HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg have made another f*cking movie, and this one co-stars Mel f*cking Gibson.
Not content with the laughter free zones of The Other Guys and Daddy’s Home, Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are starring in another f*cking movie. Daddy’s Home 2 is supposed to be a f*cking comedy but it isn’t. It just isn’t. The film is sequel to Daddy’ Home which was also supposed to be a f*cking comedy. This one has Mel f*cking Gibson trying to be funny, by playing an asshole.
John Lithgow wastes his f*cking time. As does John f*cking Cena.
The IMDb synopsis reads:
Having finally gotten used to each other’s f*cking existence, Brad and Dusty must now f*cking deal with their f*cking intrusive fathers during the f*cking holidays.
Daddy’s Home 2 is f*cking on release now.
HOLLYWOOD – Following his success rejuvenating one 70s blockbuster, JJ Abrams is turning his attention to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.
Hardly a day goes by without someone yelling: ‘where oh where is the Jaws prequel we’ve all wanted?’ Well, those souls can rest assured: JJ Abrams is on the case with his new film Amity. JJ popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to jaw about his new project.
We want to make Jaws but this time with an alternative timeline. What would have happened to Chief Brody (Hayden Christensen) and his family if there hadn’t been any shark. No attacks, no blood in the water. All the questions we can answer.
When I first saw the original my big question was: who are these kids karate chopping the fences? What sort of investigation would that look like?
I know. And we get to see Quint (Will Ferrell) go into an alcohol induced coma, ironically the same day he would have been eaten by the shark.
Amity will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.
Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.
One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.
Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.
Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.
Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’
Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’
CHICAGO – Will Ferrell Syndrome has been recognised as an actual medical condition.
Dr. Roberto Coteeze of the American Medical Association declared today the Will Ferrell Syndrome would be classified as a recognized medical condition although the ‘pathology has not yet been fully defined.’
Will Ferrell Syndrome is a condition which seems to only affect very funny men who have made a promising start to their television careers (usually on Saturday Night Live) before moving onto Hollywood and five picture deals. In some cases, the progress of the syndrome is relatively slow, especially if actors confine themselves to character parts, but once they approach ‘family entertainment’ or ‘gross-out comedy’ they are doomed never to be funny again.
Will Ferrell – after whom the syndrome is named (Stiller Disease being an earlier option) – is a prime example. ‘He was great in Zoolander,’ says Dr. Coteeze, ‘but then came Land of the Lost and that was as funny as a teenager’s funeral.’
|admitted to hospital
Other sufferers include Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Vigils are currently being held for Zach Galifianakis in hope that he too won’t succumb.
Flowers have been laid, songs sung.
HOLLYWOOD – A new audience survey has revealed that the public actually wants more movies in which a blue light shines into the sky, usually opening a portal.
The Movier Goers Association of America (or MOGOAA) today published the results of a nation wide survey that proved that audiences wanted more movies in which a blue light is shone into the sky, usually above a city, usually to open a portal. The survey asked over seven thousand theatre goers for their disappointments and expectations. Frequently the results are used by studios to craft big budget entertainment that caters for the widest audience. MOGOAA spokesperson Ali Ppshaw explained the results to the Studio Exec:
The people have spoken and one thing they said is ‘more blue light shining into the sky please.’ This year we had the Suicide Squad but there was very little blue light shining in the sky action in films such as Jason Bourne and Snowden. Audiences have also demanded that movies include more thirty minute fight scenes at the end of movies when a team of disparate individuals finally learn to work together as a team to defeat a supermodel who can’t act.
What else did the survey find?
The public believe there is too much originality and there are a lot of people asking where the Manimal reboot is.
Manimal starring Will Ferrell will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly re-team to remake 1988 Sherlock Holmes comedy Without a Clue.
John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell are back again after their successful comic partnering in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights. The occasion is a remake of Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine comedy Without a Clue.
Ferrell told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We’re going to call it Holmes & Watson but it’s effectively Without a Clue 2.
What was your inspiration for taking on the world’s most famous detective?
Mostly the fact it hasn’t been done. Oh, yes you can go back to the old Basil Rathbone films but since then nothing.
What about the BBC TV show Sherlock? And Elementary?
Yes, but that’s TV.
And the Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes?
Was that actually based on Sherlock Holmes. I thought it was an Iron Man prequel. The point is none of them have used humor.
And so we’re going to be a completely original remake of Without a Clue.
Holmes & Watson will be released in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.
The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.
Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:
This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.
Where does this leave people with penises?
Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.
Ghostbusters is in theaters.
HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell has dropped out of the new movie Reagan because of the danger that it might have been funny.
