ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

PATTY JENKINS ARREST WARRANT ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.

Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One

With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.

Mob Mentality

Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.

A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

Blunder Woman

A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’

More On This Story As It Breaks

JAMES CAMERON CALLED SEXIST AFTER CLAIMING WONDER WOMAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE FEMINIST

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Titanic director, James Cameron received widespread criticism after claiming Wonder Woman should have been more feminist.

It’s an odd state of affairs. On the one hand, it looks like mansplaining on a Titanic scale, which has seen James Cameron thrown into an Abyss of opprobrium. But the actual comments he made seemed like a valid response. He stated in an interview with British newspaper The Guardian:

All of the self-congratulatory back-patting Hollywood’s been doing over Wonder Woman has been so misguided. She’s an objectified icon, and it’s just male Hollywood doing the same old thing! I’m not saying I didn’t like the movie but, to me, it’s a step backwards. Sarah Connor was not a beauty icon. She was strong, she was troubled, she was a terrible mother, and she earned the respect of the audience through pure grit.

As galling as it can be to have an older geezer telling a female director what she should have done with a female character, her response talks more about how the audience – specifically women – react to the character, rather than the depiction of the character herself. Here it is in full:

patty Jenkins

Audience react to it, so it must be good is an argument, but it isn’t necessarily a strong one. I loved Wonder Woman and I think it still had problems. Ultimately, there’s always going to be debate about objectification of female characters which often comes down to intention and literally point of view. The male gaze stuff isn’t as popular as it once was, as a theory. And here we should note that a Marvel comic book movie isn’t some auteur-led vision of the director alone.  So all this is just to say we shouldn’t shut down debate quite so quickly. We’re not Aliens, snapping about like Piranhas, waiting for some Judgement Day to come. We’re human beings try to work out how best to deal with each other via the Avatar of art.

James Cameron will release Avatar 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 subsequently.

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN – Diana Prince and Captain Kirk win the First World War.

I have to admit that over the years I’ve become heartily tired of Superhero Movies. And that hasn’t all been Zack Snyder’s fault. The DC Universe has stumbled out of the gate and Sony are all over the shop, but even the slick Marvel machine has ground me down with its monotonous mash ups. So 2017 surprised me well and truly. First there was the Unforgiven of X-Men movies: Logan from that weary franchise. And now Wonder Woman arrives with an thrilling lead performance by Gal Gadot, a thumping score and some slick storytelling by Patty Jenkins.

We start on the secret island home of the Amazonians where Joaquin’s sister from Gladiator rules and Claire Underwood trains the troops. Diane is a little girl, like many in the audience, aspiring to take part. Grown into a young warrior, her life gets a bit of trauma and a call to action when Captain Kirk arrives crashing into the sea in a stolen German bi-plane. After checking out his undercarriage, Diane gets the urge to join the war to end all wars and fulfil her role, killing the god of war whose machinations she sees behind the carnage.

She Crocodile Dundees it to London, but here her confusion and fish out of water-ness has a poignant political point. Diane’s innocence exposes the ludicrous and craven reality of Europe at the beginning of last century. It’s a point that bears repeating and which utterly justifies the period setting. The action sequences are genuinely stirring. But – like Logan – the true superpower is giving a shit about the characters on screen. Something Jenkins and her cast achieve brilliantly.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

WONDER WOMAN TO BE THE LAST EVER SUPERHERO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Wonder Woman is going to be the last ever superhero movie, it was announced today.

According to sources, Wonder Woman will be the last superhero movie ever made. Representatives from DC, Marvel and Sony met in a secret conclave earlier this week and decided they were bored of superhero movies as well. A spokesperson told the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go out on a high and this one is pretty good, so we decided, ‘Okay we’re done’.

But what about the other superhero films that have been made?

This is the wonder of everything being digital. We can just delete them. We don’t even have to bury them or destroy the negative, it’s just right button and delete. And it’s all good.

What made the studios decide to take this drastic action? After all you’re all making money.

Oh, money isn’t everything. We just got bored. I mean as executives we sit around and we’re adults and we’re reading these fucking comic books and having to pretend like we really give a shit. Plus we have really good directors and actors, talented folk and they’re getting sucked into this fricking superhero portal.

Gal Gadot said that the news was ‘typical’.

Wonder Woman is on release.

ALL MALE SHOWING OF DAS BOOT ORGANISED FOR THE WEEKEND

HOLLYWOOD – An all male viewing of the Wolfgang Petersen classic Das Boot will screen this weekend.

Internet furore of the all female screening of Wonder Woman finally brought about a reaction. A Los Angeles activist group Gamer Gaters For Justice have organised a screening of Das Boot, which will be open exclusively to men. With no women. Allowed. We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to MIcky ‘Quiche’ Lorraine the head organiser and asked him what the fuck?

It’s very simple. We decided two can play at that game. We don’t even want to go and see Wonder Woman because it’s about a powerful woman and that’s just bullshit. And a bit scary. But on principle, we as men should be allowed to go wherever we like and do whatever we want. Because we want to. So we decided on an All Male screening of Das Boot.

Why did you choose this particular film?

