MARTIN SCORSESE SELLS DICAPRIO WHISTLE

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese is to sell his special Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction later this week.

Shutter Island and Wolf of Wall Street director Martin Scorsese is to sell the magical Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction.ss57_specialty_whistle

Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, earlier this week, the Color of Money director and wearer of the best eyebrows in New York had this to say:

The magic Leonardo diCaprio whistle was forged in the fires of a volcano and when blown can only be heard by Leo. Whatever he is doing he must drop and immediately come at the magical summons. I first used it to get him to come to the casting of Gangs of New York and then after that, whenever I wanted to put him in another film I’d just take the whistle out and blow as hard as I could. Admittedly it took him a while to respond when I wanted him to do the Aviator. But ultimately it doesn’t matter what he wants. The whistle commands.

So why give it up?

I’ve used it a good few times and the magic begins to wear off if you abuse it.

It is understood that the bidders will include Ridley Scott, Steven Soderbergh, Goldie Hawn and David Fincher as well as former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.

The auction will take place at Christies New York.

SYRIAN REFUGEES CELEBRATE LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S OSCAR WIN

GREECE – Syrian refugees have joined together and celebrated Leonardo diCaprio’s best actor win at last night’s Oscars, saying that it was long over due.

They haven’t had much to celebrate since fleeing the civil war in Syria but today all that was briefly forgotten as refugees organised impromptu parties to celebrate Leonardo diCaprio’s Oscar win at the Academy Awards last night.

A spokesperson for the Syrian refugees talked to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have suffered hardship beyond belief. Many of us have seen our homes destroyed, our families torn apart. We have crossed winter seas and we have risked everything only to arrive in a Europe which is turning against us. However, all of that is put in perspective when we consider that Leo diCaprio had to wait all this time until he was 41 before getting his hands on the Oscar. There were some among the refugees who believe that The Revenant wasn’t even that great a movie and that Leo should have won for The Wolf of Wall Street. I loved Shutter Island personally, but all the same. This makes everything right.

Isis have since issued a statement saying they wanted Eddie Redmayne to win, thus proving that they are once more beyond the pale.

Tomorrow these people will once more face an uncertain future, but tonight they are united in celebrating for a cause that is bigger than all their problems put together.

KYLE CHANDLER SAYS NO TO FRIENDS REUNION

NEW YORK – Actor Kyle Chandler today gave an unambiguous no to the idea of a Friends reunion, making it now highly unlikely.

‘I’ll be there for you’ sang the famous theme tune to the hit 90s sitcom Friends, but star Kyle Chandler today announced that he would not be joining a reunion of those Friends any time soon. Chandler, who has been racking up an impressive CV with roles in The Wolf of Wall Street, Carol and the TV show Bloodline, was speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the Studio Exec New York penthouse offices/Denny’s in Manhattan.

Are you going to take part in the Friends reunion?

Friends? Are they having a reunion? Wow. But no, I don’t think I’d be involved. I mean, no one has even said anything. I haven’t heard anything from my agent so, I guess no would be the answer. What a strange question though!

But it won’t be the same without you. 

I’m flattered you should think so but I was never in Friends. I did do a lot of TV in the 90s, but alas never friends. I wish. You know those guys got paid pretty coin.

So this torpedoes the Friends reunion. How will Joey and Doug get along without Chandler?

Oh, wait. I think you’re confused. Chandler Bing was the character. My name’s Kyle Chandler. But ha! No relation.

The rest of the cast reacted with dismay, especially Matthew Perry who said that Chandler’s refusal was a ‘deal breaker’ and Courtney Cox openly wept on learning the news.

‘What am I going to do now?’ she said.

Kyle Chandler will not be seen in Friends in 2016.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO PLAY EDDIE REDMAYNE

HOLLYWOOD – News came in today that Leonardo diCaprio is to play Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic of the “Danish Girl” and “Theory of Everything” actor’s life.

It is believed that in a desperate bid to win an Oscar Leonardo DiCaprio is to play fellow actor Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic called simply “Eddie”. The new film that has been written by Mr. DiCaprio will concentrate specifically on Redmayne’s preparation for the role of Stephen Hawking, the astrophysicist who became world famous following the publication of his best-selling book A Brief History of Time.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

Leo is really hot keen on this property. Though like all actors he has occasionally added a line here or there, this is the first film he has actually written from beginning to end. The script is great. He uses the preparation of the role of Stephen Hawking as a framing device and then goes back through Eddie’s upbringing and early career. We see the actor becoming the Oscar worthy legend that he is today. The making of Jupiter Ascending also will be featured as light relief.

