LEN WISEMAN TO DIRECT WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf and Jude Law are set to star in a Len Wiseman remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare, set to start filming in April 2019.

The action-packed snow-bound reboot will see Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith.
Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

It’s like what we did with Clash of the Titans, which was basically a pile of embarrassing crud buckets. We always make a big show of loving the original and blah blah blah but we always and I mean ALWAYS think the original was a crock. Otherwise, why make a new one? Right?

Jude Law also took shots at the original: ‘The acting isn’t up to much. When you think about it, you have a great story and then who do you have as the main character Droney Dicky Burton. Even on a bad day I could shit Richard Burton. And Shia has already proved he’s a thousand times more charismatic than Eastwood.’

What do you think? Is everyone’s favorite Christmas war movie really a load of old piss flaps? Will Shia LaBeouf overtake Clint Eastwood as America’s most iconic leading man? Is Jude Law on drugs?

Where Eagles Dare will be released in 2020.

CLINT EASTWOOD ‘WAS A NAZI’

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper director Clint Eastwood has been accused of being a Nazi after photographs of the young Clint dressed in a Wehrmacht uniform leaked onto the net.

The furor is only likely to add fuel to the fire of controversy currently raging around the octogenarian’s latest film and Oscar hopeful American Sniper which tells the story of a sniper who is American, but not Lee Harvey Oswald.

Documentarian and Fox News expert Michael Moore told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Clint’s films have often played with right wing ideology. Dirty Harry was called a fascist by Pauline Kael among others, and although the original film retained some ambiguity, the later manifestations were more straightforwardly right wing fantasies. Now what these photographs apparently show is Clint Eastwood dressed as a German soldier circa 1943. In other words at the height of the Nazi Reich’s power. And from this draw what you may.

However, supporters of the Every Which Way But Loose star said that the photographs actually come from a film called Where Eagles Dare, in which Clint ‘played’ a Nazi. Moore was having none of it.

That’s just hair-splitting. Whether he was a Nazi or he played a Nazi in a film the important thing surely is that the word Nazi and the words Clint Eastwood have appeared in a sentence together. And that has to be worth something. I mean, where there’s smoke, surely there has to be fire?

But surely lots of actors have played Nazis, Malcolm McDowell, Ralph Fiennes, Max Von Sydow, Tom Cruise and Christoph Waltz have all donned the uniform.

It only goes to show how bad the problem is.

Clint Eastwood has so far refused to comment, as he was busy working on his new film Triumph of the American Will. 

WOODY ALLEN TAKES OVER EXPENDABLES 4

SUNDANCE – Woody Allen turned up at a surprise Sundance panel to reveal he is to write, direct and star in The Expendables 4, taking over from Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone, who was also in attendance said he would stay on board as an executive producer but added he was delighted to have the 79 year old Jewish comedian take the reigns.

After the panel, Stallone told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know how it is, anyone who saw The Expendables 3 can tell that the formula was getting tired, but I still wanted the characters to move on. I got talking to Woody one afternoon because we go to the same chiropodist in New York. Anyway I had these terrible corns and was in the waiting room thinking of how I was going to rescue the franchise and in limped Woody.

Woody Allen takes over the telling of the tale:

I’ve always wanted to do something different; push myself. And the kind of gung-ho action thriller that Sly does is in itself a craft and a craft I’ve yet to learn, so I jumped at the chance. You see a filmmaker is like a shark, if you don’t move forward, you’re Brett Ratner.

Stallone continues:

I knew Woody for a long time. When I was a struggling actor, Woody cast me as a street thug in Bananas. A lot of us young guys got a break from Woody so I thought it was great to pay him back. And the other thing is Woody brings a great sense of humor to everything he does and I think Expendables 4 needs a lighter touch. Expendables 3 was too dark, I think we can all agree on that.

What do you want to do with the story?

WA: I don’t want to change too much. Sly is going to have a cameo where he explains to the guys that I’m taking over. I’m obviously not a muscle man, like Sly or Arnie, so they’re going to call my the Hipster, I’m deadly with a one-liner and a crossbow. I also have these glasses that kind of pull apart and then put back together again as a grenade launcher.

SS: Oh oh. Spoiler Alert.

WA: Oh Jeez. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I said that. Yeah, but then basically explosions, mayhem and an amazing stair lift sequence. It’s like the cable cars in Where Eagles Dare.

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2016.