CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.