MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S MEMBER GETS STAND ALONE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender’s member will get its own stand alone movie, according to an insider at Warner Bros.

The Irish/German star is currently in talks with director Werner Herzog for what he calls a male reworking of the Vagina Monologues:

It will be fantastic. For many years I have been talking with Michael about doing a movie with him, but I was really only concerned with finding a large enough part for his large part. Then the idea of rewriting Eve Ensler’s iconic play came up and I thought he would be perfect in the piece, or at least some of him would be.

But aren’t The Vagina Monologues a feminist classic?

I believe so, and our film, I’m afraid, will not pass the Bechdel test. No, not by a long stretch. However, it is just this kind of radical reversal which will make for fascinating viewing. And Michael is such a versatile actor I’m sure that if I asked him to do a vagina as well, he would be more than capable.

And how does Michael feel about the project?

At first he was intimidated by the idea. He felt that his willy would not be enough to hold the audience’s attention for the full two hours of the feature film, even though it could be argued he’d managed already with Shame. But what really decided him was he caught The Counselor on television the other day and said he’d made a film that was complete cock by accident, he might as well make one on purpose.

The Penis Monologues will be released in 2016.

WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS

HOLLYWOOD – Documentarian, director and sibilant Austrian septuagenarian Werner Herzog has opened his own wedding videos company, which offers the unique service of having the award-winning director of such films as Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre Wrath of God and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans capture the most important and beautiful day of any couple’s lives. 

The director of Into the Darkness commented:

I have made films about the most extreme situations on the planet on which we find ourselves alive today, Antarctica, death row, caves somewhere in France, I even made a film with Val bloody Kilmer, and now here I am, and nothing to do with a lot of digital cameras. So I thought why not make wedding videos and in doing so I believe I can truly document the destruction of the soul of Man.

Do you see this then as an extension of your attempt to delineate the outline of human possibility?

Yes. And you get free cake.

Werner with another happy customer (divorced)

Werner Herzog’s Wedding Video company is available for the cost of $2000 a day or $3000 for a weekend. Herzog films everything himself and provides an audio commentary in which he is amusingly and eccentrically rude about everybody except the person who gives him cake.

UNIVERSAL CELEBRATION: JACK REACHER SEQUEL ‘WILL NOT GO AHEAD’

HOLLYWOOD – Spontaneous parties broke out everywhere, enmity was forgotten and fierce enemies became the fastest of friends, Muslim and Jew, Sikh and Hindu, Christians and Richard Dawkins were all united in a festival of friendship and understanding as Paramount released a statement saying it was unlikely that the planned sequel to Jack Reacher would go ahead.

The Syrian civil war for a moment paused in its blood shed, the first time it had done so since the announcement of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reuniting late last year.

The only people not celebrating were members of the ‘Church’ of ‘Scientology’, who saw in the underwhelming performance of the Lee Child adaptation the meddling of Xenu and modern psycho-pharmacology.

‘I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,’ said Ali Dachou, returning from the funeral of his whole family who had been killed by a drone attack on the Pakistan border. ‘Things are bad but at least I won’t have to put up with anymore of Mr Cruise’s posturing.’

Werner Herzog also expressed joy. ‘Hopefully the film will be buried in a very deep box and forgotten about,’ the Austrian director hissed, who had a role in the film as the villain.