WILLEM DAFOE’S MASSIVE COCK

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can reveal that Willem Dafoe’s massive cock has caused problems on many of his movie sets. We spoke to several film makers and co-stars to really get our teeth into the actor’s massive manhood.

Willem Dafoe’s Massive Cock Exclusive

For years rumor after rumor has spread through Hollywood offices and corridors about the size of Dafoe’s chap. Production budgets have soared with strange costs attributed to ‘additional costumes’ or ‘gusset repairs’. The Exec has spoken with many of tinsel town’s top names to get to the root of the story.

Martin Scorsese

When we were filming The Last Temptation Of Christ, we had to stop shooting the crucifixion scene because it popped out. We nearly had to rename the film ‘The Last Temptation Of CHRIST, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!’ Luckily, a brave member (pardon the pun) of our costume crew pushed the thing back out of sight.

Sam Raimi

While shooting the first Spiderman movie, the plan was to have Willem in a spandex Green Goblin costume. The resultant protuberance when in costume was gonna be a real distraction. It would send more than your Spidey-sense a tinglin’, believe me. Back then the cgi wasn’t good enough to just paint the thing green and fix it in post-production. So we went with the exo-skeletal costume you see in the movie. Just so we could hide his massive cock. For the sequel, we nearly went with Revenge Of The Green Goblin with the tagline, ‘If you try Gobblin’ this, you’ll also turn green.’ But marketing shut that one down, pretty quick. Those people have no sense of humor.

John Malkovich

When we were filming Shadow Of The Vampire, it wasn’t the shadow of his talons that drew the eye. But as soon we saw the shadow of his super-sized schlong, we all held our arms over our eyes like Nosferatu when he sees the sunrise. Horrific.

Norman Reedus

I’ll never forget the shoot for The Boondock Saints. There was a scene where Willem dresses in drag to infiltrate the villain’s hideout. He had to tape up his boy bits to his leg, so he could wear pantyhose. It was a low budget shoot, so it was all hands to his pump. Took four of us an hour and a half to wrestle that thing into submission. I’m in The Walking Dead, and that was most frightened I’ve ever been. I’ve seen things, man. Real bad things.

Willem Dafoe Is Currently Appearing In The Northman

ROBERT PATTINSON AND WILLEM DAFOE TO PRESENT LOCKDOWN VERSION OF THE LIGHTHOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe will recreate their hit film The Lighthouse.

The Lighthouse stars Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe plan to recreate their latest film via Zoom. Pattinson told the Exec:

It’ll be our contribution to making things okay. After all this is a film about isolation and boredom. It chimes perfectly with the Coronavirus. Plus the new version will give us the chance to correct a couple of mistakes in our performances.

Mistakes?

Well, little things you might not even have noticed but which drive an actor nuts.

What like?

Willem Dafoe smoked his pipe upside down. That was a gaffe. It wouldn’t be so bad, but they then used that picture for the poster. I mean… embarrassing!

Oh!

It really gets my goat.

Robert Eggers says he won’t be involved. Why?

He said it’s silly. The pipe is the right way round he said.

Aside from the pipe will there be any other changes?

Another advantage is I don’t have to smell Willem’s farts. I mean he’s a method actor, so when he farted he really farted. And the set was hot with the lights so that stuff really began to stink after a while.

The Lighthouse streams live on YouTube tonight.

 

THE MAKING OF PLATOON

HOLLYWOOD – In our new series ‘The Making of…’ we go behind the scenes, using previously unseen letters, diaries and documents, of a major motion picture landmark of cinema. This week Platoon.

The Idea.

The original idea for Platoon came to Oliver Stone when he was a schoolboy in 1956. He writes in his unpublished autobiography A Stone’s Throw:

I was a dreamy kid. I’d look out of the windows and wonder about movies I’d like to make. I don’t know if it was seeing something on television but I really wanted to make a film about a young marine who goes to a South East Asian country and becomes torn between two rival Sergeants. Of course Vietnam wasn’t going to get going for some years, but when it did I knew that this was the perfect opportunity for me to research the script that I still intended to write and so that’s what I did.

Casting.

Martin Sheen was originally approached to play the role of Chris Taylor but after several years had passed with Stone unable to secure financing Sheen pulled out. This is the letter he wrote to Oliver Stone:

Hey Ollie,

I’m sorry it has to end this way but I simply can no longer commit to the role of ‘Chris’ in your film, Platoon. I’m getting too old for the role and as written it resembles too closely my part in Apocalypse Now. I feel guilty about leaving you high and dry so I have a suggestion to make and I hope you will take it in good spirit. I have a son who is a very accomplished actor and physically resembles me in some way. I wouldn’t want to be accused of nepotism so I’d insist you audition him properly, but it might be a solution for you. I’ve included Emilio’s address should you want to go with that.

