there and then to change the title of the movie from Blintzes Ahoy! to Moon, but then someone told me there was already a movie called that and then someone else, I think it was Alan Alda told me that I’d made a film recently called Magic in the Moonlight, so I changed the title back! And goodbye Bruce.

Jesus! How’d he take it?

He was angry but I got the feeling that he was relieved. Rumor is he doesn’t really like working that much anyway. Turned out that Sylvester Stallone had fired him from Expendables 3 and I think Bruce just isn’t that interested anymore.

Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are still in the cast however and filming continues.

The Twilight Blintzes Network will be released in 2016.