FIRST IMAGE OF WILL SMITH AS DUMBO ‘JUST LOOKS LIKE WILL SMITH’

HOLLYWOOD – Disney release first image from new live action Dumbo, starring Will Smith.

The first picture from Disney’s live action Dumbo starring Will Smith was published on the internet today. The image shows Will Smith in full costume and prosthetic make up, playing the eponymous baby elephant with the enormous ears.

Disney fan and Smith watcher Dave Buckiss told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s disappointing. It just looks like a picture of Will. His ears look about the same size. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to make of it.

Director Tim Burton, however, insisted he was delighted with his star.

Firstly, Will doesn’t just play a role he becomes that person. Like when he was playing Ali. Now he’s playing another icon, although not one that floated like a butterfly! Ha ha, nope. And as you can see from the picture, he’s almost unrecognizable as the Fresh Prince that we all know and love. Johnny Depp called last night and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. But I bet it was something like ‘Will Smith is so much better than I am.’ Something along those lines.

Dumbo will be released in 2018.

2016 JUST GOT WORSE: WILL SMITH HAS NEW MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – New Will Smith movie is crap cherry on the turd cake of 2016.

As if it weren’t bad enough already – David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman all dead, Trump elected! – Will Smith had to go and release a fucking movie. It has a name: Collateral  Beauty. It has cast: Helen Mirren, Ed Norton, Keira Knightley, Michael Pena and Kate Winslet all cash in. It has a story: grief stricken (dead daughter) executive writes angry letters to Death, Love and Time so his business partners hire actors to play the abstractions in real life and… Oh Jesus God! Why am I even bothering? The only benefit this stringy follow through fart of emotional sludge can possibly contribute to our culture is making the prospect of Trump/Putin inspired nuclear holocaust seem appealing by contrast.

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SUICIDE SQUAD 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONLINE

HOLLYWOOD – The script for the sequel to David Ayers’ Suicide Squad – Suicide Squad 2 – has leaked online.

Read this EXCLUSIVE extract from the much anticipated comic book move Suicide Squad 2.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

Amanda WALLER briefs the MINISTER from a thick file as they sit in a restaurant.

WALLER

The first one is Harley Quinn. She’s the one they call Harlequin. Also known as Harl E. Quin.

MINISTER

Looks crazy.

WALLER

She is crazy. They call her Harley Quinn.

MINISTER

You said that already.

WALLER

I’ll provide a graphic as well I think. 

Graphic introduces Harley Quin, zippy and youthful. With colors.

The Waiter approaches the table. 

WAITER

Are you ready to order?

WALLER

This is the Waiter. He is the one who brings food to your table.

He usually gets it right but sometimes if he’s carrying too much

he’ll accidentally put his thumb in your food. They call him Malcolm.

Graphic introduces Malcolm the waiter. 

INT. PRISON CELL. NIGHT.

Harley QUINN is taking a shower in warm cream wearing a ZANY smile. Prison guards surround the cage. It’s not entirely clear but some of them seem to be jerking off.

HARLEY QUINN

I’m a bad girl! Hee hee! Kind of like a feminist but with a push up bra and no pants!

PRISON GUARD

She’s gorgeous and somehow reminds me of my 13 year old daughter. Which is NOT weird. 

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

WALLER

This is Deadshot. As a marksman He’s a deadshot. I guess that’s how he got his name.

EXT. FIRING RANGE. DAY.

Deadshot is given a massive array of firearms while an infographic at the bottom of the screen gives the phone number of the local branch of the NRA.

DEADSHOT

I have just a big erection right now.

DEADSHOT shoots all the the targets in the head, in the face, in the genitalia. He fires off all the fingers of the hand of a target, clips of ears and draws smiles on the faces with bullet holes.  

DEADSHOT

What’s the mission?

WALLER

There’s been another mass shooting in a school. We need you to find the mass shooter and shoot them.

DEADSHOT

How postmodern!

FINIS

 

SUICIDE SQUAD DIRECTOR SAYS HE NEVER READS REVIEWS AFTER READING REVIEWS

HOLLYWOOD – David Ayer the director of DC Comics Suicide Squad said today that he never reads reviews.

Talking from his apartment filled with cuttings from all the trades and print outs of all the internet reviews, David Ayer said he never reads reviews and anyway he doesn’t care what the critics say. He asserted that he doesn’t make movies for the critics, he makes them for the fans.

I don’t care what they say. I mean what do critics know about films anyway. They’re the same critics who took a shit on Mall Cop 2 and Jersey Girl which are now being hailed modern classics. Actually the reviews for Suicide Squad might be really good. I don’t know because I don’t read them. Never have. I make it for the fans.