Noted comedian Will Ferrell is no longer to play President Ronald Reagan in a new comedy Reagan. The log line for the film was that as the President succumbs to dementia while in the second term of office and needing to be convinced that he is an actor playing the President of the United States of America. Following a blog post by the late President’s daughter, Ferrell has dropped out of the project although it is unclear whether his Gary Sanchez production company will still be involved. Released EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec a statement read:
We got involved with the project after a great live read of the black listed script with Josh Brolin. However, following concerns voiced by the Reagan family, specifically stating that they think this is unsuitable material for a comedy Will said ‘Whoa! a comedy? are we ready for that?’ You see Will has been quietly making not exactly serious drama, but unfunny films for some time. Non comedies if you will. So when we heard that this was supposed to be funny, Will got cold feet. ‘I can’t do that anymore’ were his exact words.
A source close to Ferrell also stated, ‘We would hate to cause any distress, especially considering what President Reagan did for the mentally ill while in office. His policies of closing down mental hospitals and providing care in the community, mainly under bridges and in slums and trailer parks, was far-sighted. His swift action to alleviate the suffering of AIDs also deserves far more respect. Not to mention his invasion of Granada and the ramping up of the ‘War on Drugs’ which proved such a success’.
Reagan starring Ben Stiller will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Massive crowds and street parties spontaneously take to the streets as Daddy’s Home 2 is green lit.
In scenes of mass hysteria and celebration not seen since the end of World War 2, worldwide street parties erupted last night as news came in that Paramount Pictures and Gary Sanchez Productions are to make Daddy’s Home 2. The sequel to last Christmas’ mega hit Daddy’s Home will see Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg return as mismatched buddy characters, Dusty and Brad, names that have already become synonymous with comedy duos such as Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, Nixon and Kissinger. Sean Anders and John Morrisare also returning to write the script and Anders to direct.
From Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe the effusion of good will and joy was palpable. On the West Bank, extremist Jewish Settlers and Palestinian terrorist groups joined together for nibbles and chit-chat about what the sequel might hold. The only voice of concern was that of Will Ferrell, the star who worried that expectations were too high:
We knew when we finished making Daddy’s Home that we had made something special. Something that so far exceeded anything we had done before. The Other Guys, Get Hard, Step Brothers, those had all been great obviously but Daddy’s Home was on a totally different level and the chances of repeating that are slim. However, that said we’re going to do our best, not only for comedy, but for the starving children of Africa.
Daddy’s Home 2 will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – The remake of popular Eighties TV show CHiPs, which stars Oscar Isaac and Will Ferrell, got its first official image today.
Running from 1977 to 1983, Chips was a popular TV show created by Rick Rosner and following the lives of two California Highway Patrolmen, Jon Baker (Larry Wilcox) and as macho, rambunctious Officer Frank Llewellyn “Ponch” Poncherello (Erik Estrada). The remake will be directed by Adam McKay and will star Oscar Isaac as Ponch and Will Ferrell as Jon Baker. Isaac spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
We’ve been working on this film for about three years, but something always came up. Star Wars took a lot of time and Will was learning Spanish for some reason. Adam was also distracted by The Big Short. However, now the stars have all aligned and we began shooting early in January. We were initially looking at this being something quite light. Some comedy, some action. But Will said that he feels like he is getting into something of a rut these days with too many bromances and comedies and he wanted to go darker. He also is a total True Detective freak and so I think that led to a real change in focus with the script. This is going to be Will Ferrell like you’ve never seen him before.
How did you prepare for the role?
We drove around a lot with the real guys who do the work for reals. I can tell you, it is a hard job but boy those motorcycles are a lot of fun.
How is it to work with Will Ferrell?
I learn a lot from every actor I work with but with Will, it’s strange. He’s a very disturbed man. He really wants to do serious work but they keep pushing him into this comedy stuff that he really doesn’t want to do anymore. CHiPs is going to change all of that.
Can you give us an example?
I don’t want to spoil anything, obviously, but Ponch and Jon are investigating the Crips and Jon has to go undercover and part of his initiation ceremony involves murdering someone he loves. It was a challenging scene for Will to do but he pulled it off. He really pulled it off.
CHiPs will be released in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – In a move that has shocked and delighted Hollywood Adam McKay director of financial comedy The Big Short has promised that all profits of the movie will go to charity.
New comedy The Big Short starring Steve Carrell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt has a lot of fun with the financial crisis but director Adam McKay has decided to put something back:
It’s very simple. Thousands of people lost their homes as a result of the chicanery that we are portraying. It is great that people will know more about it because of our movie but the important thing is that satire and laughter lines cannot put a roof over people’s heads. So we’ll be taking every penny we make from The Big Short and giving it to the people who suffered from the financial crisis. Those who had their homes foreclosed. Those who lost their jobs.
I know. Brad, Steve and Ryan are joining suit. But it isn’t the first time we did this. When we made The Other Guys which is my answer to Serpico we used the profits to fund an organisation that investigates police corruption. When we made Anchorman 2 the only reason we did that is so that we could raise funds to build a home in new Mexico for unemployed men with mustaches.