Production.

The filming took place in the Philippines which was then under the rule of the dictator Marcos. Condition were tough and Tom Berenger, who played Sergeant Bob Barnes complained of Oliver Stone’s commitment to realism in this letter to his girlfriend Lisa Williams:

Ollie is one tough son of a bitch. He sent us through basic training so that we would move like soldiers and achieve a basic sense of realism, but now we’re doing the fight scenes, we’re beginning to worry. He wants to use live ammo! He says squibs always look fake. I have to shoot Willem [Dafoe] and goddamn it, if he doesn’t actually want me to shoot him! When I questioned him, he yelled at me to ‘respect his process’ as he reloaded my MK 47. What could I do? I’m not going back to the soaps! I aimed to miss vital organs, but give Ollie his due, the dailies look great and we’re all very happy. Willem has been flown back to the states for surgery. Apparently the bullet is lodged in there quite tightly.

Post-Production.

Music would play a fundamental role in the success of the film and Stone commissioned Georges Delerue to score the picture. However, the composer of such iconic French films as Jules et Jim and Le Mepris would run into difficulty with his American director. He wrote to Francois Truffaut:

These Americans! Sacre Bleu! as we French say all the time. The emotional core of the film is when the Sergeant is shot but reappears chased by the enemy and dies in a Christ-like pose. M. Stone told me to write something like Samuel Barber’s Adagio. It’s a saccharine piece of twaddle but what am I going to do. I try my best but every time I play him my work, he says ‘no! I want it like the Barber piece’. Finally I told him to just use the Barber piece and that’s exactly what he ended did. I should have stayed in Paris, but now at least I’ve got the job of doing the music to Three Men and a Baby.

Platoon was released in 1986.

WILLEM DAFOE’S NEW BAT DIET CAUSES OUTRAGE

HOLLYWOOD – The Florida Project and Last Temptation of Christ star Willem Dafoe is in hot water because of a radical new diet book that is centered on eating bats.

Radical celebrity diets are nothing new. From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Dust and Despair Diet to Jeff Goldblum’s 12-Day Arsenic Plan, but Willem Dafoe’s new diet book is causing quite the stir. Bat to Basics was written by Dafoe and nutritionist Selma Kayak and is packed cover to cover with recipes for flying rodents.

Selma came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to explain what the hell was going on:

When Willem first came to me it was the early 80s and he was working on To Live and Die in LA. We only had tree weeks until the shoot began and he was morbidly obese. I immediately suggested the rat diet which I originally discovered in Vietnam. However, Willem wanted something spicier. The bat diet was perfect. Not only are bats high in protein, they also contain all sorts of diseases which can function as naturally manifesting enemas.

Yikes!

Plus as part of the diet, Willem would catch the bats himself, which involved a lot of jumping around at twilight trying to grab hold of the little shits as they swooped past his porch light. He’s Canadian so he was very good at this.

But aren’t bats gross?

That’s the point. They taste like dead man’s dessicated knuckles. After a while you’re just never hungry. When he was making Platoon he didn’t eat for the whole shoot.

Animal rights groups have reacted with predictable blah-blah-blah.

Joan Stockings told the Exec:

Bats are beautiful creatures and many species are endangered. Willem Dafoe is blah blah blah. Blah blah boycott blah.

Bat to Basics: Willem Dafoe’s Tried and Tested Bat Diet is available from Amazon and all good bookstores.

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

47 FILMS: 11. MISSISSIPPI BURNING

More 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams. This episode we take a trip to the South at the height of the Civil Rights struggle to witness Mississippi Burning.

Alan Parker’s Mississippi Burning got a hard time on its release for suggesting – it was felt – that the Civil Rights struggle was won by some well-meaning and white FBI agents doing honest police work in the face of vile opposition. The film is in fact far less ambitious than that. It’s really a murder procedural played out against the background of the Civil Rights struggle. More Dirty Harry in the South than Selma.

When three activists go missing in 1964,  Rupert Anderson (Gene Hackman) and Alan Ward (Willem Dafoe) are sent to the small town on the Mississippi to investigate. Here they meet resistance from the local law enforcement, the major and the Klan friendly citizenry. The black populace are even more unwilling to be seen to be helping as they are in constant danger from violent reprisals, church burnings and lynchings. Despite his relative youth, Ward is the superior who insists that everything will be done according to procedure. Anderson, himself a good ole boy and once a Sheriff of a similar town, however believes in breaking the rules to get results and is more than comfortable with fighting fire with fire. They are – to coin a phrase – chalk and cheese, but the cliché of the mismatched pair doesn’t really matter when you have two actors of this calibre firing on all engines. Hackman in particular is fantastic, whether he’s wooing the locals or grabbing Michael Rooker by the crotch until Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer weeps like a child.

