LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.
‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’
Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’
The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.
‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’
The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’
Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.
Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Spike Lee congratulates Gods of Egypt for not casting black actors.
The historical/fantasy romp Gods of Egypt hit the Box Office with all the impact of a neutrino hitting a truck windshield this week as both critics and public agreed that the film was not worth their time. ‘Starring’ Gerard Butler and Nicolas Coster-Waldau, the Alex Proyas film tells the story of the myth of Osiris and has been roundly criticized for casting almost exclusively white actors as Egyptians. The film however has found an unlikely champion in Maclolm X and future Enter the Dragon director Spike Lee, who spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:
At first I was mad about the casting controversy concerning Gods of Egypt. It was Ridley Scott and Exodus all over again as far as I could see. A systematic white washing of history and the world for the benefit of the dollar and dumb prejudice audiences who aren’t interested in watching anything which isn’t exactly like them.
So what changed your opinion?
I saw the film.
Yeah, exactly. And I realized. Goddamn it, what if Denzel had been in this or Will Smith, or Oprah I mean Whoopi Goldberg. It could have set the movement back decades. Normally I’d say I’m against segregation, but I do want to be segregated from your bullshit CGIed up the ass fantasy movies with second string Game of Thrones actors. That’s some shit I can get behind.
Gods of Egypt is on release.
HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin/Whoopi Goldberg family friendly comedies will never be the same again after Nile Rogers decided yesterday to permanently withdraw ‘We Are Family’ from the public sphere.
The 1979 Sister Sledge hit has been a staple of advertising and feel good comedies, but as Mr. Rogers, who penned the song with the late Bernard Edwards, said yesterday ‘I’m sick of the goddam sound of the goddam thing!’
Music historian Haverman Belt lamented the decision:
Whenever an odd ball group of people are finding hitherto unsuspected affinity with one another as they establish a small business, repair a fire engine, walk a ridiculous number of dogs or put up several tents, the musical montage will now be a poorer place.
Steve Martin also commented, remarking that Cheaper By the Dozen 3 the long awaited sequel to the most popular pro-Choice comedy franchise in history now looks much less likely.
‘We were writing the script around the song,’ said the silver haired one.
Cheaper By the Dozen 3: the Vasectomy will be released in 2015.
WASHINGTON – A secret video of Obama that was published on the web yesterday has been almost immediately revealed to be a fake.
On the You Tube clip, ‘Obama’ prances about in front of a crowd of Hollywood celebrities, leers at white women, smokes doobies and jive talks about the redistribution of wealth. Apparently released as a response to the by now infamous 47% video of Mitt Romney talking to donors published by the Mother Jones website, the video has so far only been aired on the ‘fair and balanced’ Fox News channel.
The response video appears to be a cobbled together affair of Ted Danson in black face, some stock footage from D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, all covered with a dubbed track written by famous blubber mouth and socio-path Glenn Beck and intoned by Kelsey Gramner and occasionally Jar Jar Binks.
The amateurish nature of the video was apparent from the occasional glimpses of a Far Right Christian sex tape over which the film had apparently been haphazardly recorded. Although the Romney campaign has formally disavowed any involvement with the tape, some have argued that although obviously made up and fabricated and furthermore not true, the tape does relate substantive truths about Obama’s socialism and Kenyan nationality.
Whoopi Goldberg says she continues to have nightmares about that particular evening, but at the same time Mel Gibson remains one of her close personal friends.