Wait, is this a joke?
And when we made Step Brothers we used the money that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly donated to buy Africa and fill it with food.
This is bullshit Adam. So you didn’t give the money to charity?
Are you kidding? I’m taking all the money I make and I’m giving it to my fund manager. This economy is going to crash and burn and I’m set to profit twice over. First with the shorts I’m paying for now and second with The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots.
The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots will be out shortly.
HOLLYWOOD – The 67th Emmy awards took place at the Microsoft Theatre with Andy Samberg presenting the awards, but the major upset of the evening was Manimal the 1983 adventure series that swept all the major categories.
Manimal, a short-lived adventure series started and ended in 1983, but last night it swept the Emmys due to a glitch in the voting mechanism. Beating out the likes of Mad Men, Orange is the New Black, Veep and Game of Thrones, Manimal won best drama series, best comedy series, best non-prosthetic make up and Simon MacCorkindale won best actor, beating out the likes of John Hamm and Bob Odenkirk.
Peter Dinklage – who plays Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones – spoke bitterly of his disappointment to the Studio Exec:
I’m bitterly disappointed. We were expecting stiff competition this year from Mad Men sure, but Manimal? That came from nowhere and swooped in like an eagle and took the award from my grasp. I mean was it even a good show? I didn’t even see it.
Although Manimal only ran for nine episodes in the early eighties, it received a massive cult following among internet groups and it is these groups which are thought to have interfered, or swung, the voting process. Starring MacCorkindale as Dr. Jonathan Chase, Manimal follows the shape shifting manimal as he solves crimes as a bull, or a dolphin, or a snake, or a monkey, or a giraffe. The Emmys host Andy Samberg was philosophical about the outcome and the outpouring of anger and hatred that soon followed:
It’s just like 2007 when Airwolf won everything. Or 2013 when it was Modern Family AGAIN. Nah, people bitch and complain but the fact is it is also cyclical. These things come around.
A new Manimal film starring Will Ferrell has been greenlit for 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – In what looks to be one of the strangest career moves in recent years, Jack Black and Will Ferrell are both to move away from darker dramatic roles and try their hands at ‘comedy’.
Jack Black and Will Ferrell have for years created robust CVs of serious and often controversial and challenging dramatic material. In Nacho Libre for instance, Jack Black shone light on the poor and disenfranchised of Mexico and how many are pushed to extremes in order to realise their dreams. Likewise, Will Ferrell in Anchorman produced a film that was described in The New York Times as ‘like Network but without the jokes’.
The move will come as a surprise for their fan who yesterday spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
I love Jack Black in Bernie. The darkness in his character was one of the deepest things I’ve seen in years. A performance up there with Robert Mitchum in night of the Hunter. And Will Ferrell has always been a keystone of serious dramatic acting, be it the struggling accountant in Stranger than Fiction, or the real life portrait of President George W. Bush in Oliver Stone’s under-rated biopic W. But now to see him what? Gooning about with Jack Black for laughs? I’m not sure it’ll work.
Ferrell and Black however were both keen to stress that the new film was an experiment and they would soon be back to their more familiarly serious roles.
Jack Black told tthe Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
There’s always a danger doing something entirely new and out there. We’ve never done comedy before. We don’t even really know how it works. There’s a chance that people will just laugh at us and if they do, if they don’t get it, then I think both Will and I will return to our day jobs of not making people laugh.
Tag will be released in 2017.
MOSUL – Islamic terrorist group ISIS have welcomed the news that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are going to return for Zoolander 2.
The announcement of the Zoolander sequel came in the form of an appearance on the cat walk at Paris fashion week, when Stiller and Wilson in character as Hansel and Derek Zoolander had a walk off.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and emir of ISIS, issued a statement on the internet within minutes of the confirmation that Zoolander 2 would begin filming soon.
We of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are overjoyed – God be praised – at the return of Derek Zoolander and Hansel and the comedy that makes us all laugh. We hope – God willing – that there will also be celebrity cameos, featuring David Duchovny Billy Zane or Winona Ryder, who is still hot. We also demand that the Will Ferrell’s villainous fashion designer Mugatu also returns. His improv is priceless.
Exactly what the connection is between ISIS’ declared ambition of creating a universal caliphate and the 2001 comedy film is unclear, but we spoke to Middle East expert Merton Paul to find out:
ISIS has gone through some radical changes in the last few months. The leadership is surprised at the amount of success it has had with its reach now spreading all around the Mediterranean and into central Africa. There is always the danger when a group like this has such success that it will splinter. Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time. All Jihadis love the original Zoolander. 98% of the population of the Arab world rate it as ‘way better than Meet the Parents’ in a recent poll. This will be used as a way of uniting what threatened to become a fragmented movement. For the leadership, Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time.
Zoolander 2 will be released in 2016.