SEAN PENN ACCIDENTALLY DELETES THE PANAMA PAPERS

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn has accidentally deleted the Panama Papers, it was revealed today.

Sean Penn was researching a new article about the tax havens detailed in the Panama Papers when he accidentally deleted the whole cache of documents. The Papers which have revealed high profile secret accounts facilitating tax avoidance and belonging to the likes of Vladimir Putin, the father of the UK Prime Minister David Cameron and the new President of FIFA and the Icelandic Prime Minister. Sean Penn was given exclusive access to the files because of his celebrity status and as part of his new career as an ‘experiential journalist’:

They gave me them all on a thumb drive and I was going through them and it was getting late and so I pulled out the thumb drive. I didn’t do that thing when you’re supposed to eject the thumb drive first. But who has the time for that? I just yanked it out. Next day I couldn’t open the files. It was the craziest thing, because I assumed they had copies, but as it turned out, there weren’t any copies. So oops. My bad I guess.

The journalistic mishap comes only months after an interview with El Chapo ended with Chapo getting arrested and Sean Penn being largely derided as naive. However, Vladimir Putin applauded the We’re No Angels star as the kind of journalist the world needs.

 

 

DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

SEAN PENN INTERVIEWS STEVEN AVERY

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn fresh from his scoop in interviewing El Chapo for Rolling Stones, today sat down with Steven Avery, the convict at the center of Netflix’s hit serial Making a Murderer.

Sean Penn here. I know what you’re thinking. When am I gonna make a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When are you gonna resurrect Jeff Spicoli? Well, let me just tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by, not one minute that I don’t think about Spicoli and what he might be doing today. But today I’m off to interview another ‘criminal’. Yeah. I did El Chapo in Mexico and that was pretty Rad. I mean it was like Narcos, but you know in a different country. Now I’m after Steven Avery who I first knew about when I binged on Netflix’s Making a Murderer this Christmas. If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you must have done the same. You must also have read the various controversies about the show, the rebuttals from the prosecutors and all that jazz so I’m not going to repeat all that. And obviously there are gonna be SPOILERS like I give a shit!

Steven Avery comes in and sits down. He looks exactly like he does on TV, well the later episodes, not like when he was a child or anything. He sits opposite me in the regulation prison garb that institutionalizes and dehumanizes too many Americans in our country and he smiles broadly.

‘So when are we gonna get a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High?’ he says.

‘Ha!’ I say, relaxing visibly (I imagine). He’s put me at my ease but at the same time I have a lot of questions for Steven Avery. ‘So do you really believe the cops framed you?’

‘Aloha Mr Hand!’

‘Yeah right. That’s a good line.’

‘Jeff Spicoli, man! I can’t believe I’m talking to Jeff Spicoli.’

‘That’s just a role in a movie. I’m more than that. I’m a journalist and a social activist. And I’m interested in your case because it seems to me that an injustice has been done and I would like to shed some light on it. So if you don’t mind can we get back to talking about your case and away from talking about Fast Times at Ridgemont High!’

‘Of course, Mr. Penn. I’m sorry. Sure. My case. For me the most important decision was not to allow what’s called third person liability to be used as part of my defense. This meant that…’

‘I mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High was years ago. It was my first film practically. And everyone goes on about it. What about Gangster Squad? What about Milk? What about Dead Man Walking which you should have some sympathy for?’

‘All good films I’m sure, but I’ve been in prison you see and…’

‘Mystic River, I am Sam, We’re No Angels with De Niro! De Niro! The Gunman and I’ve directed movies too.’

‘I’m sure they were…’

‘Into the Wild, for instance. Jeff Spicoli was years ago. And if it isn’t that, it’s you’re the guy who married Madonna! What’s Madonna like?’

‘You were married to Madonna?’

‘Of course I f*cking was! Where the f*ck have you been?’

And just as things got really interesting the guard came and told us our time was up. I’m still not sure whether Steven Avery is truly an innocent man, nor have I understood the complexity of his case in a way that is in any way deeper, but when we parted I could see in his relief that we had both gained something from this meeting. And I drove home feeling vindicated.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SEAN PENN SIGNS ON FOR EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

HOLLYWOOD – In his ongoing campaign to undermine Hollywood via an onslaught of so-so work, Sean Penn has signed on for the remake of the Clint Eastwood orangutan/bare knuckle boxing comedy Every Which Way But Loose.

Penn is set to play Clyde, teaming up with his old We’re No Angels pal Robert De Niro who will be punching below his weight once more as an aging Philo Beddoe. Clint Eastwood will take over duties behind the camera. 

It’s territory I’ve wanted to go back to for sometime, but the script has never quite been there. Then De Niro came to me with a spec script David O. Russell had written during breaks on American Hustle. At first I was cautious. Frankly, I was wary of asking an actor of Mr. De Niro’s stature to prance around with Sean Penn dressed as a monkey for laughs. Then I saw Grudge Match and any such qualms were put to rest. It’s f*cking Shakespeare by comparison.

Penn has been training with Andy Serkis in preparation for the role. ‘He’s been living with us for about six months,’ said a bemused Serkis. ‘I’m not sure why.’ 

Every Which way but Loose will begin shooting in June.  

GRUDGE MATCH PUSHES DE NIRO’S CAREER OVER GOOD/CRAP EQUINOX

NEW YORK – With the release of Grudge MatchRobert De Niro will have made 90 films and will also have definitively passed the good crap equinox of his career with 43 great films and 47 films you wish he hadn’t made.

Committed De Niro watcher Jammy LePlush emerges from a cloud of menthol cigarette smoke to jab a finger at me: ‘It began some say with The Fan, some even point at We’re No Angels or Jack Knife but for me it was Rocky and Bullwinkle, that was the tipping point.’

Two fellows actors who have a lot to do with De Niro’s decline in status from the dangerous actor who was willing to push himself to any limit to produce a marvelous performance to the sleepwalking self-parody of today are Ben Stiller and Billy Crystal, who encouraged De Niro to appear in their ‘comedies’. Jammy adds another name: 

Leonardo diCaprio. Once he caught Marty Scorsese’s eye, that was it.  De Niro was out. You think of the last great performance De Niro gave: Casino back in 1995. Ever since then it’s been a mixture of m’eh and goddam awful.

 Also starring Sylvester Stallone, Grudge Match manages the almost unique feat of actually going back to one of De Niro’s finest films Raging Bull and taking a long curly steaming turd on top of it.