What if the fans don’t like the film?

Then I’ll make films for the magical people who live in my head.

Suicide Squad stars Will Smith, Margot Robbie and Jared Leto as the Joker.

NETFLIX TO REMAKE MONKEY WITH JADEN SMITH

HOLLYWOOD – Jaden Smith is to play Monkey in a Netflix produced remake of the cult Chinese TV show from the Eighties.

Jaden Smith is to take on the iconic role of Monkey in a Netflix remake of Monkey, the cult Chinese TV show. Jaden Smith told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I am so excited about this. I mean Monkey has his own cloud and he’s got a stick. I’m going to use my kung fu/Karate skills which Jackie Chan taught me in The Karate Kid.

The original show was actually a Japanese TV production though based on a Chinese novel and largely filmed in Chinese locations. It followed the adventures of the mischievous Monkey God (Smith) who must travel to India with Pigsy (Jonah Hill) and Sandy (Owen Wilson) in order to retrieve some ancient scriptures.

I’m so excited to do this because of the spiritual quest and of course I get the chance to fly on a cloud.

Monkey will drop in 2017.

SPIKE LEE PRAISES GODS OF EGYPT ALL WHITE CASTING

HOLLYWOOD – Spike Lee congratulates Gods of Egypt for not casting black actors.

The historical/fantasy romp Gods of Egypt hit the Box Office with all the impact of a neutrino hitting a truck windshield this week as both critics and public agreed that the film was not worth their time. ‘Starring’ Gerard Butler and Nicolas Coster-Waldau, the Alex Proyas film tells the story of the myth of Osiris and has been roundly criticized for casting almost exclusively white actors as Egyptians. The film however has found an unlikely champion in Maclolm X and future Enter the Dragon director Spike Lee, who spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:

At first I was mad about the casting controversy concerning Gods of Egypt. It was Ridley Scott and Exodus all over again as far as I could see. A systematic white washing of history and the world for the benefit of the dollar and dumb prejudice audiences who aren’t interested in watching anything which isn’t exactly like them.

So what changed your opinion?

I saw the film.

Ah!

Yeah, exactly. And I realized. Goddamn it, what if Denzel had been in this or Will Smith, or Oprah I mean Whoopi Goldberg.  It could have set the movement back decades. Normally I’d say I’m against segregation, but I do want to be segregated from your bullshit CGIed up the ass fantasy movies with second string Game of Thrones actors. That’s some shit I can get behind.

Gods of Egypt is on release.

WILL SMITH: WHY I WON’T ACCEPT THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – As the award season picks up, one favorite contender for the best actor Oscar, Will Smith, has told the Studio Exec why he won’t be picked up the best actor statuette, or attending the ceremony during which he would win it.

My name is Will Smith. You might know me from such films as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II or perhaps The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I was also in Wild Wild West, but no one really remembers that and in our house we just call it ‘the time dad was always angry’.  As the Oscars approach I think it’s important that I make a statement concerning my decision not to attend the ceremony and not to accept the award for Best Actor, which I was going to win for my amazing role in the football drama Concussion. You see over the years I’ve seen the number of films made by and starring black artists increase. The diversity on our screens is staggering and yet the Academy every year seems to pass over these talents in a way that you don’t want to attribute to prejudice but for which no other explanation is readily available. My wife Jada Pinkett Smith has been an actress for as long as I have but  her work in The Nutty Professor, Matrix Revolutions and Madagascar 3 has not received even one nomination. Not one. As in zero. This can only be because of racism.

I have a unique position in the black community as one of the few actors, along with Denzel Washington, who has the genuine ability to open a big budget film. I’ve been offered nominations all the time but I’ve always turned them down because I feel that to accept the nomination and then the Oscar while my brothers and sisters are not even getting nominated would make me into the worst kind of hypocrite. I won’t do it.  It doesn’t make me happy. I wish I could say, well, okay I’ll take it. I worked hard, I deserve it. I got my speech written down and everything. All the folks I want to thank. We even timed it so the orchestra doesn’t start playing the music to Independence Day while I’m still speaking.

But there is a bigger issue at stake. It’s bad enough the levels of massive inequality, the poverty, the way the prison population likewise bespeaks a society that far from being over racism seems to be becoming more entrenched behind positions of prejudice: it’s bad enough young black kids are getting shot in the streets by the police, but the stinger, the real thing that is gonna get everyone fuming mad is if some very rich people don’t get more recognition from another bunch of very rich people in a televised ceremony and everyone talks about the clothes they’re wearing. Of such injustices revolutions are made.