Eddie Redmayne first shot to fame with his portrayal of Marilyn Monroe in “My Week with Marilyn” and has also starred in “Les Miserables”, during which he tried to sing. Although his Oscar win came a year after Leonardo DiCaprio failed to win for “The Wolf of Wall Street”, DiCaprio has changed the timeline in the script so that the two go head to head. The Aviator (as he prefers to be known) telephoned the Studio Exec late last night to explain his thinking:

You see what it is is this. I want an Oscar. Goddamn it, I want one. I know, I know it’s only a trinket, but it’s a trinket I don’t have and I want. Redmayne got one by playing Stephen Hawking. So I figure if I play Redmayne playing Stephen Hawking, so in other words doing twice the acting, then legally the Academy have to give me the Oscar. And even if they don’t the final scene of this film is going to be me receiving an Oscar. I’m also going to play me sitting in the audience grimacing. It’s a bit meta but I like the idea.

Eddie will be released in December.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO BUYS PACIFIC OCEAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Pacific Ocean and will be using it exclusively for his own filthy pleasures. 

The news came at the launch of the new Leonardo DiCaprio Ocean Foundation, an event organised in collaboration with the US State Department and featuring Secretary of State John Kerry. The Gangs of New York star said that the only way to protect the Ocean was for him to buy it and keep it for himself:

I’ve always been a profound lover of the oceans and particularly the Pacific. So now I’ve bought it, everyone has twenty four hours to get out of it. Cruise ships won’t be allowed to cross it, nor sailing boats, container ships or trawlers. Oil tankers are right out. Surfers can all f*ck off as well. Not that they’re a major environmental hazard so much as they’re just really irritating assholes.

The Titanic actor added:

I’ve bought some satellites which will be monitoring my ocean and if I catch anyone swimming or even paddling, they’ll be zapped by my Clooney guns.

Most environmental groups have praised DiCaprio but there has also been criticism. Belfourt Scutz of Green Eye said that the seven million dollars which the actor had paid for the Ocean was ‘small change’:

What you have to understand is the Oceans are connected. There’s simply no point buying the Pacific Ocean if you’re not going to buy the Indian Ocean, the Arctic and the Atlantic as well.

Some civil rights groups also protested but even they admitted that DiCaprio should have won the Oscar for Wolf of Wall Street and not that asshole McConaughey. Asked what he intended to do with his new Ocean, DiCaprio amazed reporters by telling them:

I’ll swim out as far as I can and then I’ll take a long whizz. 

The Revenant will be released in 2015. 

JUSTIN BIEBER AND JONAH HILL APOLOGY OFF

  HOLLYWOOD – Let the ‘nothing I can say excuses what I did’ excusing commence!

In the blue corner, weighing in at 54 pounds, two inches – everyone’s favorite nice boy gone bad until Miley Cyrus cut her hair and now we’re all confused but anyway: he’s Canadian! Justin Bieber!
And in the red corner, weighing in at NO! I’m not going there, Jump Street 22 star and Wolf of Wall Street Oscar nominee, he’s not Canadian! At least, I don’t think… no he definitely isn’t. Jonah Hill!
And Justin is out first ducking and weaving throwing a few mild complaints about the pressure of celebrity. But here’s Jonah, some of his best friends are Gay! In fact he’s going to a Gay wedding tomorrow, of his best friend, who is totally cool, and that’s cool!
But Justin’s back. He was only eighteen when he made the comments: they’re hurtful, he says. He expresses remorse.
BUT MY GOD WHAT’S THIS?
Jonah’s Kimmeling him to the ground. Claiming that no one should forgive him and should use him as an example for what not to do or be when someone responds to you with hate because there’s too much hate in the world, why (for the love of Pete!) can’t we just get along, black and white, gay and straight, Hos and Bitches?
Oh no. No, I think he got away with that.
Bieber is trying to claim his joke was more about racism than racist itself but it’s no good, Hill is running circles around him, he’s on Howard Stern, he’s gone viral. His voice is cracking. 

It’s CRACKING! It’s all over. 


Bieber’s deported and Hill is King of the Sorrys!

URGENT APPEAL: LEONARDO DICAPRIO RELIEF FUND


Tonight, while you sit in the comfort of your homes with your families; 

Tonight, while you eat dinner in the warmth of affectionate laughter; 
And later tonight, while you sleep in your beds, safe and sound; 
Please remember:

Leonardo di Caprio is not happy.


Just a small monthly offer can help keep Leo in Brazilian supermodels and high grade pharmaceutical product. 

Please give generously to The Leonardo di Caprio Relief Fund

SCORSESE TITLE REVIEW

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese’s new film The Wolf of Wall Street has caused huge controversy partly for it’s use of the phrase ‘cerebral palsy’, partly for its explicit scenes of sex and drug use, but mostly because the film does not feature ‘an actual wolf’.

