WEINSTEINS CONFIRM WAR AND PEACE WILL BE CUT

HOLLYWOOD – The Weinstein’s War and Peace mini-series – to be co-produced with the BBC – will be a truncated version, sources admit.

Paul Dano is set to star as Pierre Bezuhkov, the pacifist hero of Leo Tolstoy’s epic novel. He will be joined by Ade Edmondson as Count Rostov, as well as Stephen Rea and Greta Scacchi.

Andrew Davies was given the job of adapting the massive Russian masterpiece, but reports from the Weinsteins were that his version was too long.

Harvey just didn’t like it. There was too much about relationships and peasants and far too much about the Russian soil. Russia is a bit of a downer at the moment. What with Putin and all that. So let’s just say that Harvey had some notes.

What changes can we expect?

We wanted to change the setting, away from Russia and towards New Mexico, but Andrew and the BBC were opposed to that. So we at least managed to get the narrative moving a little. If you’ve read the book, you’ll know that it features some of the most amazing set pieces ever put to paper. But then there are all these conversations. So what we did was get rid of the conversations and concentrate a lot more on the military aspect.

War will be broadcast in 2015.

OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.