So this is why I respectfully ask that the Motion Picture Academy of Cinematic Arts do not reward me the Best Actor Oscar for Concussion. But instead give it to someone else. Leonardo deserves it. But anyone else. Not Eddie Redmayne though. I mean Jesus, not him. Christ that film was dull.

Will Smith will be next visible in Suicide Squad.

RIDLEY SCOTT REPLIES TO THE MARTIAN CASTING CONTROVERSY

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott replies to accusations of white washing in his casting of The Martian.

Another Ridley Scott – film another casting controversy. First Exodus: Gods and Kings, then his projected Roots remake and now this time his latest film, The Martian is the film under fire, though the cast includes gender diversity and racial diversity, many have argued that the film is still not diverse enough, with one of its main characters not being from the place that their name would suggest.

Ridley Scott popped into the Studio Exec Bungalow to discuss the matter and offer a rebuttal:

The film is called The Martian and it has as its lead character Mark Watney. Matt Damon, one of the best actor’s of his generation, plays the role perfectly and what’s more his name is a surefire way of getting people into the cinema. He is a star. And this film with the budget it has, not huge but still this is a big film, I can’t make that money back if I cast so and so from Mars, who no one has ever heard of.

But some are saying with so few films being made about Mars it seems a pity not to have an actual Martian in the role of The Martian.

I know and I appreciate that, but ultimately this is a business and the number of real Martian actors who can open a film are very few. There’s Will Smith and that’s it.

What about Taylor Kitsch?

Oh come on. Be serious.

The Martian is currently on release.

INDEPENDENCE DAY SAVIOR ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN CANADA

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.

In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans.  It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.

Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?

I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.

And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’

What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense. 

INDEPENDENCE DAY DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Today is the annual celebration of the fourth of July, or Independence Day Day, as it has been known since the defeat of the alien invasion some years ago.

Under the presidency of Bill Pullman the Earth was subject to an unprecedented attack by extraterrestrial forces which were then defeated by a combination of Brundle Fly, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Dennis Quaid’s demented brother. All over the country, parties are being organized to celebrate the coming together of disparate parts of our nation in order to defeat the common foe. The White House has been rebuilt and New York repaired, but the psychological scars of that day remain fresh.

One witness spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec under strict request for anonymity:

We fled in thousands. In millions. There were many who left everything behind. Who lost everything. And worse than that, worse even than the grief for those who had died was the utter hopelessness. We had thrown everything we had at the aliens and they seemed impervious. Our navy, our army and our air force aside from some mavericks had all had their butts handed to them. We had stared up at the aliens hoping that they would relent, that some mercy would be forthcoming, but instead they rained down death on us. If it hadn’t been for President Bill Pullman and Dennis Quaid’s dingbat brother, the Earth would have been placed under the dominion of a foreign army, or more likely the Human race would simply have been exterminated.

Independence Day Day will be celebrated by the Studio Exec with a head hung in sorrow as well as joy.

WILL SMITH’S MIND IS BROKEN

HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how his mind was broken following the release of After Earth.

How’re you feeling today, Will Smith?

It’s my mind, Dave. It’s going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

When did this happen?

All my films must be number one for me to feel properly validated. And yet After Earth was so boring I fell asleep while I was making it. I would just drift through scenes. I was lying down a lot and I talk in my sleep so we managed to ADR a lot of the dialogue. I don’t know what happened. It’s not as if Hitch was this masterpiece. Or I am Legend for that matter. But After Earth… They abandoned me.

Who do you blame?

Squirrels mainly. Vicious little rodents. Why are they hiding the nuts? What’s so special about the nuts they need to hide them? When did they become so untrusting?

The squirrels?

Oh and my son. He betrayed me. I thought Jaden could act, but the boy cannot act. He’s like a mini-me, but without me, just the mini. He said afterwards… this is very hard. He came up to me afterwards and said ‘I’m sorry dad, truly I am.’

That’s…

Totally unconvincing. I didn’t believe it for a second and if he can’t sell it to me, how’s he going to sell it to them. The public, the audience. Jackie Chan said it best when he said ‘Get that little asshole away from me.’

So what’s next for Will Smith?

I can sing you a song ‘Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I’m half crazy all for the love of you.’

That’s lovely. Um. Final question. Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re becoming a Scientologist?

Hey! I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will Smith will next be appearing in M. Night Shyamalan’s new film Ding Dong.

SNEAK PEEK AT RIDLEY SCOTT’S SHAFT

HOLLYWOOD – It’s not due out until late 2015 but the Studio Exec have been granted an EXCLUSIVE first look at Ridley Scott’s Shaft, starring Jason Statham.