With great support from a young Frances McDormand as the wife to Brad Dourif’s brutal deputy sheriff, as well as Dourif himself and Stephen Tobolowsky and R. Lee Ermey as the mayor, Mississippi Burning also looks fantastic thanks to an on form Alan Parker  who had just made Angel Heart a year earlier. Having taken something of a dip post-Commitments, Parker disappeared, leaving erst while rival Ridley Scott as the senior Brit made good, but with a body of work that includes these two films as well as Pink Floyd the Wall, Fame, Birdy and the amazing Bugsy Malone, a reappraisal is long overdue.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

BEN AFFLECK HAS FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB

HOLLYWOOD – Photographic confirmation arrived today that the new Batman, Ben Affleck has four fingers and a thumb at the end of his left arm appendage.

Finally the mystery of what is on the end of Ben Affleck’s left wrist has been conclusively solved as British newspaper The Daily Mirror showed that he had the regular four fingers and a thumb. Although not the most attractive hand in the business – that belongs to David Duchovny – there are no irregular protrusions or weird bulbous effigies but rather a perfectly ordinary number of digits. Best friend Matt Damon instantly leapt to the defence of his best friend.

People have been going on for what seems like centuries about Ben’s hand ever since Pearl Harbor – and I mean the actual Japanese attack, not the movie – has he got a hand? What’s he hiding? It’s absolutely ridiculous. What with the divorce already weighing on his shoulders, you could at least let the man have the privacy of his own hands! Don’t you think?

However, other industry insiders were wondering why it took Affleck so long to reveal his hand. Willem Dafoe, a longstanding advocate for hands, said:

It doesn’t help when a star of Ben Affleck’s stature leaves his hand in his pocket all the time or puts it in some kind of glove. It makes it look like he has something to hide and simply encourages speculation.

Silence of the Lambs director, Jonathan Demme called for calm and understanding.

I mean this guy was fundamental in saving the world from that asteroid a few years ago. Something that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten. We should definitely cut him some slack. He’s got a hand. In our heart of hearts we all knew that he would have. And just because someone doesn’t go around waving it around like Duchovny doesn’t mean a thing.

Batman v Superman will be released in 2016.

THE MAKING OF PLATOON

HOLLYWOOD – In our new series ‘The Making of…’ we go behind the scenes, using previously unseen letters, diaries and documents, of a major motion picture landmark of cinema. This week Platoon.

The Idea.

The original idea for Platoon came to Oliver Stone when he was a schoolboy in 1956. He writes in his unpublished autobiography A Stone’s Throw:

I was a dreamy kid. I’d look out of the windows and wonder about movies I’d like to make. I don’t know if it was seeing something on television but I really wanted to make a film about a young marine who goes to a South East Asian country and becomes torn between two rival Sergeants. Of course Vietnam wasn’t going to get going for some years, but when it did I knew that this was the perfect opportunity for me to research the script that I still intended to write and so that’s what I did.

Casting.

Martin Sheen was originally approached to play the role of Chris Taylor but after several years had passed with Stone unable to secure financing Sheen pulled out. This is the letter he wrote to Oliver Stone:

Hey Ollie,

I’m sorry it has to end this way but I simply can no longer commit to the role of ‘Chris’ in your film, Platoon. I’m getting too old for the role and as written it resembles too closely my part in Apocalypse Now. I feel guilty about leaving you high and dry so I have a suggestion to make and I hope you will take it in good spirit. I have a son who is a very accomplished actor and physically resembles me in some way. I wouldn’t want to be accused of nepotism so I’d insist you audition him properly, but it might be a solution for you. I’ve included Emilio’s address should you want to go with that.

Production.

The filming took place in the Philippines which was then under the rule of the dictator Marcos. Condition were tough and Tom Berenger, who played Sergeant Bob Barnes complained of Oliver Stone’s commitment to realism in this letter to his girlfriend Lisa Williams:

Ollie is one tough son of a bitch. He sent us through basic training so that we would move like soldiers and achieve a basic sense of realism, but now we’re doing the fight scenes, we’re beginning to worry. He wants to use live ammo! He says squibs always look fake. I have to shoot Willem [Dafoe] and goddamn it, if he doesn’t actually want me to shoot him! When I questioned him, he yelled at me to ‘respect his process’ as he reloaded my MK 47. What could I do? I’m not going back to the soaps! I aimed to miss vital organs, but give Ollie his due, the dailies look great and we’re all very happy. Willem has been flown back to the states for surgery. Apparently the bullet is lodged in there quite tightly.

