HOLLYWOOD – William Shatner signs on to direct Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan 2.
William Shatner is going to direct a sequel to his 1982 hit The Wrath of Khan. He spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:
The first film was such a blast and everyone enjoyed it. I thought let’s do it again. These characters interest me. Captain Kirk interests me. I want to explore him. I want to see what happens next. And did Khan really die? I know Riccardo Montalban will be keen. I’ve called him a few times, but you know Riccardo. Always out and about.
How will the film fit in with the rest of the Star Trek universe?
I don’t understand the question.
Well, the different TV series, the JJ Abrams films.
I. Am. Not. familiar with. Those works.
What about the other films you did?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Star Trek The Wrath of Khan 2 will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Star Trek Beyond, the Studio Exec FACT Squad has hit warp speed five and teleported to the planet’s surface dressed in red shirts.
To Boldly Go FACT CHECK where no man has gone before! The Studio Exec FACT Squad searches for the Tribbles of Truth.
1. Star Trek was created in 1964 by Gene Roddenberry who wrote a treatment for NBC executives, describing it as ‘similar to Star Wars, but about twelve years before Star Wars will be made.’ Understandably, no one knew what Gene was smoking but the show got green-lit anyway. JJ Abrams ironically used exactly the same pitch when he went for the job of directing the reboot in 2009.
2. Star Trek was one of the first multiracial casts on network television. With Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans and Humans frequently sharing the same screen. Previously each race had been given their own separate shows such as The Krazy Klingons Laugh In and Honey, Where’s My Pon Farr?
3. Everyone in Star Fleet is issued with a light sabre, but no one uses it, because they forget it’s there.
4. Originally Captain Kirk was played by Leonard Nimoy, but Roddenberry agreed for Nimoy and Canadian scuba diver William Shatner to swap roles when Nimoy had to go to the dentist to have caps fitted. Fortunately, Nimoy’s pointy ears were to become a trade mark part of his character Mr. Spock. Later Nimoy exploited his Star Trek fame to write a book about child rearing which was hugely influential, instructing parents to leave their children with wolves ‘as often as is humanly possible.’
5. The actual spaceship in Star Trek – the USS Enterprise – is actually a model and is unable fly in space or achieve warp drive. It is so small that not even one person could fit in it, let alone a crew of hundreds. It’s shit. It really is. Very disappointing.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Trek Beyond director insists that Tribbles are gay.
Following the announcement that Sulu is gay, Justin Lin, the director of Star Trek Beyond, has revealed that another Star Trek favorite, the Tribbles, are also gay.
It’s one of those things that we talked about from the very beginning. Let’s open up about the sexuality of all the elements of the Star Trek universe. Sulu seemed obviously gay to us, Scotty is bi-sexual, Kirk is definitely Bi. I mean he’s basically pan-sexual. And of course the Tribbles are very gay.
George Takei once more responded negatively to the news:
I’m the only gay in the village.
Simon Pegg and William Shatner however welcomed the news as a positive development. Shatner told the Studio Exec:
I love what they’re doing with the universe. They’re bringing it up to date in a way that is admirable. After all the future can’t be more old fashioned than the present. Chris Pine for instance looks old fashioned to me. I like the kid, but he isn’t ‘with it’ as the kids say. Maybe it’s be better if TJ Hooker took over. I don’t know. It’s not my place to say.
Simon Pegg told the Studio Exec that Tribbles were a perfect example of LGBT rights.
They’re in a single sex relationship but they have complete equality, including reproduction rights.
Star Trek Beyond is in theaters.
NEW YORK – Host of Inside the Actors Studio James Lipton admitted today that he has never seen a film in his life and often doesn’t know the name of the person he is interviewing.
James Lipton is famous for his erudite and in depth interviews with world famous actors, which seek to get away from the celebrity nonsense and go deep into an exploration of the craft of acting. However, in a drunken conversation with the Studio Exec last night James Lipton came clean that he actually has never seen a film in his life:
I don’t own a television. I go to the opera and I like going to the theater, but no, television no and I’ve never been to the cinema. If I’m in a bar or a restaurant and there’s a television, I go some place else unless they’re showing the game. I despise the cathode tube and the tyranny of the gaudy, but we run an actors studio and so I suppose that we must have other actors who have some exposure in order to heighten our profile.
So how do you prepare for interviews?
I don’t. I have a team of researchers and they do everything and I read all the questions off little cards they give me. It was very embarrassing once when we had Randy Quaid on and I read him all of Sylvester Stallone’s questions! Ha! I even called him the wrong name. But no one seemed to mind. I cultivate a reputation for eccentricity. I just fix my smile and nod. If you watch the program closely you can see I’m grinning but there is a fear in my eyes.
But you are a noted…?