Statham takes on the role of the iconic role of the seventies detective first made famous by Richard Rowntree in the 1971 cult classic. In 2000 Samuel L. Jackson’s remake was met with a mixed response. This time however, Ridley Scott, whose Exodus: Gods and Kings is in cinemas at the moment, believes he is on to a winning formula:

The problem with Shaft in the past is he was always black. If I’m take make a big budget  film, financing it off Irish tax credits and coupons that I clip from magazines, then I can’t go to the studio and say we’ve got Will (who he?) Smith or Denzel What’s-his-name? They’d laugh in my face. We didn’t even have that conversation. Actually since Prometheus we’ve been having a lot less conversation anyway.

Can you tell us something about the plot?

Thank god! Yes. I’d be more than happy to and at last get away from this ridiculous conversation about race. Okay. Where to start? Shaft is a private detective working in New York where he discovers a slavery ring alive and well in the Twenty First Century. The slave owner, known by the mysterious name Mr. Big, and his cohorts drug white girls and sell them as slaves to Arabs and Africans and the like.

That sounds racist.

What do you mean? Okay, so Jason is playing the main guy but there are lots of black actors in the cast.

Like who?

Well, Jamie Foxx is playing Mr. Big. And I’m hoping to get Danny Glover to play this really vicious psychopath who tries to kill Shaft’s twelve year old daughter.

Shaft will be released December 25, 2015.

SONY’S SECRET ASSASSINATION PROGRAM

HOLLYWOOD – A fresh email leak has revealed that throughout the 1980s Sony funded a top secret assassination program called Project Walkman.

Carol Hake, the head of Sony’s Innovation and Technology department contacted Scott Rudin last May amid fears a former agent of the program had gone rogue:

Morning Scott

I’ve just heard from Agent K. He confirms that Agent F has gone off the reservation. Headquarters are worried and are looking to implement the fail-safe.

Your advice has been requested.

CH

P.S Lovely to see you and Gina the other night. We’ll do it again soon.

—-

Hello Carol

I’ve spoken to Agent D and he confirms Agent K’s intel about Agent F. It doesn’t look good but we’ve been here before. You remember Cannes 92?

Let me talk to Agent X and get back to you.

Scott

—-

Hey Scott

Have you heard from Agent X?

We pulled Agent D, Agent M and Agent O in for a debrief. They all confirm our worst suspicions about Agent F. The top brass are getting twitchy but I won’t give the order until you make contact.

CH

—-

Yo Carol

Sorry about the late reply I ran into Shia LeBeouf on Sunset and we went for a few drinks. I spoke to Agent X and he said to call off the attack dogs. Agent F is solid it was just a misunderstanding.

Hope you’re well.

Scott

—-

Scott

You went for a few drinks? I haven’t heard from you in three f*cking weeks!

You’re too late. Agent F has been erased. You never made contact so they think you’re been turned. They’ll track your email and send somebody over. Get out of the house NOW!

CH

—-

Hey Carol

Ha-Ha, very funny. You had me there for a second.

You know how it is, when you’re partying with Shia time runs away with you.

I’ve got to go, Will Smith has arrived unexpectedly and I…

WILL SMITH IS BOBBY MCFERRIN

HOLLYWOOD – Joining the latest rash of musical biopics, Will Smith has signed on for Don’t Worry (Be Happy), Spike Lee‘s epic 3 hour take on the musical career of Bobby McFerrin.

The Old Boy and Malcolm X director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec this morning about the project:

I’ve always been inspired by Bobby McFerrin. People know me as a kinda irascible guy always prone to the odd outburst and argument, but really I’m not. I’ve always based my philosophy on Bobby’s amazing hit ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’, which is also going to be the title of our movie.   

Will Smith also expressed delight at working on Don’t Worry (Be Happy).

Bobby McFerrin is a guy, who like James Brown, like Michael Jackson, just revolutionized music. He used his body as an orchestra and he wrote some of the most stirring music of the last few decades. I mean a soundtrack to a generation. He wrote ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’ for crying out loud. Without that song Pharrell Williams would be …. well I don’t know, but something.

Lee also answered criticism that his film is based on a mammoth 300 page script.

Yes, we do have some issues with length, but McFerrin’s story is simply so epic, there’s no way of fitting it all in. I mean we have the story of him becoming this huge overnight success with ‘Don’t Worry (Be Happy)’ and then all the other hits we have to fit in, like… well, there was… I mean, did he do ‘Easy (Like Sunday Morning)’? No that was The Commodores, or Lionel Richie. Erm. Maybe we could slim it down a little.

Don’t Worry (Be Happy) will be released in 2015.