‘I went to see a film about a wolf, possibly killing people in the financial capital of our country, perhaps not, but a wolf,’ said theater-goer Blan Haverstock. ‘And what do I get? Some bullshit about Leo DiCarpio.’

The New Yorker review of the movie had as its headline ‘Crying Wolf?’

However, Scorsese defended himself from his critics:

Usually, I am scrupulous with my titles, making sure they advertise exactly what happens in the movie. But sometimes I use a slightly more oblique approach. So no, there isn’t a wolf in Wall Street. Not as in the actual animal. It’s a metaphor or an analogy, or a simile. It’s one of those.

To help the confused here is a brief guide to the veracity of Martin Scorsese’s movie titles.

  • Mean Streets:  The streets are quite mean. 

Veracity score 8/10

  • Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More: Alice does move but where is here? 

Veracity score 7/10

  • Taxi Driver: It is about a taxi driver.

Veracity score 10/10

  • Raging Bull: There’s no bull, just a boxer 

Veracity score 2/10

  • The King of Comedy: He isn’t funny 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Goodfellas: They’re actually Bad Fellas 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Casino: It is set in a Casino 

Veracity score 10/10

  • Kundun: Haven’t got a clue 

Veracity score ?/10

  • The Aviator: Partially true, he’s also a  nut plank 

Veracity score 4/10

  • The Departed: No one leaves for anywhere 

Veracity score 3/10

  • Shutter Island: Set on Shutter Island 

Veracity score 10/10

  • The Wolf of Wall Street: No wolf confirmed (though there is a monkey) but no wolf

Veracity score 2/10. 

 
The Wolf of Wall Street is in Theaters. 

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET: REVIEW

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET: REVIEW – Jay Gatsby hangs out with that fat f*ck from Superbad and show what it’d be like if Hunter S. Thompson had been a c*cksucker of a millionaire stockbroker. The ensuing mayhem makes for one of the most f*cked up and entertaining 3 hour epics about financial misdealings since … well f*cking ever. 

After American Hustle and David O. Russell doing a Scorsese, it’s like Scorsese has gone ‘Oh Yeah? Really!? This is Scorsese motherf*cker!’ Telling the true story of Jordan Belfort and written by Mad Men creator Terrence Winter, The Wolf of Wall Street stands beside Scorsese’s earlier gangland dramas as the white collar crime end of a trilogy. If Goodfellas and Casino have darker tones, this latest chapter shows the criminal American Dream tragedy playing out as a hilarious hopeless farce. 

Leonardo DiCaprio lets rip – channeling a young Jack Nicholson – in a performance of Gargantuan proportions, and for once the Rabelaisian adjective is truly fitting. This is dark excess fueled satire and DiCaprio’s first person narrator is a fitting companion to Henry Hill, with shades of Alex deLarge and Patrick Bateman to boot. Scorsese/Winter/DiCaprio are careful never to temper the material nor moralize to the audience. This has led stupidly to claims the film is immoral. F*ck no. Belfort is selling us his story all the way through the film and the fact he’s so good at it is essential to us understanding how dangerous he is and how complicit we are as a society.  

Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie, Kyle Chandler and Matthew McConaughey are all fantastic and Rob Reiner robs blind ever scene he’s in as Jordan’s temperamental father (compare and contrast with sanctimonious Martin Sheen in Wall Street). The music is spot on and Scorsese keeps the story moving at his frenetic best, but be warned, this is a pitiless portrait of cynicism taken on his own terms. If you don’t have your wits about you, he’ll sell you the dream and take you for everything you’ve f*cking got.

JONAH HILL TELLS CRITICS TO F*CK OFF

HOLLYWOOD – At a special Studio Exec brunch, Jonah Hill the superstar of Get Him to the Greek and (more recently) The Wolf of Wall Street, gave a spirited defense of the new Martin Scorsese film, telling critics that they can ‘just f*ck off’.

The Superbad star went on to say:

I understand that people watch this film and see two handsome movie stars, me and Leo di Caprio, indulging in bad behavior and they make the leap that we are endorsing that behavior or encouraging people to imitate us. But people who say that can just lick my b*ll s*ck clean, because I’m sick of you sanctimonious assholes taking a dump on our movie when the media was partly complicit in covering up the excess that we belatedly uncover. 

Jonah Hill then left the brunch stopping only briefly to eat an omelette with peppers and a couple of bruschettas. Representatives of the star were keen to point out that the Moneyball actor did not walk out but had to go cross town where Variety were holding another brunch and where Mr. Hill gave a watered down version of what he had previously told the shocked Studio Exec crowd, who numbered in the sevens.

The James Cameron helmed sequel The Wolves of Wall Streets is due to be released in 2015.