Yes, well. It’s easy after all to fake it when you get used to it. All you have to do is say that everyone is wonderful and from what I’ve heard not seeing the films is actually an advantage when I have to interview someone like, oh I don’t know, Matt Damon.
And the Inside the Actors Studio Motion Picture?
Yes, that is going ahead. I have finished the script and it involves me and William Shatner. We live together in a bachelor pad and have a pet monkey called Simon.
Simon is great and Bill Shatner provides comic relief.
Inside the Actors Studio: The Motion Picture will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Rumors are circulating today that Leonard Nimoy, the veteran Star Trek actor who passed away earlier this year, may in fact still be alive.
Star Trek enthusiast Artie Pupkin speculates that Leonard Nimoy may still be alive, arguing that Nimoy’s casket was shot onto the planet of Genesis, following the detonation of a new ‘terra-forming’ device:
Nimoy wished that his funeral exactly resemble the plot to “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock,” the first film of the franchise that Nimoy himself directed. Now it is becoming apparent that perhaps this was a bid for immortality, as he knew full well that the terra-forming device might have an effect on his own body.
Shocking evidence for the theory came with the publication of a photo that seems to show Leonard Nimoy’s coffin in some kind of extraterrestrial grove. Others have angrily denied this is the case. William Shatner told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
This is. Impossible. People. Need. To know the difference between fiction. And reality.
But Pupkin is adamant in his ambivalence:
I’m not saying this is true or untrue—what I’m saying is there are two things we need to be aware of. If Zachary Quinto starts to behave really weirdly then there’s a strong likelihood he possesses Nimoy’s katra, or memory spirit, and he should be taken to hospital and/or the planet Genesis, preferably by his own crew, Pegg, Pine, et cetera, gone renegade. The other thing is this: pay attention to the killer whales at SeaWorld. That’s a longer-term thing but we should keep our eyes on them.
“Star Trek: Into Tribbles” will be released in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – It is the news ever Trekker/Trekkie has been waiting for: William Shatner will take over from Chris Pine in Star Trek Beyond.
Rumors had been circulating about Star Trek Beyond casting problems for months with a source close to the production claiming that William Shatner had been spending a lot of time on set, ostensibly helping Chris Pine.
Subbing on directing duties from J.J. Abrams who made both Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness, Roberto Orci was quick to defend the decision:
Chris has done a wonderful job for us with the first two films, but basically everyone was missing that old Shatner magic so I ‘beamed him up’. Ha ha! Well, I telephoned him and offered him the gig. Initially it was going to be a cameo. A time travel kind of thing with Chris and Bill meeting up and having a discussion about life and it was a really touching moment on the script. People warned me that Shatner was an egotistical maniac but he was the sweetest guy. In the first meeting he was so concerned that Chris would be overworked he insisted that he take on the whole part himself and so we rewrote the script to fulfill that vision. Chris was so happy, he was in tears.
Orci was also forthcoming about some plot elements.
Yes, there will be Tribbles.
Meanwhile, Chris Pine is eyeing his post-Trek future.
He told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Oh, I have a lot of options. I mean Kirk was a great opportunity for a young actor like me, but I’ve got the Jack Ryan franchise which if anything is bigger than Star Trek and I have the sequel to This Means War, which everyone has been clamoring for me to do. And I have… Oh God. Oh God no. [Sobs uncontrollably]. WHY? WHY!!!??
Star Trek Beyond: The Trouble with Tribbles will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pine deeply regrets not getting Jack Ryan’s latest iteration in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit right, but what else does Chris Pine deeply regret.
Chris Pine deeply regrets…
telling Steven Spielberg what he really thought of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
investing his savings in flatulenthousewives.com
starring in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit by the director of Thor, Kenneth Branagh
what he did to your mother’s first cousin when he was drunk on mescal last April
going to the cinema with Pee Wee Herman
that he had a surname which was low hanging fruit for film critics reaching for a pun to describe his acting skills
being in Star Trek: Into the Darkness and not Star Wars: The Force Awakens
eating the mushroom and chives omelette with a side salad when he wanted a steak and fries
meeting William Shatner, getting drunk with William Shatner, getting that tattoo with William Shatner, of William Shatner
asking Meryl Streep if a dingo had really eaten her baby
buying a gym membership that he never intends to use
taking a sneaky leak in in William Friedkin’s Jacuzzi and then realizing there was some kind of dye that was activated by urine
This Means War
This Means War
This Means War
This Means War
HOLLYWOOD – A documentary released this month will reveal that internet guru and marriage equality advocate George Takei earned money when he was younger by appearing in a television program called ‘Star Trek’.