Well, first of all we wanted a film with either an exclusively male or mainly male cast. It turned out most films kinda fit that description. We thought of doing Man of Steel or Batman vs Superman but they’re both kind of shit. So we finally plumped for something that would align with our political principles.  We’re all Alt-Right-y. And so Das Boot was perfect.

But it’s about Nazis in a submarine.

Alt-floating boat is the preferred term.

Doesn’t this make you all look like a bunch of whiny snowflakes?

No, not at all. Girls are just getting too … you know pushy. Why can’t they just stop it with all the being feminists and shit. I mean my sister kicked my ass the other day. My sister. My twelve year old sister. Just cause I borrowed her Miley Cyrus DVD.

Das Boot will show at the Sausage Party Theatre on Friday.

WONDER WOMAN DISPATCHED TO ALEPPO

NEW YORK – Following the naming of Wonder Woman as a UN peace envoy, she has today been dispatched to Aleppo to see if she can bring peace to the war torn city.

The United Nations decision to name DC superhero Wonder Woman as a peace envoy was widely criticized last week. However, today Diana Prince left for the Syrian city in a desperate bid to bring peace and resolve conflict. Gal Gadot the latest actress to play the Amazonian demi-God had this to say:

This is not simply tokenism. And I think there are going to be some heads hanging in shame when they realize Wonder Woman means business. You’ll see what will happens when she gets there. However, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Assad out and Putin wanting to go back to the negotiating table.

Although controversial, the use of fictional superheroes is nothing new. During the early seventies, Iron Man bombed northern Cambodia and Captain America was active in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban a decade ago.

The new Wonder Woman movie will be released in 2017.

CHRIS PINE TO STAR IN ALL MALE WONDER WOMAN

HOLLYWOOD – He’s been Captain Kirk and, allegedly, Jack Ryanbut now Chris Pine faces the biggest challenge of his career: playing Wonder Woman in a new, all-male film version of the celebrated DC comic.

Chris Pine has been cast as Diana Prince in a new, all-male version of “Wonder Woman,” which will go head-to-head with Gal Gadot’s take on the character appearing in “Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice.”

We had an opportunity to talk to Chris Pine when he dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow, and he seemed really excited to have work:

I’ve been a huge fan of the comic book and of course the TV series starring Lynda Carter. We are looking to take this in a totally new direction and I’m pleased that we have a director of the stature of Pedro Almodovar, who has come in with the script as well.

Isn’t this a large risk for DC to take with such an iconic character?

Yes and no. I think there is a risk—it is useless to deny it—but if films aren’t about taking risks now and again then what are we even doing here? But I think also that the culture is ready to see the end of gender and a new fluidity to these characters. We have an all-female “Ghostbusters.” Thor will be a girl next time around. Caitlyn Jenner is, well, Caitlyn Jenner. So my Wonder Woman will very much play into that.

What about late reports suggesting that you are actually not playing Wonder Woman, but playing rather Steve Trevor in the Gal Gadot film?

Well, that’s obviously some piss-poor film parody site trying to get clicks by publishing the most outrageous nonsense it can think of. Come on, look at me. I can’t play a guy called Steve with my new breasts.

Wonder Woman starring Chris Pine will begin shooting in October.

ALL FEMALE WONDER WOMAN CAUSES FURY

HOLLYWOOD – The release of further pictures from the upcoming Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice confirmed that Wonder Woman will be played by a female actor: Gal Godot.

In photos released by Entertainment Weekly, the gender of the lead characters can be clearly seen, with Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) as a hippy, Superman (Henry Cavill) as a Christ like figure, Batman (Ben Affleck) looking like fatman, and Wonder Woman WEARING A DRESS.

The news came as a stunning revelation, following in the wake of the atrocities of GamerGate, the Vietnam of Reddit Revolt and some other third thing.

Top internet manist Herbert Frank had this to say:

First we have the all female Ghostbusters – which is just like raping my childhood – yes ‘raping’ it – and then we have the news that even Thor might be played by a ‘girl’. Then BANG! in the new Dawn of Justice picture Wonder Woman is actually being played by a woman, and to make matters worse a woman whose first name is Gal. As if she was just rubbing it into my man tears.

Zack Snyder responded to the controversy with unwarranted insouciance:

What? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s in the name. Wonder. Woman.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

WONDER WOMAN TO BE FEMALE

HOLLYWOOD – The internet exploded today with righteous anger and solemn fury, following the revelation that the new Wonder Woman would be female.

A DC Comics spokesperson told Studio Exec anonymously:

I don’t think that there should really be any controversy about this. In the comic books Wonder Woman is … well … a woman. And in previous incarnations she’s been a woman and in the new film she’ll be a woman. Even in the name Wonder Woman, one of the words is actually if you read it carefully ‘woman’.

However, such sophistry did not placate an internet already tumescent with bilious peek after the recent bombshell that Thor would be a woman in a forthcoming adventure. 

@Geeknutbag27 wrote:

Wonder Woman a woman?! PC BS. Next they’ll say Superman vs Batman gonna be totes gay! #LifeDestroyed

@JonahHill wrote:

I’m sorry for even thinking that Wonder Woman was not a good idea, even if I thought it for a millisecond it was deeply wrong. #Sorry

@Marvel wrote:

Wonder Woman? Erm. Okay.

Wonder Woman will be released in 2015.