TERRENCE MALICK PLANS ‘WE BOUGHT A ZOO’ REMAKE

TEXAS – Terrence Malick to remake We Bough a Zoo.

Visionary film maker Terrence Malick has revealed that his next project following Knight of Cups will be a remake of the Cameron Crowe classic We Bought a Zoo, starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson.

The news was revealed by Christian Bale, who finished shooting with Malick earlier this year. Speaking to Danish bacon magazine Swine, Bale said:

I was really disappointed working with Terry. Everyone said he was a deeply philosophical man and even a poet of sorts, but my experience was that he is absolutely obsessed by the career of Cameron Crowe. Knight of Cups is basically Almost Famous with some added Heidegger and as the film went on it became evident that he had lost interest and was already thinking about his next project. 

What is your favourite time to eat bacon?

Breakfast. He was working on the script for We Bought a Zoo and constantly phoning Cameron Crowe for tips and hints about how to make the film. He wants to cast exactly the same people, Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson, and it will basically be a shot for shot remake but with an extensive voice over. 

We Bought a Wonderful Zoo of Glory will be released in 2019.  

MATT DAMON: ‘WE DON’T TALK ENOUGH ABOUT MEN WHO ARE NOT MATT DAMON’

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon pleaded today for people to talk about men who are not Matt Damon.

In an interview with The Business Insider, Matt Damon made an impassioned plea for the conversation to include people ‘who are not Matt Damon’.

He said:

I think we’ve reached a watershed moment. I don’t really know what that means. Is it really a building which holds water? How does that work? What if someone opens the window? Wait, back to what I was saying. The point is with the #MeToo movement and all that, a lot of the conversation has been about Matt Damon. Women quite rightly have condemned Matt Damon for his cloth-eared interventions. But I think Matt Damon exists on a spectrum. There’s the Matt Damon that gives these stupid interviews. And then on the other end of the spectrum there’s the Matt Damon who appeared in Hereafter and We Bought a Zoo. You can’t compare We Bought a Zoo to rape. Can you?

But going back to women, what…

Dustin Hoffman isn’t Matt Damon and neither is Louis CK, who I love. I mean not the tugging-himself-off-in-front-of-women Louis, unless he’s doing it really, and I mean really ironically. Harvey Weinstein isn’t Damon and Ben Affleck isn’t… well actually he kind of is.

But Rose McGowan yesterday…

Why is the media so obsessed with Matt Damon? That’s what I want to know.  It’s like they want to thrust him into the middle of the conversation. Again and again.

Matt Damon will next be appearing in We Bought Another Zoo.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN UNITED 2017

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson is in talks to play Dr. David Dao in a new film United 2017.

Ghost in the Shell star Scarlett Johansson has signed on to play Chinese American doctor David Dao in a new film about the incident, when he was forcibly bumped from his flight. Johansson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I worried about playing Dr. Dao at first. After all he’s not Japanese, he’s Chinese American. And I’m really more about playing Japanese people. This will be a challenge for me. But then again this is why we’re in this game.

What will the film show?

The drama. In a word. What is happening here is symptomatic of our whole country. It will be violent and disturbing. People say there’s no script but then again I was in We Bought a Zoo so what do I know?

News of the casting has drawn outrage. The Association for Asian Actors and Artists (or the AAAA) said: ‘But she’s Japanese! Conflating Japanese and Chinese American is really racist.’

United 2017 will be released in 2017.

ZOOLANDER 3 GETS NEW POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Zoolander 2 has only just come out but plans are already afoot for the closing film in Ben Stiller’s comedy trilogy: Zoolander 3: We Bought A Zoolander.

Ben Stiller leaked the new poster to the third entry of the Zoolander trilogy – Zoolander 8 – onto the internet today and the Studio Exec was there to mop up the new synopsis. The new film is to star Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander as well as Owen Wilson as Hansel and Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson.

