ANDERSON WILL DIRECT AYOADE IN QUIRKMAGEDDON

MOVIE NEWS – The king of whimsy has shelved plans for another Roald Dahl movie in favor of a more personal project. Wes Anderson will direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon, which will be a meta-documentary or ‘documetary’ as Anderson insists on calling it. We caught up with the auteur of aloof Anderson, to discuss this latest project.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade? How Did That Happen?

Yo listen up Miles. I is gonna throw fo sho truth bombs at ya. Know what I’m saying? I was just chillin’ and illin’ with my man Murray B and he was all up in ma grill. ‘He was like, ‘Yo yo W-A-W-A’, he calls me that. It stands for Wes Anderson With Attitude. He said, ‘Look man, word on the street is yo trippin’ with another R Dahl joint, know what I’m saying?’ And then he’s all, ‘Don’t be messin’ with all that shizzle, bro. Meta is where it’s at mofo.’

I See

Fuckin’ A bro. That’s right, ya dig? My main man Billy Mur-ray had my back. He was like, ‘Don’t be messin’ with that British shizzle. You gots to keep it fresh, wicki-wicki-wa-waa.’ And then it hit me like a bolt of electric. I could see the future man. It was meta. I had to make a documentary about not making no Roald Dahl piece of shit. But it’s meta documentary, a documetary! Man, sometimes I amaze even myself, you know what I’m saying?

 

How Did Richard Ayoade Become Involved?

He’s the coolest kid on the block man. He’s the whack-daddy. You know what I’m saying? I mean, I can’t understand a fucking word that comes outta his mouth, you know what I’m saying? He’s all, quirky this and quirky that. Look at my corduroys man. It’s sexy as shit, you know what I’m saying? Imagine him, my man Billy Mur-ray and that goofy fuckin kid Chalamet all in the same movie. Damn man, that is some fried chicken movie heaven right there.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon Soon.

CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

EXCLUSIVE: WES ANDERSON TALKS THE FRENCH DISPATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Wes Anderson, auteur maverick director of The French Dispatch, took time out to speak exclusively to The Studio Exec.

The Studio Exec was honoured to speak to Wes Anderson about his latest film, The French Dispatch.

– So, Wes thank you for taking time out to speak to us about your latest…

Did you know Harris Tweed originates from the Outer Hebrides and is hand woven by crofters on the Isle of Barra? They only grow to be 4 and a half feet tall. They weave these large jackets and they all have to be exported, because they can never fit into them. It’s tragic, but poetic.

– We really wanted to ask you about The French Dispatch. That’s quite some cast you’ve assembled there.

Thank you, it really is. We’ve got Kyle MacLachlan from Dune and Caroline Munroe from the Bond films in the lead roles. Not bad, eh?

– Do you mean Timothee Chalamet and Lea Seydoux?

The fuck you on about? No, no, no. Their agents assured me that they were, um, hang on. Oh shit. Oh well, too late now. So, we’ve got Timmy Chamalama and Leia Organa and they were just great during the shoot. Because they were so generous, ya dig?

The French Dispatch

– Can you tell us a little about The French Dispatch? What is it about?

Well, I’ll let you into a little secret, come closer. We told those suckers with the money at Indian Paintbrush and American Empirical Pictures that it was about some smart ass paper. Who has time to read any of that crap? It isn’t about that at all. Because Jason Schwartzman has such great eyebrows and cheeks, it’s just 100 minutes of him pouting at the rest of the cast. That’s how I got so many big shots to appear, yet again. Kerching baby!

– Was it an easy decision to cast long time collaborators Tilda Swinton, Willem Dafoe and Bill Murray?

Tilda was cast because she would be great in anything. Willem, because he’s riding high after his critical whammy in The Lighthouse Family. The reason I hired Bill? It’s simple, we have to. All independent filmmakers have to, it’s union rules.

– What do you mean by ‘union rules’?

Jarmusch told me this at Sundance, way back in 1995. We were touting Bottle Rocket around and couldn’t get a sniff from any distributors. He said to me, he said, ‘Wezzy baby,’ that’s what he calls me, ‘Wezzy baby. Bill Murray aint in it, so nobody gives a shit about your movie. You tell them he is, you got a distribution deal. Murray’s got dirt on the union bosses. All us independent schnucks have to hire him on every friggin’ picture we make. Ask Sofia Coppola. You think that’s Kirsten Dunst in The Virgin Suicides and Marie Antoinette?’