Post-Production.

Music would play a fundamental role in the success of the film and Stone commissioned Georges Delerue to score the picture. However, the composer of such iconic French films as Jules et Jim and Le Mepris would run into difficulty with his American director. He wrote to Francois Truffaut:

These Americans! Sacre Bleu! as we French say all the time. The emotional core of the film is when the Sergeant is shot but reappears chased by the enemy and dies in a Christ-like pose. M. Stone told me to write something like Samuel Barber’s Adagio. It’s a saccharine piece of twaddle but what am I going to do. I try my best but every time I play him my work, he says ‘no! I want it like the Barber piece’. Finally I told him to just use the Barber piece and that’s exactly what he ended did. I should have stayed in Paris, but now at least I’ve got the job of doing the music to Three Men and a Baby.

Platoon was released in 1986.

 

A MOST WANTED MAN: REVIEW

The director of The American films a book by the guy who did Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy starring the guy from Doubt and the gal from Mean Girls who isn’t Lindsay Lohan.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, in one of his last performances, plays Gunther a world weary secret operative who runs a small team of spooks in Hamburg, Germany, tasked with spotting Islamic terrorists before they can put together a plot similar to that hatched in the same city in 2001 and which brought down the World Trade Center. A young Chechen refugee Issa (Grigori Dobrygin)  enters the country illegally, seeking the help of an idealistic young lawyer Annabel (Rachel McAdams) and a dubious banker (Willem Dafoe) to access millions of Euros his Russian father has hid away. Gunther’s team stealthily circle their prey hoping that the Chechen might prove bait to an apparently moderate Islamic leader who might however be a front for terrorists. Gunther will have to contend not only with the terrorists but also with the hawkish elements of his law enforcement rivals and the smiling duplicitous presence of Robin Wright’s CIA operative, an observer  with all the strings held lightly in her hand.

Anton Corbjin’s film looks wonderful. He has a particular talent for placing his characters in startling settings and Hamburg becomes a character in itself with its 1960s architecture all modernist angles and concrete, blessed by the occasional park and laced with ancient sex shops and sea port dives. Hoffman looks perfect in the role and in the city. He shambles about smoking cigarettes as if they are his only form of nutrition and helping himself to generous servings of whisky. He is a man who refuses to look the world in the eye, except when he has to compel that world to do something potentially terrible. As with The Lives of Others, the spooks live half lives somewhere between shabby Olympic Gods and peeping Toms, although Hoffman is such a charismatic screen presence that we are as manipulated and compelled as his stooges are.

The film subsequently suffers whenever we are asked to care too much about Issa or Annabel and their feelings for each other. Rachel McAdams looks out of place, though that is also the function of her character and Issa scrubs up a little too well to be credible. That said A Most Wanted Man is a solid addition to the filmography of John LeCarré adaptations and another sad reminder of what we lost when Philip Seymour Hoffman took his final bow.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

TOM CRUISE BUYS EASTERN EUROPE

HOLLYWOOD – Following his purchase of Liechtenstein (CLICK HERE for more), Oblivion and Jack Reacher star Tom Cruise has bought the whole of Eastern Europe for the staggering price of $3 million dollars.

A deal was reached on Friday and Tom Cruise is expected to move in later this week, although a source close to the star says Tom would first like to do some renovations and perhaps paint.

Many have criticized the Rain Man – as he prefers to be called even though technically Dustin Hoffman… well it doesn’t matter – for an extravagant disregard for other people and the sovereignty of nations. Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – said that this was not the solution to Europe’s problems.

We’re doing very well at the moment and we don’t need another charismatic little man bossing everyone around. After all, well, you know.

Europe watcher and property expert Willem Dafoe complemented his fellow actor on his astute purchase:

Tom moved in at exactly the right time. The market is at an all time low, basically it’s a fire sale. And to pick up all these countries – Hungary, the Baltic states, Ukraine, Slovakia etc – for such a price is a canny steal. 

What will he do with it?

Oh, he’ll flip it. He’ll do some quick work. Spruce it up and then sell it on and make a big profit.

Others, however, argue that Cruise has his eye on world domination. Already Scientology has been made the state religion throughout Liechtenstein and eastern Europe and new regulations have muzzled the freedom of the press, forcing them to say that Jack Reacher was exciting and Oblivion profound.