THE MIDDLE EAST – Political philosopher and sometime actress, Scarlett Johansson has controversially annexed the West Bank and renamed the disputed territory New Israel.

“I’m on nobody’s side,” said an AK-47 toting Johansson.

I’m a friend of the Palestinian people. I just wish they’d go back to Australia and leave Israel alone. Look, I forgive them for killing Jesus and I know some people say it might have been the Romans or you know, the other ones that were in that movie 300 but that’s just speculation. I know this guy, Eli Finklestien. He plays drums in a band called The Bastard sons of Abraham and he’s written this like, totally impartial book about this new world order and how all the leaders are Palestinians. They run everything: governments, banking and even Hollywood. At first I didn’t believe it but then he showed me a picture of Steven Spielberg, or Hassan El Hassan, which is his real name and without his make-up, you can clearly see that he’s a secret Arab.

Asked what she plans to do with the current Arabic population in the West Bank, Johnasson was candid:

I’m not like, an evil witch or something. I broadcast on the radio earlier that when we start building the arms factories and expand the Soda Stream operation, there will be plenty of jobs for unskilled Arabs willing to work for a dollar a day. Sure it will be a long bus ride to work as I’ve given them 72 hours to leave the West Bank or face execution but the cafeterias will be subsidized and they’ll get  a day off every year to watch the Academy Awards show.

Scarlett Johansson is currently starring in Jonathan Glazer’s Under the Skin.