I told distributors that Murray was in the picture, as soon as I did, I got a distribution deal. Now, I write him in, no matter what. He’s the first name on the cast list. Who’s laughing now, huh?

– I don’t think that’s right. I think Jarmusch may have been joking.

What? Jarmusch? That piece of shit.

The French Dispatch is due for release in October, later this year.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL SIGNS UP FOR QUIRKY QUIRKY KOOK QUIRK

NEW YORK – The New Girl herself Zooey Deschanel is to star in Wes Anderson‘s post- The Grand Budapest Hotel offering: Quirky Quirky Kook Quirk.

For the first time Anderson will be working from a script by another writer, a much touted script by the Duplass brothers.

The Studio Exec has it on good authority the screenplay was doing the rounds of the studios for three years. However, many believed the level of quirk was so high as to render the property ‘practically unfilmable’. Then Anderson got hold of it, tapped his heels and phoned Bill Murray. His motto: ‘if it quirks, it works!’

Zooey Deschanel will join Anderson regulars Jason Schwartzman, the Wilson brothers, Brian Cox, Willem Dafoe and Angelica Houston. Anderson told fans to expect an eclectic mix of music, highly stylized sets, an arch acting style, postmodern self-awareness. Although laughs will be few and far between, ‘there will be much to smile wryly at.’

Anderson answered critics who say that he’s reached a creative cul-de-sac in impenetrable French.

new comedy film

 

Quirky Quirky Kook Quirk will be released in time for everyone to feel really pleased with themselves. 

OWEN WILSON TO UNPURSE LIPS IN 2015

HOLLYWOOD – Actor and comic genius Owen Wilson is undergoing surgery that will permanently unpurse his lips by 2015.

Doctor Andrew Cardaydigan spokes EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is usually a very simple procedure, but Mr. Wilson unfortunately has been pursing his lips permanently ever since Bottle Rocket, Wes Anderson debut film from 1996. Since then his whole career has consisted of pursing his lips, although he did take a brief hiatus for Behind Enemy Lines, but no one actually saw that.

Is the procedure dangerous?

It shouldn’t be normally. No. But with Wilson, you see, all the muscles around his mouth, his jaw, even as far down to the muscles along his flank and groin, are braced to create this amazing expression like someone is about to sip a strong lemony drink through a straw. And those muscles because of this activity have become atrophied. There is a danger that his whole head could make a wet sucking noise and disappear into the chest so that only a shock of that lovable dirty straw mop top would be visible from what would be – admittedly – a gory neck hole.

F*ck!

Absolutely. But on the bright side, nothing can be as disgusting or abhorrent as Marley and Me.

Point taken.

Owen Wilson will next appear in True Detective Season 2 next to old pal Vince Vaughn. For more on that story click here. 

WES ANDERSON TAKES SERPICO TO BROADWAY

NEW YORK – Wes Anderson’s long gestated stage version of the Seventies classic Serpico will debut on Broadway this Fall.  The 1973 Sidney Lumet film starred Al Pacino as the titular cop who stands up to the corruption of his colleagues.

Wes Anderson first wrote a draft of a stage version when preparing his breakthrough movie Rushmore in 1997. The lead character Max, played by Jason Schwartzman, produces a version of the film for his school play.

Continue reading “WES ANDERSON TAKES SERPICO TO BROADWAY”

WES ANDERSON OPENS RUSHMORE ACADEMY

DEVON – The Grand Budapest Hotel director, Wes Anderson today opened his own college for talented quirky geniuses The Rushmore Academy Educational for the Inexplicably Talented.

The school – which was inaugurated in the English village Quirkington, Devon – is a converted four story country house, the whole back of which comes away to reveal the idiosyncratic rooms within, in cross section. The ceremony was attended by Gwyneth Paltrow and Prince Charles, as well as a gaggle of White Russians and a peck of jaded jet-setting ex-wives and a bundle of Fellini-esque party-goers and drug addicts. The Royal Tenenbaums director explained:

The idea is we all have talents, but wealthy outsiders with floppy hair have more fascinating talents and are also prey to dark thoughts, which no amount of twee irony or alternative acoustic pop can successfully keep at bay. 