The revelations from the film ‘To Be Takei’ came as a shock to his millions of fans who know the Radio and Web celebrity as a witty and uplifting presence via Facebook and Twitter. But Takei was quick to defend himself, telling the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I was very young and I needed the money. I wanted to do straight drama. Of course, I did. Who didn’t? But when my agent told me that they were casting for the series ‘Star Trek’ I think it was called, I decided to go for it. Even the producers didn’t think it would run for more than one season and would quickly fade into obscurity. But apparently, probably via YouTube, these documentary film makers have managed to fish up some old episodes to embarrass me.
Takei is not the only celebrity to be caught out. Sixties pop stars William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy also made appearances in the show which followed the adventures of the crew of the USS Interpretation (or something) as they explored a hastily redressed studio or the desert near Los Angeles every week.
Takei says that he has no plans to watch the episodes:
The door is closed on that part of my life and I haven’t honestly even thought about it these past forty years or more.
To Be Takei will be released in 2014.
HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic turn of events, William Shatner has taken over from Chris Pine in the forthcoming big screen JJJ Abrams’ extravaganza Star Trek into Darkness.
The replacement came when the new Captain Kirk hurt his hand when he accidentally opened his trailer door and cut his palm and several fingers on some fish hooks that had been accidentally glued (no one knows why) to the handle.
I think perhaps Chris was a bit dazzled by all the torches I’d been shining into his fact, but luckily Bill was on hand to take over. Oh, wait…On hand! You see what I did there? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! On hand! Genius.
Shatner explained he was only too happy to be of help:
We’ll CGI my head on to some of the scenes, but otherwise it’ll be the 100% Canadian bacon that is William Shatner. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and wash my hands. Has anyone got any turpentine?
Star Trek into Darkness will now be released much later, probably two or three years or something.
HOLLYWOOD – News about the latest in the Star Trek franchise as Star Trek 2 gets a new title and synopsis.
‘First of all we’re not calling it Star Trek 2,’ said Abrams, throwing back a bottle of Cointreau. ‘It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness with Tribbles.’Fans have waited with baited breath for the follow up to J.J.J. Abrams’ wonderful 2009 Star Trek reboot, but only Studio Exec can reveal plot details after obtaining an exclusive interview with the vivacious bespectacled Super (8) geek himself.
Tribbles! That’s the best news since the test results came back!
‘We wanted a really iconic villain,’ says Abrams. ‘We have a great actor in Benedict Cumberbund…’
‘Cumberbatch,’ I interject.
‘Yeah. Whatever. And we thought lets bring back the tribbles. So we use motion capture and he plays them all basically. You should see him rolling around on the floor covered in balls. What an ass!’
The Tribbles news will send lashings of orgasmic fluid from Trekkies everywhere, drenching passers by. The small furry aliens featured in a much loved episode of the original series first broadcast in December, 1969. William Shatner’s Kirk was bemused by the little beasts, that threatened the safety of the Enterprise by basically reproducing too much. The goatish Kirk couldn’t help a smirk of frank admiration.
By now Adams was wringing the empty bottle of Cointreau to get out the last drops.
‘We thought what worked most about the first one was the humor and the Tribbles are really funny. I mean come on, look at them,’ Abrams points at the dailies and we have a moment of forced laughter. Abrams finds another bottle of Cointreau and bites through the glass of the bottle to get through to the orangey liqueur ‘Of course Zachery’s gone off and made Margin Call so he’s like all I worked with Kevin Spacey, I’m not working with Tribbles, so I’m like the fuck you aren’t. Anyway we’ve got Simon Pegg and he’ll do anything for geek juice.’
What about Chris Pine?
‘After This Means War he’s lucky I let him anywhere near a film set.’
Star Trek Into Darkness With Tribbles is due for release in 2013.
HOLLYWOOD – The eagerly awaited film version of T. J. Hooker has been green lit, with William Shatner attached to reprise the role of the plain clothes policeman who, on the death of his partner, returns to the beat as a uniformed sergeant.
The 83 year old Canadian actor – who came to fame playing Captain James T. Kirk in the space opera Star Trek – played Thomas Jefferson Hooker for a total of five seasons and some fans – who prefers to be called T.J. Prostitutes – rate his performance as Hooker as superior to his more famous role as the Master and Commander of the USS Enterprise.
‘Captain Kirk is Bill’s Hamlet,’ says Joy Saklbert. ‘T.J. is his King Lear.’
|A scene from the film
Concerns have been expressed that the role of Hooker might be too athletic for the elderly actor, but director Gaspar Noè argues this is not the case. ‘The opening sequence where we see Hooker running full pelt toward the camera,’ he says. ‘We do that but Shatner will be on a Segue. In fact, he’ll be on a Segue for pretty much the whole film except when he has to go up the stairs and then he’ll be on a stair lift.’
T.J. Hooker: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.