We’re huge fans of the Cameron Crowe picture We Bought a Zoo and for years I’ve wanted to do something that would be a homage to a film that has really influenced my career. I don’t think I would ever have had the nerve to have made Dodgeball or Tropic Thunder without the inspiration that Crowe has given me over the years.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander is only the latest in what looks like a heavy year for We Bought a Zoo spin offs, with Matt Damon’s new Bourne film also taking the Cameron Crowe route of whimsy. Crowe himself is philosophical about the impact of his 2011 light family comedy.

I just make the film I want to make. If it is a huge success, I’m really pleased obviously and if filmmakers come back and say they’re influenced by it, then all the more. I know Terrence Malick is a huge fan and has for years been talking about a shot for shot remake. Although Stanley Kubrick died long before the film was released he also wrote in his diaries a synopsis for a film called ‘We Bought a Safari Park’ which sounds very similar to what I did. Tom Cruise (another fan) told me that Kubrick wanted to make it with him and Nicole after Eyes Wide Shut.

Other We Bought a Zoo spin offs in production include a Die Hard spin off and a Star Wars anthology film.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander will be released in 2017. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FIRST POSTER FOR DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster and synopsis for Die Hard 6 hit the internets today and caused a massive explosion which we walked away from without looking back.

Die Hard 6 is fast becoming a reality with the first poster, a synopsis and a photo from a key scene all becoming available EXCLUSIVELY via the Studio Exec. Bruce Willis came round to the Studio Exec bungalow personally ‘to shoot the sh*t’, but Woody Allen had just left and so we talked Die Hard 6 instead.

What will the new film be called?

We wanted to go original with this one. We’ve had the tall building, we’ve had the airport and New York. We even had cyber-space and Russia, but what we didn’t have was a winsome romantic comedy that will melt your heart and that was when we decided on Cameron Crowe as a director and Die Hard: We Bought a Zoo was born.

Amazing title. What’s the story?

It’s simple John McClane is sick of the same old shit happening to him time and time again. He really is ‘too old for this sh*t’. So he buys a farm and settles down with his first wife and new brood of kids.

That sounds like a real departure from the Die Hard formula. What…

But an international gang of East German Dentists want to shoot some trophies and the last surviving rhinoceros in the world, is in the McClane zoo. John McClane has to strap on the vest and the gun and go out and make sure those that want to destroy the zoo he bought, buy the farm! That’s one of the slogans we’re working on.die hard 6

What’s the other?

He was zoo keeping for a living. Now, he’s zoo keeping for his life!

They’re both winners.

I know, right. Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the chief dentist and Penelope Cruz is a South American orthodontist who has a change of heart.

Die Hard: We Bought A Zoo will be released in 2017.

Images courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

UN RESOLUTION CALLS FOR JUMPER 2 TO BE MADE

NEW YORK – A UN resolution signed by over forty seven countries including the United Kingdom, Germany, Russia and China has called for Jumper 2 to be made at the earliest opportunity.

The debate over the resolution and voting was pushed to the top of the agenda, ousting once more any opportunity of a meaningful response to Russia’s intervention in the Ukraine and the pressing need to address climate change, in favor of ensuring the 2008 Hayden Christensen has a follow up. The Polish representative to the UN Bugoslaw Winding told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The first film directed by Doug Liman had such possibilities. It was such an intriguing premise, but I don’t know what happened in the production, but something obviously went wrong. The world is owed a genuinely good teleportation fantasy adventure and Stephen Gould has already written the second novel, so it isn’t as if there’s nowhere we can go.

China’s mission however was adamant that it was motivated entirely by a burning desire to see Hayden Christensen once more.

In China, in all the critics’ polls and all the popular top tens, Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones is not only ranked as the best Star Wars, but ranked as the best film ever. That thing he says about sand getting everywhere, that is poetry, because it is true, sand does get everywhere.

Hilary Clinton used Bill’s Facebook page to issue the following statement:

Although we welcome the opportunity to follow the adventures of David Rice and his teleporting friends further, the US strongly feels that our priorities should first be concentrated on what is happening in the Middle East with the rise of ISIS and if there is a film which needs a sequel it has to be We Bought a Zoo, surely!?

Hollywood insiders have said that formally the UN resolution holds no legal weight and the difficulty of retrieving Hayden Christensen from his five year mission to Mars would be a logistic nightmare, however, the publicity created by the resolution and the debate could well see the studio reassess the franchise.