What is the curriculum going to be like?

There will be childlike intricate drawing, escape plans, list making, voice over, knot tying, ornithology, dog fighting, orienteering, book keeping, Asperger’s 101 and obnoxiousness. 

And who will be teaching lessons?

There will be no permanent teaching faculty as such. We hope to have visiting eccentrics occasionally offering guidance.  The pupils will be served by a small uniformed troop of Indian servants who will help their almost exclusively white wards in a post-racist way. Everything will be under the supervision of a strict but unconditionally loving matriarch with a sad rapscallion father figure (Bill Murray is already under contract) who will appear bi-annually to offer pathos and one liners. 

Rushmore, however, has stiff competition in the US where Zooey Deschanel has set up the Girls Academy for Tilting Their Heads to One Side Kookily. 

EXTRACT FROM GENE HACKMAN’S NEW NOVEL

HOLLYWOOD – In an EXCLUSIVE, the Studio Exec is proud to present an extract from Gene Hackman’s new novel Payback at Morning Peak.

Chapter One. The Old Hand Hangs up his Gun

The sun was westering over the ridge and the frickering breeze from the West held the tang of rain to come. Rubbing his almost bald pate, Geoff Hackford turned his gaze from the horizon to the task at hand, cleaning his gun one last time before hanging it up for good.

He’d fought it off for long enough: age and enemies and scar tissue had done for him, but the memories still came like so many lonely ghosts. The time that criminal Frenchie had got away, the way he’d been cheated by General Zod of the US Cavalry and even when he’d almost died rescuing those people from the capsized paddle steam The Poseidon on the Mississippi.  Surely, that had been an adventure. But time it was to sit on his porch and enjoy a conversation with the town folk who passed. Not The Conversation, but a Conversation. And if the Tenenbaum’s wanted to invite him for some chow, well all the better!

 To sleep soon. With the sun down. He too would sink, first to sleep then finally obscure rest. 

Telegram! Telegram! The urchin had slapped it into his hand and was running away before his hand had even settled into his pocket in search of coin.

He tore it open and read the words:

desperately need you back to play gruff patriarch in quirky comedy stop come at once stop expenses and 5 percent of the gross stop wes anderson stop

He laughed to himself as he replaced the gun in the holster. Maybe his fighting days weren’t over quite yet.  

WES ANDERSON RUSHED TO HOSPITAL SUFFERING FROM QUIRK OVERDOSE

NEW YORK – Wes Anderson in possible quirk overdose.

The Royal Tenenbaums and Moonrise Kingdom director, Wes Anderson was rushed to the Cedar Pines intensive care unit on Long Island in the early hours of Sunday morning, suffering from an overdose of quirk.

Anderson had apparently been working on his new film The Grand Budapest Hotel which stars Edward Norton, Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Jude Law, Soairse Ronan, F. Murray Abraham, Bob Balaban, Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray, as a sadly hilarious figure.

Production Assistant Jennifer Tulls witnessed the director’s collapse:

We were filming a cross section of the hotel and in every room one of the characters is doing something unexpectedly weird and at the same time wryly amusing: someone’s painting Shetland ponies with blue stripes, Willem Dafoe is wearing a monocle and teaching Polish children the flute, someone else is making a pyramid of champagne glasses and Bill Murray is being a sadly hilarious figure. All of a sudden Wes just kind of started to vibrate.  

Bill Murray earlier today

The Syd Barrett song that was playing on the soundtrack was switched off and Mr. Anderson was briefly exposed to a newspaper, detailing growing tensions between Israel and Syria. ‘He seemed to be coming round but then Tilda Swinton leant over to ask how he was and he keeled over again,’ Ms. Tulls said.
The hospital issued a statement saying that:

Mr. Anderson is recovering from levels of quirkiness well above the maximum that the human body can tolerate. It is apparent that he has been taking a very high dosage for a sustained period of time. However, he is young and strong and should be able to make a full recovery provided he relents from people talking directly to camera, stories within stories, a mix tape soundtrack and Bill Murray playing a sadly hilarious character.

The French Dispatch out soon.