Jumper 2 will be released in 2016.

 

DESERT ISLAND POLICE ACADEMY: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

HOLLYWOOD – Continuing our popular series, Desert Island Police Academy in which we ask celebrities which Police Academy they’d take with them if they were stranded on a Desert Island.

This week Her, We Bought a Zoo and Under the Skin actor, Scarlett Johansson.

So Scarlett, which Police Academy movie would you take with you on your desert island?

I think it would have to be the very first. The concept is fresh, Steve Guttenberg gives the performance of his career and the whole ensemble feels genuinely at ease with each other. The comedy comes thick and fast, as in the best Airplane tradition, but the characters are also there and you genuinely learn to care about them. This is a comedy with a heart of gold.

Great. Thank you very much.

But…

What?

On this desert island what kind of facilities are there for watching discs? And are we talking Blu-Ray or DVD?

We thought we’d go old school with a VHS player and a cassette. 

So there’ll be a TV set.

Yes. 

And presumably a power supply?

Absolutely.

Powered how?

Solar panels.

Nice. Will there be other films to watch?

No. 

Just the first Police Academy?

Yes. 

Okay good.

Wow. 

What?

It’s true then. 

What’s true?

You really are using 100% of the potential of your brain. 

I had to learn to use 100% in order to be utterly convincing as Lucy in the Luc Besson film Lucy.

You’re the best. 

I know.

For more Desert Island Police Academy click here.

 

3 NEW PLANET OF THE APES FILMS GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Three new Planet of the Apes films are to be made back to back it was confirmed today by Dawn of the Planet of the Apes director Matt Reeves.

Buoyed by the critical and commercial success of the most recent entry, the Studio Exec can reveal that three scripts have already been put into development which will take the saga up to the beginning of the original 1968 Charlton Heston picture.

Although details are sketchy, we can say that Andy Serkis will reprise his role as Caesar at least for the first of the new trilogy. Reeves told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE:

The next film in the saga – Around About Lunch Time of the Planet of the Apes – will see the immediate aftermath of Dawn. Caesar and his ape community must learn to survive against a humanity which now knows of the threat from the simians and are seeking to wipe them out. The apes, if they are to survive, must learn to become an army. Late Afternoon of the Planet of the Apes will take place many years later as the military dominance of the apes becomes overwhelming and the final film – The Planet of the Apes Bought a Zoo – will be lighter in tone and will show how the humans slowly became the caged animals who Charlton Heston meets in the 1968 film.

In a tactic taken from the Peter Jackson game book, the films are to be filmed almost simultaneously in the hope of maintaining continuity and cutting costs. They will also be released a year apart.

Around About Lunch Tim of the Planet of the Apes will be released in 2016; Late Afternoon of the Planet of the Apes, 2016 and The Plant of the Apes Bought a Zoo (Part One) will be released in 2017.

THE HOBBIT GETS A NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – The final Hobbit film got a new title this morning with an announcement made by director Peter Jackson after a screening of an early cut of the films.

The Kiwi director told the world’s press:

It was a difficult decision because so much hinges on the title and the mood we want to set, but we thought that one of the main differences from the book that we had worked into the film as a way of padding it out, seemed so incongruous and downright wrong that the only way of covering up our shameful lac of originality and general viciousness was to make that the title, so it looks like that’s what we wanted to do all along. 

The Hobbit: We Bought a Zoo will be released in December.

WE BOUGHT A DANISH ZOO: FIRST IMAGES

COPENHAGEN – Cameron Crowe has confirmed that We Bought a Danish Zoo will be his next film.

 The famous Almost Famous director said:

People know me as the warm hearted, life affirming comedy guy, but there is a darkness in me that no one has yet witnessed and this year it’s coming out.

The new film will star Chloe Grace Moretz, Scarlett Johansson and Matt Damon who on buying a zoo are confounded by the no nonsense European attitude to nature ‘red in tooth and claw’ compared to their own cloying sentimentality. Damon commented:

The zoo is failing when we buy it, but when one of the animals is accidentally eaten by a lion suddenly people come to visit. So we start to engineer other ‘accidents’ to increase the zoo’s popularity. Scarlett wanted to add a scene where we threw a few Palestinians in as well, but we nixed that as too ‘controversial’.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the piece will be Matthew Perry’s return to form as Per the comedy janitor. The Friends star admitted:

When I started on day one I was very nervous. I did my comedy Danish accent and everyone was like ‘No stop, it’s awful, really. Jesus Christ!’ and making dry retching noises. But I knew that was their way of encouraging me.

We Bought a Danish Zoo will be released in 2015, rated NC-17.

ARONOFSKY: NOAH IS ACTUALLY WE BOUGHT A ZOO PREQUEL

 HOLLYWOOD – Darren Aronofsky has explicitly stated for the first time that his new film Noah actually started life as a prequel to the Cameron Crowe 2011 classic We Bought a Zoo.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Aronofsky seemed extremely excited about his new film:

We’ve done a good job. I mean I had to shoot around Russell’s performance a great deal, but Hermione put in a decent day or two and Ray Winstone is really cheap. 

Talking about the origins of the project, the Black Swan director had this to say:

It started off as a prequel to We Bought a Zoo. Cameron was toying with the idea. He had something …  a very early draft. It might even have just been a treatment. Anyway, he asked me to have a pass at it and I said, “Okay but what if we go back in time. Who was the first father who kinda accidentally/on purpose bought a zoo?” And just like that it came to both of us at exactly the same time: Noah!!!

He continues:

Well, then after I had that as my starting point, the script just flew out. It was so easy!

Noah will be released in 2014. 

 

WE BOUGHT A ZOO TO BE A TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Universal happiness broke out today as Cameron Crowe revealed that We Bought a Zoo is only the first instalment in a trilogy that will include the forthcoming We Burnt a Zoo Down to the Ground and We had a Really Big Barbecue.

Joy could not be contained as a sense of almost Bacchanalian frenzy swept over the world when Crowe – speaking exclusively to Studio Exec – outlined his plans for what he calls his life’s master work comparable to the Ring cycle by Wagner or Dante’s Divine Comedy. Matt Damon will reunite with Scarlett Johansson and Scarlet Johansson will be there, there. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett. And some animals and kids and things.

‘The second one We Burnt a Zoo Down to the Ground as the title suggests will be much darker,’ said Crowe, eating a McMuffin. ‘It’ll be my Empire Strikes Back, if you will. And then the final film is a celebration. Something good can come from a fire that kills loads of animals. That’s the message.’

Earlier this week rioting had broken out in Islamabad Pakistan following the selling out of the DVD of We Bought a Zoo. Read out special report here. But now the mood had changed for the better.

‘Will Scarlett be in it?’ one tearful man asked, holding his malnourished daughter in his arms.

The films are to be made back to back and production on all other films is to be suspended until the trilogy is complete.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO RIOTS BREAK OUT IN PAKISTAN

ISLAMABAD – Today widespread rioting broke out in Islamabad, Pakistan, when DVD stocks of the Cameron Crowe whims-fest We Bought a Zoo unexpectedly ran out.

Pakistani film-goers have long loved the gentle comedies of Mr Crowe – even Elizabethtown which everyone else thought was fudge fingers – and sales of We Bought a Zoo, a bafflingly stupid comedy ‘starring’ Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson were breaking records when stocks were finally exhausted. Local fevers ran so high that the traditional rioting against America day (Friday) was moved forward by local leaders to Wednesday.

One protester yelled, ‘We hate America, but they do make these feel good movies very well.’

Another screamed, ‘It is heart-warming and shows how we can all rise above adversity if we have Scarlett Johansson close to us smiling comfortingly.’

White House sources said they were flying out emergency stocks of We Bought a Zoo which they had been stockpiling for just such a contingency, but feared that more Cameron Crowe related violence might break out elsewhere in the region when it was reported that Vanilla Sky which was due to be shown on state television in Iran had been mysteriously pulled. Some Islamic website are claiming the CIA are orchestrating a ‘Cameron Crowe famine’, accusations the State Department strongly deny.